Just breathe

Yup.

A couple of days back, my laptop charger suddenly decided to stop working. It said ‘the battery was unrecognized’ and I would have to buy a new one. My first reaction was a loud gasp ensued by a panic attack. I could not afford to have even a temporarily dead laptop because it has EVERYTHING. Literally, everything. My books, my ongoing dissertation work, my movies, my songs, internet, everything. It’s my connection to everything important in my life right now. Then I thought to myself how pathetic that was. I mean, if I can’t use my laptop, I’m practically handicapped. I won’t be able to work, to watch anything, read anything, or chat with anyone. I mean, what about the days when your books were physical, your notes were written on actual notebooks and you spent more time outside talking to people for real, and not typing out words with a poker face infested with ‘LOLs’ when you don’t actually ‘LOL’.  

I thought to myself it won’t be so bad. I’d order another charger and in the meantime I can go out more, read a book or talk to people. But I knew I would be restless till I get my hands on my laptop again. This is what we do, every single day after our classes get over. It’s unnerving, and disconcerting to think of the amount of information that is shoved into our faces as soon as we sign into our Twitter accounts or read all those feeds on our Facebook walls. The relentless ‘Which Game of Thrones character are you?’ quizzes, or innumerable reports and analysis of the same events, or opinion pieces on politics and how so and so affects your so and so. It makes me think, do we need so much information after all? Is it even healthy?  

Everything and everyone is crying out for your attention. But not everything and everyone deserves your attention. Imagine if a person living in the 1930s time-travelled into the future and observed us. He’d be befuddled and appalled to see how everyone is so obsessed with these square-shaped gadgets of various sizes emitting light on people’s faces. He might think human beings are possessed by some sort of bewitching objects, and we have no choice but to follow their orders. Because more often than not, it is us following their orders, than giving them. ‘Read me! Read me!’ ‘Click me because my headline is really inviting and once you open it you’ll realize that it is actually completely useless.’ ‘Watch this video and waste several minutes of your life which you could have spent stargazing or getting some exercise.’ They make us lazy, complacent and totally dependent on them. People can be dumb today, because they know they just have to whip out their black mirrors and get all the answers they want. Don’t know a song? Shazam it! Forgot the name of a movie? Google it! Eating something, or absolutely anything at all? Instagram it! Came across something nobody cares about? Tweet it!

Want to know what’s the worst part? We have all fallen prey to it. Including me. Though I might not be as bad as some of my friends, who hold their cell phones as if they’re an actual extension of their hands, I do it too. I do it because I’m a media student, and I have to ‘keep up.’ I need to be up to date with facts, and sometimes I do admit, I enjoy it. There is a vicarious thrill in 'checking someone out' or 'stalking' them or make fun of what they write. But I wish we had not reached a stage where we all go out and spend half the time with our eyes fixed on our tiny screens. Where everyone can be whoever they want to be, by projecting who they want to be, and not who they really are.

I miss the time when I used to listen to music on my Walkman and rewind it over and over to try to figure out what the singer with the heavy American accent was trying to say. I miss playing board games and cards and the anticipation of getting glossy printed photographs. I just wish we were not so reliant on it, you know? Too much of anything can’t be good.

Anyway, today is March 4^th. Know what that means? We have exactly one month before college gets over. One month to finish the dissertation, classes, assignments and exams. We just attended a college fest. Our last one. We had a band called Swarathma that played in college. They were great! Entertaining, good and kind of crazy. Plus, Amitabh Bachchan visited our campus today! Yep, we saw him in flesh and blood. His voice is amazing. It was pretty unbelievable to see the not so 'angry young man' for real. So, good stuff. 

I’ve been discovering lots of new music and Fleet Foxes is one of my most favourite bands currently. Please listen to them. My top two songs are ‘Blue Ridge Mountains’ and ‘Your Protector’. I’ve also been listening to this song called 'Breathe' since I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I like the lyrics.

Went to Bombay to give an interview, and once again, was shocked at the number of people scurrying about. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get used to that.

We spent the entire time playing Taboo after dinner today. God, it can be so much fun. Really keeps you on your toes. The breeze was beautiful tonight, like always. I’m trying not to get increasingly sentimental about leaving college over the next few days.

My sister completed two years of marriage today. TWO WHOLE YEARS. I was kind of freaking out about it. I had thought I would be sorted by the time I’m 23. But I guess you can never be ‘sorted’ in your life, ever. One of the things Big B said in his speech today was, “Agar mann ka ho to achcha hai. Aur agar mann ka na ho to zyaada achcha hai.” Translation: “If something you want happens, it’s good. If something you want doesn’t happen, it’s even better.” It just put a smile on my face. It’s okay if things are not turning out as I wanted them to. It will all be okay.

