22

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.”

The quote is from the movie The Perks of being a Wallflower, and I can relate to it so well right now. I LOVED the movie. Before I watched it, it seemed to be like a regular high school movie, except that it wasn’t. And it has a beautiful soundtrack. I’ve been listening to Heroes by David Bowie since I saw it (‘The Tunnel song’) and my head is swimming with so many thoughts.

I am 22. I’ve always wanted to be 22 since I was a kid. 22 always felt like the most fun age. The ideal age. Not only is 22 my second favourite number, but this is where I always wanted to be! This. Right here. It is like a big cross I had made on the map of my life and I am standing right on top of it. But I realized I had forgotten all about it. I find myself so busy lamenting over my past or worrying about my future that I end up feeling really morbid all the time. I am 22 and I feel like sleeping for a thousand years. I feel like not being aware of the fact that I exist for a while. Till it all gets better. How did it all become so haywire? What happened to my ‘living in the moment’ plan? What happened to all my plans in fact? Wait, did I even have any plans?

Recently one of my most admired teachers randomly walked up to me and said “You’re not alright in life, are you? You’ve lost the twinkle in your eyes. I know something is wrong.” And I was speechless. She had noticed? Is it that apparent? And since then I have been questioning myself. Why? How? I am only 22! I’m still in the phase of my life where I can fix things for myself. I should be able to get over stuff. I need to admit it that I am human, and I am stupid and that I hurt people. And I need to learn from that. I need to grow. I need to accept the fact that I will not get over some people I have lost, and just live with it.

There is a dialogue in the movie “I know we'll all become somebody, we'll all become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom and dad. Right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I'm here.”

It just made me think. It’s okay that some plans didn’t work out. It’s okay that life took a completely unexpected turn. Things happen for a reason. And in the end everything somehow turns okay. Even if right now it feels like life will never ever get any better, come on, it has to. Life still is beautiful, with endless possibilities spread out before you. It is exciting. You don’t know what is going to happen. You don’t know who or where you are going to be. This is really the time to make it all happen. We cannot choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from here, right?

It’s not too late for anything. I need to find my way. I need to step up to things. Accept my mistakes. Move past them. Maybe life has a different plan. There is another world. A better world, waiting for me. There has to be. And what will I do? I will keep all the memories deep inside me, close to me. I will just embrace life, and walk towards it. That’s my plan, for now.

“The scent of a flower,

The colours of the morning,

Friends to believe in,

Tears soon forgotten,

See how the rain drives away, another day.”

                                                                            --Dusk, by the Genesis

We should meet again, you and I

Down the road, somewhere in another world

In a white wonderland, on a marble bench

Sliding dew drops on a glass window pane

In a parallel universe, on a cliff overlooking a valley

On a park swing, hearts fluttering in the chill of a foggy night

In a galaxy far, far away on an apartment terrace underneath the stars

We should meet again, you and I

There can always be another goodbye

Another world. Another dimension.

The smell of cheese hanging in the air

The whiff of nostalgia and the whispers so crisp

The taste and the sweet melancholia

Salty lips and sleepy eyes

Dreams and smiles and melodic verses

We should meet again, you and I

You can keep asking yourself and never know why

Console yourself

Negotiate with your heart

Shush your soul

The answers are scattered

Flown away with the wind

Hiding in the sea shells, and in the clouds, and between your fingers

In the autumn winds, in the hill tops, and in the cold rain drops

We should meet again, you and I

We should meet in the sky; we should float in the air

We should talk of endless love, and our lives and the universe,

We should meet again, you and I

Nevermind

It really sucks to know that you were always that warm, smiling girl who everyone was nice to. But not the girl who someone would grab and give a bear hug.
It sucks even more to know that a single unfortunate moment when you said something about a certain someone would change the course of things in such a colossal way.
Yes, I was always the girl who made everyone laugh, someone who everyone would like to listen to, but never the one who they would call at 3 in the night because they were lonely.
I was always at the centre, and yet I was the one who stood at the sides.
It sucks to know how all you ever really need is a shoulder. And yet sometimes, somehow it is not enough.

