The hills

Every day slips by only too quickly and I can’t help but think how fast it is approaching. The end. Of college. Of student life. Of living on this hill. I wish I had one more semester. One more semester to do so many things we do not have the time to do now. One more semester to go out to the city and eat at all the places we had favourited on Zomato. One more semester to set things right with some people. One more semester to become better friends with friends, and to get to know more people we could never really get to know.

How do I sum everything up I have seen, felt and experienced on this hill? How are you supposed to do something like that? It’s like trying to fit an elephant through the eye of a needle. How do I share what I felt when I woke up every day and just gazed in amazement at the view outside? How do I share what those long walks with friends around the campus under the moonlight meant? How do I describe the infinite cups of tea I’ve shared with my favourite people looking at the sunset? Sitting at the iconic tea-point and imitating everyone, those inside jokes, the times when somebody’s chappal would fall in the drain and one of us would have to jump down and rescue it. How do I express what I felt every time I would sit in class and it would start to pour outside? How I would itch to go outside and get soaked to the bone?

How do I describe those flashes of memories that fly before me so quick no editing software in the world would ever come close to the video that plays in my head? Those enormous clouds gliding past on those rainy days. The droplets slithering down the colourful umbrellas. The rings left on the mess table. The brown leaves falling on the road leading down to the mess. The screech of the bus tyres. The cacophony after winning a match. The twinkling fairy lights in the room. Pink Floyd. The warmth flooding through me when I would see my friends after months. The long hugs. Waiting at PMC. Running to the store to buy snacks for the night before it closes. Hot cups of coffee after dinner. Making plans of going to SS. Running to the terrace with the desperation of doing something spontaneous. Making plans. Oh, so many plans.

How do I write it all out? How it would crush me to remove the bulletin board we stuck on our walls with so much love? How will I get used to not sleeping next to a person as crazy as me who gets up squealing and screaming and laughing? What better way to start your day? The uncountable shoes under her bed. Her table so messy you wouldn’t know how she keeps a track of anything. Her laundry basket always overflowing with clothes. The sound her keyboard makes when she types away furiously. Her cookie monster face. Her horrifyingly loud and physically painful laughter. Her telling me “I ate three of your cookies in the morning but I replaced them today evening.” The one who understands exactly what I’m feeling because more often than not, she feels the exact same way. Who quivers her lips when I tell her we might not need another hand wash. Who cries when I read out my old emails I had sent to my best friend. How do I express what I feel when I think one day we would pack our bags together and will not live in room 445 anymore? How do I tell her how this time round, it will be me staining my pillow, for she will be gone and I would be missing her just too much.

How do I talk about the boy who sat next to me every day? He made me jam and butter sandwiches when I missed breakfast. He marked my proxies in class. He understood when I was hungry or sad even before I knew it myself. He sang old Hindi songs with me, he made me laugh and he made me cry. He hurt me more than anyone else here, but he loved me so much more than that. He sent me hilarious audio clips in the morning to wake me up for class. He sent me chocolates, he got me books, he encouraged me, he made me feel I am worth so much more than what I get. We would sit by the benches next to the basketball court and gaze up in amazement at how clear the skies were. He would invariably tell me “You see that? That’s the Orion belt. And that’s Ursa Minor.” And I would say “Wow”, even thought I knew that already. I would let him explain the constellations to me, because then, his eyes twinkled brighter than the stars.  How do I say what it would be to not talk to him at the end of every single day?

How do I describe what those Whatsapp group conversations mean? Asking about the next lunch/dinner, discussing assignments, events, classes or people. That incessant chatter will one day end. I am afraid it would reach a point where none of us would have anything in common to discuss. I am even more afraid that one by one, each of us would leave the group and get lost in our respective jobs, dashing about concrete jungles and trying to make sense of the brand new chapter in each of our lives.