Like the song says, breathe. Just breathe. 

Zinda hoon yaar, kaafi hai

I watched Lootera yesterday. I loved a Hindi movie to this extent after a long time. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting such good performances by Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh after the kind of movies they’ve done. But I had my hopes anchored at Vikramaditya Motwane, and I knew he won’t disappoint the audience after Udaan. I was right.

The entire movie is a visual masterpiece, with each shot planned and strung together beautifully to bring out the surreal, dreamlike feel to the movie, while not overdoing it. The cinematography is breathtaking and the performances powerfully played out. Even though there is minimal dialogue exchange, a lot of emotions have been evoked with silence and expressions. The music is sublime and beautiful, and stays with you long after you walk out of the hall. I can’t stop listening to the album. It’s healing and uplifting, to say the least. The lyrics are unbelievable. Amit Trivedi and Amitabh Bhattacharya have outdone themselves.

The movie promises to be an unforgettable one at the very first scene, where the father narrates a story to her beloved daughter. The simplicity of the scene was something anyone can fall in love with. Barun Chanda has played the father’s role with genuine intensity and compassion. Ranveer Singh’s dialogue delivery seems to be a bit too soft at times, but he plays his role as the hero, as well as the anti-hero convincingly. Sonakshi Sinha is the beautiful, protected and isolated daughter who discovers love and falls in it momentously and tragically. She is often hot tempered and irrational, which makes her all the more endearing. Her role as the desolate, failing writer who sits by her window looking at the snow falling outside and the slow falling of the leaves off the branches of a tree is brilliantly carried out.

The fact that the movie has its own flaws cannot be denied though. The relationship between the protagonists could have been explored a little more, the second half of the movie fails to establish the connect that the audience has with the first half. But the music, shots and the earnest performances overshadows the somewhat weak storyline. I’d really want you to ignore all the flaws, and enjoy the film for what it really is. Live it, feel it. Watch it, if only to watch the last scene. 

Rewind. Stop. Play.

“Kyun na hum tum,
Chalein tedhe medhe se raston pe
Nange paon re,
Chal bhatak lena baanwre”

Have you listened to the soundtrack of Barfi? Though the movie was disappointing, the music is almost heartbreakingly magical. It only adds to my already painfully nostalgic existence. It’s funny how I’m always reminiscing at this age. When I’m 70 I’ll probably kill myself.

When I was downloading the album from the file-sharing software through which our entire college is connected, I realized how easy it is now to get songs and movies. It hardly takes a few seconds. Wow. Sometimes I fondly look back at the times when cassettes were the latest thing, and we had to stand in line in a music shop, buy a cassette for 50 rupees, and if we were lucky, get a two-in-one tape with songs of two movies in it! Oh how thrilling it used to be to remove the plastic, put the shiny new cassette in the car’s stereo system, read everything written on the cover, and listen to those 8 odd songs over and over again till the cassette would be ready to disintegrate into a thousand little pieces. During family trips, those handful of songs used to be such loyal companions. We would listen to the songs so many times that every beat, every rhythm, every syllable would get embedded into our conscience so deeply that we would probably never forget them in this lifetime. I still remember every word and every musical instrument used in all those Dil to Pagal Hai and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai songs and I can sing them with the same amount of impossible energy and enthusiasm as I did when I was 8.

My earliest memories of movies are the ones dad had recorded for us on the VCR. Chaalbaaz, Andaaz Apna Apna and Saajan were a few of them. Watching Tom and Jerry was a ritual. Lion King, Home Alone, Dunston checks in, Mrs. Doubtfire led us into fascinating, obscure worlds. We were the first family in our locality to buy a small Sony CD player and getting a new movie CD on rent and watching it on the TV used to be an event. Generally on weekends, the drawing room used to be alive with relatives plonked on soft white mattresses, the soothing roar of the air cooler in the background, the entire family would sit together and get lost in the world of make-believe, glamour and artificial characters. Funny, comical movies used to be the best. I can still recall dad’s face red and contorted with the effort of trying to suppress the laughter, tears flowing down mom’s eyes as she laughed uncontrollably, my brother rolling on the floor laughing that distinct high-pitched laughter of his and my sister, almost falling off the sofa more at the others than what was happening in the movie itself. Sometimes there used to be mom’s pav-bhaji with lots of butter and Coke, and sometimes there used to be aloo poori with that one inevitable cup of chai that always had to follow, and there was that little argument about who was going to make it.

