Tonight I choose to be sad

For all the relationships gone wrong; for all the misunderstandings; for all the broken promises and the failed friendships; for all the things that were never meant to be. For all the times I should have kept in touch but didn’t, all the times I should have called but didn’t and for all the plans that were never implemented. What idiots we all were. We never realized that things change. We never did think where we would be in the ignorance of being happy little kids. When we walked holding hands and snuck our little MP3 players in our pockets, earplugs in each ear, listening to our favourite songs, and when we lay in bed dreaming about the future and when we promised each other that our kids will marry each other. When we walked like old ladies in school, and skipped down staircases, when we wrote stories in college notebooks, when we made French toasts at night. 

How naïve we all are. Don’t we know things never remain the same? We sang songs and shared tiffin boxes and shared secrets and poured our hearts out to each other. We thought we would always be best friends, sharing each secret and each incident till we become old and wrinkly. We ran towards each other like lost lovers after a war, squealing and jumping. We talked on the phone for hours and plotted and planned and schemed. We made fun of people, and of each other. We laughed till tears spilled out of our eyes. We loved each other. How stupid were we. We should have known.

Times change. People drift apart. Maybe the only thing that changes is you yourself. Or your own perception about things. And it is okay if it is circumstantial. It is okay to let things go, because it is more painful to hold on to them. If it gave you enough warmth and love and joy to help you survive when you thought you could not cope with your life, then it was worth it all. Every relationship I have ever had has been special to me. I can relate to what Celine says in Before Sunset, “I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person has specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.”

I miss the little things about people. I miss insignificant things about them, maybe the way they made a weird sound with their lips or maybe how they squinted in the sun or even the colour of their eyes.

Such silly little children we were when we painted bindis on each other's foreheads and laughed. When we made midnight meals and ate more than we studied. When we got Linkin Park trivia for each other or said that we were soul sisters. Little did we know that relationships are fragile. One slip, and down the rabbit hole they go. So I’m embracing the pain that comes along with losing friends. Morrie said that in order to detach yourself from a feeling, you have to drench yourself with it, dive head in all the way and throw yourself into the emotion instead of holding it back and being afraid of experiencing love or pain or grief. Because once you know you have fully experienced the emotion, you can tell yourself to get away from it. And finally move on.

So this is to all the friends I have ever had. I have never been good at keeping friends but the friends that did matter; I have loved them with all my heart had to give. KK has already put what I'm feeling into a song:


"Chal, sochein kya, choti si hai zindagi.
Kal, mil jaayein, toh hogi khushnaseebi."


So, now, as I move out and go into another world, I would like to express that each one of you were a part of my life. You've all had a role to play and you’ve all shaped me into what I am. I will carry little pieces of you in my heart, recalling only the good times. Times when we were stupid little idiots, without a care in the world. 

P.S. And maybe, just maybe, sit on a sofa again before a Maths exam, staring into space, bobbing our heads to a random song after having eaten a million packets of Blue Lay's.

Rahul is a cheater, he is a cheater! Cheater!!

Flicking through the infinite TV channels, and catching glimpses of movie promos which involves a lot of horrifying skin show and unspeakable and unbelievable body movements, and the vaaaast number of news channels spewing nothing but noisy nonsense, I was sitting with my typical half-an-upper-lip-raised-upwards exasperated expression. I was just about to switch the TV off when BAM!

There was a “Miss Braganza ahaaaan!” and a very young and suave Archana Singh in a mini skirt on the TV crooning “Romeo and Juliet.. ek amar prem kahaani!” I HAD to smile. I have seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai about a million times and I know all the dialogues and scenes and songs by heart like a typical 20 something girl who grew up in the '90s in India. It was a movie that changed the lives of many young people. For one, playing basketball and wearing a ‘COOL’ chain around your neck and going on Summer camps became the new rage. The whole  ‘pyaar dosti hai’ theory made sense to everyone and every girl wanted a guy like Shahrukh Khan who would just stand in his iconic arms-wide-open pose and they would want to fly into them.

No matter the absurdity of some of the aspects about the film, including the obviously artificial falling stars and the fact that the London returned raspy-voiced Tina spoke in perfect Hindi and sang “Om Jai Jagdish” in the most melodious, magical voice you could imagine smack in the middle of their college to prove that she had her 'sanskaars' intact and that the eight year old girl had the sense and wisdom of an eighty year old, I have a strange affinity to this movie.

I love it because it is so flawed. I love it because it reminds me of myself when I was eight years old when I first saw it in the normal, non-multiplex cinema hall and had cried and made futile attempts at hiding my tears when Anjali left Rahul and went away forever. It reminds me of my childhood and the innocence and the eagerness and excitement to grow old. I still sing along to ‘Koi mil gaya’, which I once thought was the coolest song, like, ever and I couldn't wait to learn how to play the guitar like Tina (who by the way, just holds the instrument in the movie without so much as moving her fingers on it artificially. I guess she knew the audience would know she was faking it anyway. Oh wait, they didn't. Because they were all dumb like me) And I still weep when Anjali tries to hide her tears as they get mingled with the rain, because Rahul loves Tina and not her :(

I still laugh when Mr. Malhotra (Anupam Kher) climbs up his own house like a robber trying to locate the next rung of the ladder with his feet. I like the silent 'Jalebi' kid and his “tussi ja rahe ho? Tussi na jao” dialogue. I love the whole Dumb Cherades scene and the oh so romantic, wet, dreamy, silent dance under the shack. Sigh. SRK is so hot. I still like the scene where Anjali’s saree is blowing and blowing and blowing and blowing in the wind and Rahul is watching her with desire and sorrow and it’s STILL blowing. I still like the dialogue “hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, aur pyaar bhi ek hi baar hi karte hain” however lame it may sound now! I still smile with contentment when Anjali and Rahul finally reunite in the end and SRK flashes his gorgeous dimpled smile again!

After watching it today I’ve realized how much I’ve grown and how attached I still am to my childhood. I recalled so many different scenarios and people with whom I watched this movie. This one time I watched it with my friends where we were fighting over who SRK is best suited for and how cute he looks in shorts. I want to be that innocent, chirpy, happy, stupid girl again.. or not. I think I just want to stop growing old now. Ugh, I'm 21. I guess I’ll be okay. I guess these are the type of movies which we will still love when we're fifty and our kids will be like "What DO you like about these movies mom?" And then we'd realized what our parents meant. Or maybe even they'd like it. 


Well whatever happens, cheers to a time of innocence!

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai Rahul, tum nahin samjhoge :)


P.S. Please be Rahul again SRK. Or maybe you can be a dad to a new Rahul. Anything but Ra.One. Pretty please?