How do I explain how much I love my room? How inviting the bed is after a class ends and you stumble inside the room, drained out of energy. How fresh it looks when it is bathed in the sunlight entering through the window? How do I write what seeing familiar tables in the mess felt? Those times when you would stand till 11:59 outside the hostel gate, talking to everyone because it was just so much fun to be with all your best friends? How it felt when the cool breeze blew the hair away from our faces, and we ran around, high on friendship and on love.

What do I do with the endless photos I have gathered in my phone? The unusual uniqueness of every relationship I share with each of my friends. So different, so comfortable. How I know each one of them so well. Maybe too well. Which makes me love them and hate them at the same time.

When you live on a residential campus, your friends are your family. And I have found my family here. These hills, silently observing our every move, knowing what takes place in dark, obscure spots of the campus, enveloping us in their misty, majestic presence. They know us. It is oddly pleasing to look at the sprawling city spread out before you like a game of Monopoly. The shimmering city lights in the distance remind you that when you gain enough perspective, your problems do not seem as gigantic as you make them in your head. Right now, I feel that there is so much more to life than your career. Than your placement. Than your CGPA. That’s not what we will remember. What we will remember are the nights we were crazy enough to stay awake and go for breakfast even before the mess opened. What we will remember are those times we stayed up at night talking, realizing how we all have the same doubts in life, how we are all in this together. We are all in the same boat. We are a family.  

I wanted to do this for quite some time. Just sit in front of my laptop without thinking and let the words spill out, like smoke billowing out of a chimney in haphazard patterns. There is so much more to this place than what meets the eye. It teaches you life lessons which probably no other place would teach. It compels you to bond with the people around you, to keep you sane. It teaches you that there is more to life than holding grudges against each other, or to wallow in grief if you miss out on an opportunity. Much like the roads here, life here has been full of ups and downs. And my heart refuses to believe that it is going to end. How would it be to not have to worry about missing class every morning? How would it be to never have to write an exam again? How would it be to not stay up all night and sleep the next day away? How would it be to not see the deep orange sky and the silhouettes of the guys playing football every evening? What would life be? Where would I be? Where would we all be?

We would all probably be struggling with our newfound freedom and all the challenges that come with it. But I am certain that we would never forget our experiences on these amazing, throbbing, gleaming, heartbreaking hills. The hills that have witnessed thousands of students come here, go through the same experiences every 20-year-old something would go through, and then leave with a heavy heart. They have watched them leave year after year, knowing that they will never be the same again. 

A Hazy Shade of Winter

Sometimes there is so much happening around you that you are afraid to write about it because it is so overwhelming. You are trying to avoid thinking about some things and writing about them reaffirms all your fears and insecurities. But then writing also helps clear your head, and gives you the chance to channelize your thoughts coherently. That is why I just decided to write today. It helps you move on.

I realized something. I was a spoilt little kid when I was growing up. I’ve been reading about the middle-child psychological traits, and most of us are attention seekers since we feel neglected during childhood. Everything the first child does is special and new and amazing, and when the second child does it, they go like “Yeah, so well what’s new?” So ever since I can remember, I’ve been a noisy little kid. My mom always says I'm so stubborn I always get what I want somehow. When I was about five, we were out shopping for my birthday and I wanted an expensive Mickey Mouse soft toy. Mom got me a Teddy bear instead. I cried and threw a tantrum. I didn't play with the bear, only cried for Mickey Mouse. Dad took me to the shop and got it for me. That thing was my life. I carried it everywhere, fed it, slept with it, even took it to the doctor, for his check up. The doctor still remembers the way I told him, "Doctor, iske batooke mein sui laga do." (Give him an injection in his butt)

A similar instance is about a fight I had with my mom over a frilly frock for my birthday party. I wanted a pink frock with a bloomer that had silver dots on it. She wanted to buy me a yellow one with NO dots on the bloomer. My mom did not get me that, and I was sore for the next few days. Another time. My brother decapitated my Barbie doll and I cried so much, dad had to go out and get the same one for me. I've always been pampered. My parents always got me what I wanted. And if they didn't, I knew if I make a lot of noise, they would. Maybe they were overcompensating for unknowingly neglecting me. Who knows? I guess I always felt that if you really want something bad enough, you’ll get it. Somehow or the other, I never had to face rejection or be desperate for anything. To pine for something. I pine for something today. A couple of things actually.