Even going out to watch the 9 to 12 movie show in the traditional theatres was an experience. Having an early dinner and getting ready, buying tickets and popcorn, and watching the movie with the family, and always, always wrapping mom’s chunni around me when it got too chilly inside the hall. Discussing the movie and asking everyone “Movie kaisi lagi?” (How did you like the movie?) in the car on the way back. Stopping on the way for ice-cream or paan.

Winter nights were spent watching silly hows like Comedy Circus, CID, KBC or Aahat or any movie being shown on the TV whatsoever, snuggled inside fluffy quilts chewing carelessly on peanuts or cashews. The first sentence after switching the TV on used to be “Dekho koi achchi picture aa rahi hai kya?” (See if there’s a good movie on TV!) Making fun of all the make-up wearing, glycerine-using, poor housewives in all of the K serials mom used to watch. The afternoons were a blur of Rasna, Khas, water melons and naps in front of the cooler after watching the ‘70s and ‘80s movies with grandparents.

It was a time when a few clicks and a few seconds were not enough to get access to the enchanting, wonderful world of movies and music. I often feel I was lucky to be born in a typical middle class family in India in the ‘90s because I have seen the transition every so clearly right in front of my eyes. God bless technology that we are exposed to so many documentaries and movies that one lifetime would not be enough.

But sometimes, I yearn for that time, I long to be that little girl again, perched on that maroon sofa in a small house in a small town, sipping Rooh Afza with my laughing, chortling family around me because Paresh Rawal said something funny to Sunil Shetty in Aawara Pagal Deewana.

22

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.”

The quote is from the movie The Perks of being a Wallflower, and I can relate to it so well right now. I LOVED the movie. Before I watched it, it seemed to be like a regular high school movie, except that it wasn’t. And it has a beautiful soundtrack. I’ve been listening to Heroes by David Bowie since I saw it (‘The Tunnel song’) and my head is swimming with so many thoughts.

I am 22. I’ve always wanted to be 22 since I was a kid. 22 always felt like the most fun age. The ideal age. Not only is 22 my second favourite number, but this is where I always wanted to be! This. Right here. It is like a big cross I had made on the map of my life and I am standing right on top of it. But I realized I had forgotten all about it. I find myself so busy lamenting over my past or worrying about my future that I end up feeling really morbid all the time. I am 22 and I feel like sleeping for a thousand years. I feel like not being aware of the fact that I exist for a while. Till it all gets better. How did it all become so haywire? What happened to my ‘living in the moment’ plan? What happened to all my plans in fact? Wait, did I even have any plans?

Recently one of my most admired teachers randomly walked up to me and said “You’re not alright in life, are you? You’ve lost the twinkle in your eyes. I know something is wrong.” And I was speechless. She had noticed? Is it that apparent? And since then I have been questioning myself. Why? How? I am only 22! I’m still in the phase of my life where I can fix things for myself. I should be able to get over stuff. I need to admit it that I am human, and I am stupid and that I hurt people. And I need to learn from that. I need to grow. I need to accept the fact that I will not get over some people I have lost, and just live with it.

There is a dialogue in the movie “I know we'll all become somebody, we'll all become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom and dad. Right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I'm here.”

It just made me think. It’s okay that some plans didn’t work out. It’s okay that life took a completely unexpected turn. Things happen for a reason. And in the end everything somehow turns okay. Even if right now it feels like life will never ever get any better, come on, it has to. Life still is beautiful, with endless possibilities spread out before you. It is exciting. You don’t know what is going to happen. You don’t know who or where you are going to be. This is really the time to make it all happen. We cannot choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from here, right?

It’s not too late for anything. I need to find my way. I need to step up to things. Accept my mistakes. Move past them. Maybe life has a different plan. There is another world. A better world, waiting for me. There has to be. And what will I do? I will keep all the memories deep inside me, close to me. I will just embrace life, and walk towards it. That’s my plan, for now.

“The scent of a flower,

The colours of the morning,

Friends to believe in,

Tears soon forgotten,

See how the rain drives away, another day.”

                                                                            --Dusk, by the Genesis

Dilli Diaries: Part II

"Ambar pe milte hain kadmon ke nishaan, tere hi har shaam,
Khidki pe likhe koi os ki boondon se, tera naam."

I cannot explain why this song makes me feel the way I feel when I listen to it. It brings back a lot of memories, and stirs emotions which I am always trying to hide.

