A Hazy Shade of Winter

Sometimes there is so much happening around you that you are afraid to write about it because it is so overwhelming. You are trying to avoid thinking about some things and writing about them reaffirms all your fears and insecurities. But then writing also helps clear your head, and gives you the chance to channelize your thoughts coherently. That is why I just decided to write today. It helps you move on.

I realized something. I was a spoilt little kid when I was growing up. I’ve been reading about the middle-child psychological traits, and most of us are attention seekers since we feel neglected during childhood. Everything the first child does is special and new and amazing, and when the second child does it, they go like “Yeah, so well what’s new?” So ever since I can remember, I’ve been a noisy little kid. My mom always says I'm so stubborn I always get what I want somehow. When I was about five, we were out shopping for my birthday and I wanted an expensive Mickey Mouse soft toy. Mom got me a Teddy bear instead. I cried and threw a tantrum. I didn't play with the bear, only cried for Mickey Mouse. Dad took me to the shop and got it for me. That thing was my life. I carried it everywhere, fed it, slept with it, even took it to the doctor, for his check up. The doctor still remembers the way I told him, "Doctor, iske batooke mein sui laga do." (Give him an injection in his butt)

A similar instance is about a fight I had with my mom over a frilly frock for my birthday party. I wanted a pink frock with a bloomer that had silver dots on it. She wanted to buy me a yellow one with NO dots on the bloomer. My mom did not get me that, and I was sore for the next few days. Another time. My brother decapitated my Barbie doll and I cried so much, dad had to go out and get the same one for me. I've always been pampered. My parents always got me what I wanted. And if they didn't, I knew if I make a lot of noise, they would. Maybe they were overcompensating for unknowingly neglecting me. Who knows? I guess I always felt that if you really want something bad enough, you’ll get it. Somehow or the other, I never had to face rejection or be desperate for anything. To pine for something. I pine for something today. A couple of things actually.

I did not get placed in the company I was vying for. My best friends got the same job. I wanted it. I really wanted it. After crying about it for two days, I finally let the most clichéd phrases people have been telling me, sink inside me. “There is something better in store.” “Maybe life has another plan.” “Maybe this job wasn’t for you.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s one rejection. One interview gone bad. But it HURTS. I really wanted it. So now I’m applying anywhere I can, not really keeping my expectations high. People say it builds character. Well, I’ve built a hell of a lot of character in the past few days then.

Why is it so difficult for me to let things go? People, relationships, opportunities, mistakes, memories. I cling on to everything, every smidgen of everything, till the very last thread breaks and I have no choice but to move on.

In other, happier news, I watched the first two seasons of Black Mirror. Waiting for the third season to come out. Wow. What a show. I’ve always had this theory that too much of digitalization and social networking and gadgets are going to turn us into these monogamous zombies who do not have any idea what the real, simple things in life are all about. And it has already happened. Well, Black Mirror takes it to a whole new level. In one episode, a woman loses her fiancé in a car accident and a friend suggests a software to her in order to cope with her grief. Now this software uses all of his tweets, status updates, emails, chat histories, photos, videos and all other information available online to create a virtual him. Freaky, right? She could chat with him, even talk to him on the phone. He talked exactly like him, but he DIDN’T EVEN EXIST. You know what? Let me not spoilt it for you. Please watch it!

Also, I’m watching The Office all over again. Oh god, I still laugh at all of Jim’s pranks, and when Michel goes berserk over a stupid reason and when Pam and Jim kiss for the first time. It’s like reliving graduation days again. What a time it was.

College is awesome. This is the last sem, so very few classes, a lot of free time to spend with friends, and SLEEP and do movie marathons late into the night. We had a DJ night yesterday in college, and we all lost our minds dancing. I hit so many people in the maddening crowd, and I tripped on a wire and my muscles are aching now, but it was so worth it. And guess what? My dissertation topic is on Breaking Bad: the emergence of the anti-hero as the hero. How cool is that?

The only looming tension on our heads right now is placements. It seems as if that’s what everyone is always talking about. I am tired of people asking me about it. Whenever someone gets placed, there’s a lot of congratulations and happiness, but there is also panic. It’s like we are all in the ocean, grappling in the icy cold water, waiting for our lifeboats. As soon as a person gets a boat, we feel happy they’ll live, but we fear our own safety. We look into the distance, hoping and waiting for it to come. And I know it will. It’s just that the wait is distressing.

I’m trying to be positive now. Being with people, trying to absorb all the good things about college life, and shun out the bad ones. The weather is perfect, the right amount of chilly and yet warm enough for me to crush the crunchy leaves on my way to class. The skies are clearer than ever before, and the sunsets are as beautiful, as they always are in Lavale. Chai time everyday is what I look forward to. They have opened up a couple of eating joints down the hill, and they have started giving this divine strawberry milkshake at the Coffee Stop. Possum, as usual, is awesome. We have the most hilarious, most crazy times in the room and I don’t care about the fact that people have officially declared us insane even one bit. I’m glad we are lunatics. I wish she was my roommate last year too. Oh well, it all ended well. All in all, can't complain. So, last two months. Sigh, never thought this day would come so soon. Pune, before I leave, I’m going to soak you up like a sponge. Just you wait.