Is it really so impossible what I'm asking for? Is it really much?

In hindsight, is it even worth it?

Yesterday

I miss a time long, long ago, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I miss a world far, far away, and yet it seems like it’s right in front of me. Or is it? It is, right? Isn’t it?

I miss the negotiation of thoughts, I miss the careless flow of seemingly unimportant observations, I miss the natural flow of the unending chuckles, I miss the infinite pings and spurts.  I miss the flurry of emotions at a phone call, and peals of laughter after reading a text. I miss the sleepless nights and the restless days. I do not like the emotion running through me right now. I dislike the laughter in the hostel corridors; I hate the music wafting from the other room. I hate it when my eyes sting. I hate the gnawing gorge forming in my chest, and the hurtful stab in my gut. My days are breathless, a blurry array of countless activities. But the nights are hollow, throbbing with angst.

When you think you have nothing, it decides to give you everything. And when you finally realize you can have absolutely everything, it decides to take it all away from you. It takes some, it gives some. It gives all, and then takes it all away.

Well played, life. Well played. 

Tonight I choose to be sad

For all the relationships gone wrong; for all the misunderstandings; for all the broken promises and the failed friendships; for all the things that were never meant to be. For all the times I should have kept in touch but didn’t, all the times I should have called but didn’t and for all the plans that were never implemented. What idiots we all were. We never realized that things change. We never did think where we would be in the ignorance of being happy little kids. When we walked holding hands and snuck our little MP3 players in our pockets, earplugs in each ear, listening to our favourite songs, and when we lay in bed dreaming about the future and when we promised each other that our kids will marry each other. When we walked like old ladies in school, and skipped down staircases, when we wrote stories in college notebooks, when we made French toasts at night. 

How naïve we all are. Don’t we know things never remain the same? We sang songs and shared tiffin boxes and shared secrets and poured our hearts out to each other. We thought we would always be best friends, sharing each secret and each incident till we become old and wrinkly. We ran towards each other like lost lovers after a war, squealing and jumping. We talked on the phone for hours and plotted and planned and schemed. We made fun of people, and of each other. We laughed till tears spilled out of our eyes. We loved each other. How stupid were we. We should have known.

Times change. People drift apart. Maybe the only thing that changes is you yourself. Or your own perception about things. And it is okay if it is circumstantial. It is okay to let things go, because it is more painful to hold on to them. If it gave you enough warmth and love and joy to help you survive when you thought you could not cope with your life, then it was worth it all. Every relationship I have ever had has been special to me. I can relate to what Celine says in Before Sunset, “I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person has specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.”

I miss the little things about people. I miss insignificant things about them, maybe the way they made a weird sound with their lips or maybe how they squinted in the sun or even the colour of their eyes.

Such silly little children we were when we painted bindis on each other's foreheads and laughed. When we made midnight meals and ate more than we studied. When we got Linkin Park trivia for each other or said that we were soul sisters. Little did we know that relationships are fragile. One slip, and down the rabbit hole they go. So I’m embracing the pain that comes along with losing friends. Morrie said that in order to detach yourself from a feeling, you have to drench yourself with it, dive head in all the way and throw yourself into the emotion instead of holding it back and being afraid of experiencing love or pain or grief. Because once you know you have fully experienced the emotion, you can tell yourself to get away from it. And finally move on.

So this is to all the friends I have ever had. I have never been good at keeping friends but the friends that did matter; I have loved them with all my heart had to give. KK has already put what I'm feeling into a song:


"Chal, sochein kya, choti si hai zindagi.
Kal, mil jaayein, toh hogi khushnaseebi."


So, now, as I move out and go into another world, I would like to express that each one of you were a part of my life. You've all had a role to play and you’ve all shaped me into what I am. I will carry little pieces of you in my heart, recalling only the good times. Times when we were stupid little idiots, without a care in the world. 