It's the magic of music, I guess.

My blood test results are out, and turns out, I only had the sniffles, and not dengue. So I won't die. Yay? Yay.

Delhi is beautifully silent tonight. I'm so going to sleep. 

We can't return, we can only look behind

I’m so happy today. I’m just so happy. Maybe because Chee shared this article with me and I realized how much it resonated with how I’ve been feeling lately but haven’t been able to put into words. I haven’t even comprehended how much I love the campus and the weather here. I was just existing, floating from hostel to mess and mess to classroom and back to hostel. One month went by in a blur. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I live on a hill and amidst hills and it’s always breezy and green and rainy.

I’ve been singing ‘The Circle Game’ by Joni Mitchell since evening. Please go and listen to it?

After dinner I spent my time with friends and soaked it in. Took it all in. I want to make the most of my time here. I want to know people. Make friends. Have crazy times. Difficult times. Go out. Travel (especially to Bombay) Write. Laugh. Live. I never realized before today how many possibilities exist now that I’ve moved out of home. I can do anything. Walk wherever I want to, always be surrounded by so many friends, go out and eat with them, take on individual projects with them. Almost anything I want to! I felt so full of life and love today. I felt so alive. And the breeze and the little raindrops added on to the effect. Music was wafting through the air, emanating from different corners of the campus. People were laughing, singing, dancing, bonding. I looked at the campus and at the sky and just felt lucky to be where I am. I love college. Room 221. The trees. The frogs. The constant chatter. The familiar faces. The smiles. The midnight birthday celebrations. The noise in the mess. The cold coffee. Sparks flying in the air. The conversations that flow. The friendships that bloom. Even the bad jokes. And it has all just begun.

I want to be so much more than what I am. 

Wish you were here

This is an open letter to you. Why is it open? I don’t know. It’s kind of thrilling I guess. It has to be more than just an e-mail when I know you’re completely inaccessible and vacationing in Goa. I hope you’re having exotic drinks and frolicking about in your Fedora hat and being the perfect eye candy to the skimpily clothed girls. Or should it be the other way round? :)

I stood in my balcony today, wearing only a single loose sweater with my hands inside the sleeves and allowed the biting winds to attack me with full force while I noticed the vapours coming out of my mouth wherein my teeth were clattering silently. I kind of liked it. I was thinking of you. And your abnormal gait and the newly developed hole in your cheek, which you purposefully try to pronounce so that I would compliment you. Right, like you need any more reasons to be cuter. And how you put your unimaginably twisted hand on your chest and say “that is correct” with so much of authority in your voice :P

I have realized that I should listen to you more often. I should have seen O Brother Where Art Thou long back, but I didn’t, even though you kept telling me to. And now that I’ve seen it, even I am hooked on to ‘I’ll fly away’. It is a wonderful, positive song and I feel instantly happy when I listen to it. I’m still chuckling to myself thinking of some of the scenes. George Clooney is hilarious. I’ve started liking old time country music so much now. Thank you! You’re awesome.

I’m addicted to OK Computer and In Rainbows. I don't understand why I’m so obsessed with Radiohead. It is so surreal and beautiful. I cannot stop once I start listening to it. Also, ‘Pigs’ is my new favourite song by Pink Floyd.  I talked to one of my friends about you today :) And another friend called us ‘disgustingly cute’! And cute guy with dimples has been texting me :)

I saw you in my dream where you were dancing to an old Helen song. Can you believe it? You! And dancing! We also had an entire conversation in it. You were plucking out your hair for me and asking me to keep it safely :)

I am almost done reading Love in the Time of Cholera and turns out, I like it. It has been written in a poetic, romantic way and yet it is funny in a lot of parts. I’m really hoping the ending to be good. It feels really nice when you follow the story of somebody else’s life and try to analyze why they do the things they do and then try to relate it to your own life. I don’t know, it’s a very good feeling, when you try to imagine yourself to be in their situation and then think of what you’d have done.

I know that I should seriously start preparing for my entrance exams and work diligently on my projects, but there is this huge inertia lurking about. I know I can get over it. My conscious mind says “I’m going to lock all my books away and deactivate my Facebook account and stop blogging and sleep less and switch off my phone and do some work seriously.” And then my subconscious mind guffaws with amusement and says “Yeah right” :|

It is so annoying. Okay, come what may, I have promised myself I’m going to make substantial progress in at least 2 out of the 5 projects at hand. I swear. And again, I need to start listening to you and STOP sleeping in the afternoon. The ‘naps’ get converted into 5 hours of dreams-infused, drunk, death-like sleep. And then I stay awake all night and yawn and nod off incessantly in the classes. Seriously, like you always say “something has to be done”.