I did not get placed in the company I was vying for. My best friends got the same job. I wanted it. I really wanted it. After crying about it for two days, I finally let the most clichéd phrases people have been telling me, sink inside me. “There is something better in store.” “Maybe life has another plan.” “Maybe this job wasn’t for you.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s one rejection. One interview gone bad. But it HURTS. I really wanted it. So now I’m applying anywhere I can, not really keeping my expectations high. People say it builds character. Well, I’ve built a hell of a lot of character in the past few days then.

Why is it so difficult for me to let things go? People, relationships, opportunities, mistakes, memories. I cling on to everything, every smidgen of everything, till the very last thread breaks and I have no choice but to move on.

In other, happier news, I watched the first two seasons of Black Mirror. Waiting for the third season to come out. Wow. What a show. I’ve always had this theory that too much of digitalization and social networking and gadgets are going to turn us into these monogamous zombies who do not have any idea what the real, simple things in life are all about. And it has already happened. Well, Black Mirror takes it to a whole new level. In one episode, a woman loses her fiancé in a car accident and a friend suggests a software to her in order to cope with her grief. Now this software uses all of his tweets, status updates, emails, chat histories, photos, videos and all other information available online to create a virtual him. Freaky, right? She could chat with him, even talk to him on the phone. He talked exactly like him, but he DIDN’T EVEN EXIST. You know what? Let me not spoilt it for you. Please watch it!

Also, I’m watching The Office all over again. Oh god, I still laugh at all of Jim’s pranks, and when Michel goes berserk over a stupid reason and when Pam and Jim kiss for the first time. It’s like reliving graduation days again. What a time it was.

College is awesome. This is the last sem, so very few classes, a lot of free time to spend with friends, and SLEEP and do movie marathons late into the night. We had a DJ night yesterday in college, and we all lost our minds dancing. I hit so many people in the maddening crowd, and I tripped on a wire and my muscles are aching now, but it was so worth it. And guess what? My dissertation topic is on Breaking Bad: the emergence of the anti-hero as the hero. How cool is that?

The only looming tension on our heads right now is placements. It seems as if that’s what everyone is always talking about. I am tired of people asking me about it. Whenever someone gets placed, there’s a lot of congratulations and happiness, but there is also panic. It’s like we are all in the ocean, grappling in the icy cold water, waiting for our lifeboats. As soon as a person gets a boat, we feel happy they’ll live, but we fear our own safety. We look into the distance, hoping and waiting for it to come. And I know it will. It’s just that the wait is distressing.

I’m trying to be positive now. Being with people, trying to absorb all the good things about college life, and shun out the bad ones. The weather is perfect, the right amount of chilly and yet warm enough for me to crush the crunchy leaves on my way to class. The skies are clearer than ever before, and the sunsets are as beautiful, as they always are in Lavale. Chai time everyday is what I look forward to. They have opened up a couple of eating joints down the hill, and they have started giving this divine strawberry milkshake at the Coffee Stop. Possum, as usual, is awesome. We have the most hilarious, most crazy times in the room and I don’t care about the fact that people have officially declared us insane even one bit. I’m glad we are lunatics. I wish she was my roommate last year too. Oh well, it all ended well. All in all, can't complain. So, last two months. Sigh, never thought this day would come so soon. Pune, before I leave, I’m going to soak you up like a sponge. Just you wait.

We can't return, we can only look behind

I’m so happy today. I’m just so happy. Maybe because Chee shared this article with me and I realized how much it resonated with how I’ve been feeling lately but haven’t been able to put into words. I haven’t even comprehended how much I love the campus and the weather here. I was just existing, floating from hostel to mess and mess to classroom and back to hostel. One month went by in a blur. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I live on a hill and amidst hills and it’s always breezy and green and rainy.