P.S. And maybe, just maybe, sit on a sofa again before a Maths exam, staring into space, bobbing our heads to a random song after having eaten a million packets of Blue Lay's.

The Elephant Man

Don't you just hate it when you get a gross pimple on your face? Somewhere prominent, like on your nose or above your lip? Don't you hate the way people react? How ashamed you feel and how many things you try to get rid of it. Now imagine, if your entire body was like one big pimple, only much, much worse and painful. What would it be like, to be an abomination of nature? To be ugly beyond mere ugliness, with no fault of yours?

I happened to see David Lynch’s ‘The Elephant Man’ tonight. What a movie! It’s a true story based on the life of John Merrick, a severely deformed man as a result of his mother getting mauled by an elephant while he was still in the womb.

Doctor Treves, a surgeon at the London Hospital first spots John at a carnival, being exposed and exhibited as a freak by an abusive, cold man. He offers to examine him and brings him to his hospital; at first assuming that he probably is an imbecile, but realizes later what an admirable, intelligent and a sensitive man he really is. Because he is so grotesquely distorted, people run away from him in terror, look at him with disgust and laugh and make fun of him. He always has to wear a hood when out in public. Dr. Treves, played remarkably by Anthony Hopkins, proves to be kind enough to realize the man beneath the hideous skin abnormalities and becomes his friend.  It’s the story of the journey of John Merrick, from the brutal beatings in the rusty dungeons of a carnival, to elite tête-à-têtes with high dignitaries and going to the theatre with the Princess of Wales.

Little things have been paid attention to in the movie, playing with human emotions, and making the audience’s hearts leap out of their chests to hug John Merrick despite his obvious repulsiveness. It makes you wonder what life would be if you had a similar fate. If you were scorned and jeered and spat upon simply because of a physical malfunction which you had no control over. What can mere misfortune do to people. It helps you realize what such people go through and would perhaps change your attitude towards them. If you usually cry in movies, then be prepared with a big box of tissues when you’re watching this one. It’s not for the faint-hearted, like me. Seldom do movies manage to touch me this much, but this one did. One hundred percent and more. It’s truly a masterpiece and I admire the makers of this movie to portray human sentiments and ruthlessness in such a convincing and raw manner.

I respect them for taking care of every miniscule thing and working so very hard to get the make-up and costumes right. The make-up of the Elephant man took SEVEN hours every time it was applied. Can you imagine the amount of patience and hard work?!

Definitely one of my favourite movies so far. If you like true stories, especially the ones that throw light on human psychology, then this movie is for you. 

"'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man."

 —poem used by Joseph Merrick to end his letters.

Incendies

I still haven’t recovered from the shock after watching Incendies. After watching it, I couldn’t sleep or talk. I just wept. We sit here, so comfortable in our daily lives, shrouded by our own trifle issues, that we do not realize our life could have been tremendously worse that what it is.

War, famine, poverty, epidemics, discrimination, abuse, murders, terrorism.. we never envisage these things could even touch us. They only happen to others, they cannot possibly happen to us. And yet, people have gone through things we cannot even imagine.

I wept not only for Nawal Marwan, but for the entire humanity. For the injustice, for the atrocity, for the circumstances that compel humans to become so hard-hearted that they do not even blink before ending somebody else’s life. What must go through them to make them like that? Their conscience has to be dead for them to become so heartless. I wept for the destroyed homes and souls of the people who cannot get the undemanding pleasure of living a simple life. I wept for people who pray, for people who have faith and for people who have none. I wept for the silent, greasy tears that stream down a weary soldier’s cheek and fall onto a land which is divided into fragments for pathetic, greedy reasons. I wept for the blood baths, for the ravaged, raped, abandoned bodies and the withered consciences. I wept for all the pain, for children who lose their mothers, for families that are torn apart, for dreams that are shattered beyond repair, for hearts that are broken into smithereens. I wept for the millions of souls that are burnt and bludgeoned and tortured and killed and scorched in a world where that almighty being in the sky still looks down upon us and for those who believe he loves us all.