I really like this line from the song ‘Tum Ho’ (Rockstar) because it reminds me of our long walks in Baroda :)

“Kahin se, kahin ko bhi, aao bewaja chalein,

Pooche bina, kisi se, hum milein.

Bandishein na rahin, koi baaki”

Okay I realize this is the most pointless blog post I have ever written but I had to do something. I’m missing you. Try to dream of me tonight?

Love,

Tweeky :D

The Times They are A-Changin'

I was listening to The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel last night, when a friend happened to call me up. He asked me what I was up to and I told him. And he goes, “Ugh, Simon and Garfunkel are so GAY! What’s wrong with your music taste? You need to listen to some REAL music.”

I was so furious that I couldn’t utter a word. REAL music?! REAL MUSIC!?! What does he even MEAN by real music? What does he even KNOW about real music? First of all, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Second, Simon and Garkunkel are not Simon and Garfunkel for no reason, you know. And if he thinks that those meaningless dhik-chiki-dhik-dhik beats spread across various patterns of minutes, which is enough to give you a nice headache is REAL music, and the beautiful lyrics, the velvety voices, the soulful tunes of Simon and Garfunkel is not real music, then thank you very much, I prefer to listen to all the unreal music in the world.

I mean, I sincerely feel you need a lot of depth to appreciate music like this. He even disliked Yes. HOW can you dislike something like that? How can you dislike ‘The Dangling Conversation’ and 'And You And I’ and ‘Scarborough Fair?!’ I mean I listen to all this and I feel like drifting off into space in another place and time.

Okay I need to relax. I’m just livid because I love them too much. Moving on to nicer things, the weather is perfect. Just perfect. It’s the right amount of cold and the right amount of sunny. I have to go through another ten painful days of appalling, creepy crawly, nightmare inducing exams and then I’ll get a juicy stack of a glorious ten days of holidays, spending the most stupendous time with my most favourite people in the universe. Ever. And after this, I’ll have just ONE more semester to go. One. The final one! And people, pwease pray for my exam on the 18th. I am jittery  petrified! *teeth clattering* :O 

All in all, I have this warm glow somewhere inside me. It’s basically because of a singular powerful, um, reason. It’s like a little yellow sun burning inside of me, somewhere in my heart, keeping me warm and protecting me from all the cold outside. (Jeez, was that cheesy or what!) I have a very strong feeling everything is going to be just fine in the end. It is all going to work out. It has to. And if it doesn't, it won't be the end. I’m finally coming to terms with my past. The hurt is gradually receding into a vague indifference. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but it’s happening. It is, it finally, finally is!!


Oh run away time, skip away, hop like a bunny! Hop! Hop! Hop!  


And the others, check out this timeless piece of awesomeness:

"Then take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind,

Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves

The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,

Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free

Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,

With all the memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves

Let me forget about today until tomorrow."

-Bob Dylan

Tangled up in blue!

I’m starting to love Bob Dylan. And The Smiths, Muse and Nirvana.

I don’t like being alone in an empty house. Which, um, happens every day. Then I try to do things to keep myself busy so that I won’t start to sulk for stupid reasons. So I tried to moonwalk gracefully on Billie Jean a while back. And invented funny steps while dancing to Jailhouse Rock. Invigorating!

Really, everyone should try it. Just be stupid. Be crazy. Make yourself laugh. Let yourself go. Do those steps which make your hair fly and make you feel all pretty and glamorous. Pout, blow kisses into the mirror, catwalk, play an imaginary guitar, sing into an invisible mic, try to look sophisticated. Try. You need it during stressful times during exams.

I read a lot of blogs of people in their early twenties. Man, ALL of us sound the same! Stress, uncertain future, studies, friendship, doubts, misunderstandings. It was like I was reading my own thoughts expressed in different words. It was uncanny! It makes me smile to think that there are so many out there like me who fuss over little things, get cranky and confused and depressed over piddling issues. And then I read about QLC (Yes En, it does sound cool :D) in En’s blog. Makes sense. Makes total sense.

I’m extremely sleepy but I’m just whiling away time because I’ve to go over to my friend’s place in some time to study for tomorrow’s exam :/ Statistics. God, these exams will be the death of me. They’re making me corrode inside. I can feel it. 