I’ve been singing ‘The Circle Game’ by Joni Mitchell since evening. Please go and listen to it?

After dinner I spent my time with friends and soaked it in. Took it all in. I want to make the most of my time here. I want to know people. Make friends. Have crazy times. Difficult times. Go out. Travel (especially to Bombay) Write. Laugh. Live. I never realized before today how many possibilities exist now that I’ve moved out of home. I can do anything. Walk wherever I want to, always be surrounded by so many friends, go out and eat with them, take on individual projects with them. Almost anything I want to! I felt so full of life and love today. I felt so alive. And the breeze and the little raindrops added on to the effect. Music was wafting through the air, emanating from different corners of the campus. People were laughing, singing, dancing, bonding. I looked at the campus and at the sky and just felt lucky to be where I am. I love college. Room 221. The trees. The frogs. The constant chatter. The familiar faces. The smiles. The midnight birthday celebrations. The noise in the mess. The cold coffee. Sparks flying in the air. The conversations that flow. The friendships that bloom. Even the bad jokes. And it has all just begun.

I want to be so much more than what I am. 

Back after two (almost) life changing events!

"God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met." - Farrah Fawcett.

Happy Women’s Day! Love and best wishes to all the beautiful women in my life who make it so colourful and shrill and exciting! :D I received my first ever Women's day gift today. Flowers from a close friend! Red and white and pink roses! :D

It’s so good to write finally, after AGES. It also feels great to be so wonderfully busy that you don’t get time to read or write or chat. I went to Pune to give my interview. I love that place! And I went ALL ALONE for the first time! My dad left me at the airport and then I did everything ALL by myself.

:|

Hey, what?! It was a big thing for me okay?! BIG! I felt so important standing in the queues alone without anyone telling me what to do. I pretended like I do that every day. I met strange people on the flight, even met creeps who stared at me, stayed at an amazingly warm lady’s place, played with her adorable 4-year-old daughter, got dressed, gave my own self a nice pep talk and reached the college before time. It is situated on a hill and the campus is breathtakingly beautiful. It is surrounded by valleys and lush greenery and at sunset the sky turns orange and pink. I interacted with the students and the applicants and was thoroughly impressed by some of them. I enjoyed the written test and the personal interview. I don’t know what had come over me. I had hardly slept or eaten anything, but how I talked! The panel looked at me while I divulged into detailed answers to all their questions. I knew they were impressed. I got a good score too! I don’t know why I got a low score in the written. Well, I’m still awaiting my final result. But all in all, I had an amazing experience.

Oh and my sister’s wedding! Now I know how you feel after an event like this. First of all, I keep forgetting that she’s actually married. That she’s a wife. And has a husband! *gasp!* The wedding couldn’t have been better. We all ate, danced, sang, laughed, talked, went crazy. It was smooth and big and pretty. And didoo looked beautiful and it was weird watching her sitting on the stage. Usually, it used to be us standing in some remote corner in other people’s weddings and making fun of people. And I received overwhelming compliments about my hair and dress and everything. It was awesome.

And now I’m trying to settle back into my normal routine but I feel hung over. I don’t feel like getting out of my bed or doing anything whatsoever. It’s called “putting NED”. Chee shared this with me. Some IIT guy coined this term. It means “no enthu da”. It’s the state when you don’t have the enthusiasm to do anything; in fact, you don’t even feel like doing nothing. So yea, I’ve been putting lots of NED. Except that I watched Tangled, and The Darjeeling Limited. I loved both. Rapunzel reminded me of myself and The Darjeeling Ltd. was just so ..outlandish! It’s filmed in India and has shown it in its truest and most honest way. You’ll fall in love with the music and the scenes. Irfan Khan was a surprise!

Now I’m thinking of reading a book. Or maybe sleeping. Yes, sleeping. Although that’s all I’ve done most of the day. It still sounds extremely promising.

P.S. I love all my followers.

:* This is for you all :)