Old Friends

I went out for a walk to take a break from studying. Walking amidst the fog, looking at people slowly emerging through the mist, puppies playing about, people on bicycles with faces covered with mufflers, and the sensation of the cool moisture against my face.. it was all so beautiful. The smell of winter and the fog goes so well with the song I was listening to. Old Friends by Simon and Garfunkel. It is, and will always and always be, one of the closest songs to my heart. It’s so beautiful I could die.

It reminds me of two pairs of naughty, twinkling eyes; shivers down my spine; clandestine holding of hands underneath a jacket; the most amazing conversation on a bench in front of one of the most beautiful monuments in the world; skipping and laughing about like little kids; and the feeling of all you had ever dreamt of, right in front of your eyes.

“Old Friends
Old Friends
Sat on their park bench like bookends
a newspaper blown through the grass
Falls on the round toes
Of the high shoes
Of the old friends

Old Friends
Winter companions, the old men
Lost in their overcoats
Waiting for the sunset
The sounds of the city sifting through trees
Settle like dust
On the shoulders of the old friends

Can you imagine us years from today
Sharing a park bench quietly?
How terribly strange to be seventy...

Old Friends
Memory brushes the same years
Silently sharing the same fear


Time it was and what a 
time it was it was
A time of innocence
A time of confidences

Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They're all that's left you”

I love us. And I dream of us sitting on a park bench, underneath pink skies and wispy clouds with the yellow, autumn leaves falling all around us.

Yes Yes Yes!

I've never been a big fan of Astrology and zodiac signs. I fail to understand how people are categorized into groups with similar characteristics. I mean, how is it possible that all the people born during a certain time of the year have similar qualities? Sounds a little absurd, if you ask me. But some of my friends are firm believers and they even tried to explain it to me by telling me it’s got something to do with the positioning of planets yada yada yada. (They even judge other people based on their sun sign.)

So when I read the basic features of a Scorpion (which is me), I did relate to many of the things. So somehow, a teensy weensy part of my brain thought maybe, just maybe all this is true to some extent. I completely agree with basic three things the website said about Scorpions. They’re: passionate, obsessive and emotional.

Currently I’m obsessed with this song called ‘And You and I’ by this band called Yes. And like so many other times, with so many other songs in the past, I've been listening to it over and over again, endlessly. The more I listen to it, the more I want to listen to it. It’s a continuous loop I tell you! It’s a beautiful, harmonic, soulful, deep track and it makes me sprout two wings on my back, fly up to a tall cliff and stands amidst the clouds, fall free from there, and then fly up just before reaching the ground [swooooosh!] higher and higher into the sky. Uh, pretty graphic, I know. It is unbelievable! The guitar, the bass, the high pitched yet poignant voice of Jon Anderson, the harmonies, the melody! OMG, I LOVE IT!

It makes me feel why the era of such amazing, rock music with their soul stirring lyrics and breath taking stage performances; turned to a generation of nasal black people hopping about and preteens (who sound like girls) romancing older girls on the screen. And it makes me wonder how people can prefer to ignore bands like Pink Floyd, Simon and Garkunkel and Radiohead who come up with songs that talk about, love, life, peace, nature, war and the deep convoluted emotions of people like you and me; and listen to songs that talk about human bodies and the act of fornication in the most vulgar way. I want to go live in the 1970s and attend a Yes concert and jump and scream like crazy, and tear my hair and clothes apart and probably burn the entire place down with the excitement and exhilaration of merely being there and witnessing such awesomeness! The song is par excellence! Par brilliance! Par beauty! Par par, dil ke aar paar! (Okay, I know I need to be kicked hard for saying that last bit, but what the hell!)

Check out the lyrics:

Part One: The Cord of Life

A man conceived a moment’s answers to the dream,
Staying the flowers daily, sensing all the themes.
As a foundation left to create the spiral aim,
A movement regained and regarded both the same,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.

Changed only for a sight of sound, the space agreed.
Between the picture of time behind the face of need,
Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.

Turn round tailor, coins and
Assaulting all the mornings of the crosses
Interest shown, never know
Presenting one another to the cord, their fruitless worth;
All left dying, rediscovered cords are broken,
Of the door that turned round, locked inside
To close the cover, the mother earth.
All the interest shown, they won’t
To turn one another, to the sign hide, hold, they won’t
At the time tell you, watching the world,
To float your climb. watching all of the world,
Watching us go by.

And you and I climb over the sea to the valley,
And you and I reached out for reasons to call.

Part Two: Eclipse

Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
As a movement regained and regarded both the same,
All complete in the side of seeds of life with you.

Part Three: The Preacher and the Teacher

Sad preacher nailed upon the coloured door of time;
Insane teacher be there reminded of the rhyme.
There’ll be no mutant enemy we shall certify;
Political ends, as sad remains, will die.
Reach out as forward tastes begin to enter you.

I listened hard but could not see
Life tempo change out and inside me.
The preacher trained in all to lose his name;
The teacher travels, asking to be shown the same.
In the end, we’ll agree, we’ll accept, we’ll immortalise
That the truth of the man maturing in his eyes,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.

Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
As a moment regained and regarded both the same,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
A clearer future, morning, evening, nights with you.

Part Four: The Apocalypse

And you and I climb, crossing the shapes of the morning.
And you and I reach over the sun for the river.
And you and I climb, clearer, towards the movement

And you and I called over valleys of endless seas.

As you can see, the song is divided into four parts. I tried hard to interpret the meaning of the song, but essentially, what I could come up with is that this is a song about love. Undying, endless, immortal love. Sniff ;) Also, almost all the other Yes songs have this... feel about them. You'll know what I'm talking about once you listen to them.

Anyhoo, this song holds a special place in my heart for various reasons, and it’s one of the most enchanting songs I’ve heard. Youtube it right now and experience the magic!

High on life!

(And the sultry day transformed into a beautiful, breezy one. Ahh, Paradise!)

Today is a good, good day. I’m perched on a couch in my sister’s flat in Baroda, which is my current abode for the whole month of June. Why? I came here for my Summer Internship; reached on the 22^nd of May and I’m here till the 30^th of June. The time spent here so far has been better than what I could have imagined. I get to stay comfortably, eat enviable stuff everyday and spend time with my MOST favourite people in the entire world! I have been up to such madness that I just don’t know where to start from! Some bizarre activities include:

1. Running around and dancing like a demented baboon on the terrace in the rain

2. Singing old, prehistoric hindi songs (including “saat samundar paar” and “jaati hoon main”) with my sis on top of our lungs

3. Making whacky, idiotic faces at public places and clicking pictures

4. Screaming “Penis!” in the middle of a busy road (Seen ‘500 Days of Summer’?)

5. Going for scooty rides at 1 AM at night at an insane speed and screaming at a guy wearing a gaudy shiny shirt “bhaiya, shirt toh badi achchi hai!”

6. Lying around like a wounded seal all day hogging on cheesy pizzas and juice

7. Having Bavarian chocolate ice cream in malls and making orgasmic faces and sounds

8. Travelling in a train, ticketless (while being kind of hung over)

9. Gracefully (or so I thought) dancing in front of the Palace of King Sayaji Rao

10. Cracking 'that's-what-she-said's at the oddest of situations

11. Sitting on the Columbus and feeling our tooshies go up in the air and screaming our throats sore

And trust me; these are just some of the things I’ve mentioned, from the top of my head. Some things, nay, MOST of the things I can’t even mention here! :P The people I’m hanging around with; it’s just impossible to be normal with them all the time.

Okay, on the serious side of life, I’m training under a delightfully enthusiastic, fun-loving and an intelligent female, Sowmya. She and her friends started up their own business here. It’s called Discount District. Personally, I feel it’s a brilliant idea and hats off at their efforts and achievements so far! I've started working and I love it! I really hope I’m able to give my best contribution and live up to her expectations. I will elaborate on this later.

Also, I’ve decided on another thing, I will blog not when I have a 'topic' in my mind, or when I think it’s an appropriate time. I will blog when I feel like writing. I will simply start writing, just like that. I will not abstain myself from writing something I really want to write about, just because I feel my post wouldn't be entertaining enough. It can be filled with my gibberish, my nonsense and my inane thoughts. Because it's MY blog. Which is exactly what I did for this post =) I did not think about what I’ll write, I just started tap-tapping on my beloved little netbook which I oh-so-totally adore!

And know what, I’m feeling gooooood! A contributing factor could be that I’m listening to The Beatles. And you know how different types of music have different moods?

“Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play,

 Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day.

 The sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful and so are you,

 Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
 Dear Prudence open up your eyes
 Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
 The wind is low the birds will sing
 That you are part of everything
 Dear Prudence won't you open up your eyes?”

Beautiful song!

But no, music is not the sole reason; I'm in love. Not just knee-deep in it, but completely immersed, like from head to toe. *Blush* This month is going to be legendary, especially the last weekend! ;) I’m feeling very optimistic and positive about life. There is a cool breeze blowing in through the window and I can feel that even nature agrees with me. I'm smiling for no particular reason; life is back on track and everything is just falling in place. Touchwood! These are some of the best days of my life and I’m going to make the most of them.
 Life, bring it on!! :D

P.S. I love my sister.

Darkness to Light

(Radiohead's logo behind a drawing made by its lead singer- Thom Yorke)

And it happened again last night. It is enormously maddening when insomnia strikes during exams. Some of you might think that’s strange, because for most people, the mere sight of text books lulls them to sleep. But no sirrreee, that’s not for me. After I’m done with whatever I plan to do for the day, I shift all my books and notes and everything to the other side of the bed, switch the lights off and stretch out in the hopes of catching a good night’s sleep and then getting up and revising everything the next morning. Hah! In my dreams (that’s a paradox!) I let my mind wander off in the beginning. It’s okay to gather up your thoughts at the end of the day and reflect on whatever happened or reminisce about the good ol’ times.

But, as luck has it, even though my body is unmovable with exhaustion and every pore is screaming at my brain and telling it to release those stupid sleep chemicals and put me to sleep, it just won’t happen. And the weirdest part is, I think of the most bizarre things imaginable. I think of what was, what is and what could have been. About what’s going to happen and about those damn ‘what-ifs’. Why do we do that? Why do we even need to think about the future at all? Or the past? Why is it so difficult to live in the present? Why do we have all these expectations and apprehensions when we know it’s only going to hurt when they come crashing down? Similarly, mulling over and regretting my past is another thing I have got to stop doing. I keep juggling with my past, present and future, worrying over nothing.

Sometimes I think so much I feel like someone is chewing my brain up. I just lie there, like a crumpled heap of dirty clothes, lost in my cornucopia of thoughts and speculations. Last night, for some reason I was thinking about the time when we had gone to Manali and how I had stood under the sky and felt the snow falling on my face. I could actually see it. When you look up at those tiny wisps of snowflakes falling, you feel like you are rising up; instead of them coming down. Pretty cool, huh? It’s almost hypnotic. I was thinking of how cute it would be if I were a little Labrador puppy. I would find myself so cute I would probably eat myself up. (I’m not joking) Also, (and it’s going to sound like I’m a freak) sometimes I hear lots of people talking together in my head. I can’t make out, but it feels like I’m in a crowded, noisy room.

I try to listen to music usually, but yesterday even that didn’t help. Listening to Radiohead makes me extremely emotional, nostalgic and dreamy. Actually, that might be one reason why I don’t fall asleep easily. The songs are hauntingly beautiful. It’s like every time I listen to it, I realize how addicted I am to them and how much I love them. Anyway, helpless and disoriented, I just lay there, paying attention to every sound, every instrument, every word and soon enough, it was almost morning. I saw the soft rays of sunshine entering through my windows through the curtains. A new day brings with it fresh thoughts and positivity; but ironically, I was thinking about not-so-sunshiny things. Recently, I saw Black Swan and I loved it, for obvious reasons. Darren Aronofsky has played with my mind earlier too with Requiem for a Dream and he did it again. I was trying to figure out how much of a Black swan I am. Is the White swan in me more dominant than the Black one?

Then I realized that it’s extremely difficult to assess yourself honestly. You’re always trying to defend yourself. You can point out a hundred mistakes in another person, but for you, you’re your favourite. I figured out a few things about me might put me in the Black swan category. I am selfish. There, I said it. Not always, but most of the times. Many times when doing something for someone, I’ve found myself asking, “Wait a minute, why am I doing this again?” Also, I can be extremely impatient and crabby with people who I have a low tolerance level for. Out of the blue, I go into these phases where I stop talking to people completely, then spring back into the old form and expect them to talk to me as if nothing happened. I expect a lot from people, and end up getting hurt if my expectations aren’t met. I don’t spend a lot of time with my family members; especially my grandparents. It bothers me, but I just do not put in the efforts.
When I’m going through my mood swings, I want people to get me and understand me and support me, but rarely do I ever do the same for them. I’m lazy. Lazy to the point of being insensitive.

I guess it’s enough for a day. I know I need to change a few things about me. Nay, many things about me. I’ve got to start pushing, making efforts, doing things worthwhile. I have constructed this little separate world of my own. In my room, on one specific corner of the bed, where it’s me, my netbook, my phone and my music. I couldn’t care less about what’s happening in the rest of the world. I’ve got to start caring, and break out of this shell.

You know it’s not entirely a good thing to be a spotless, sparkling white swan. You need to have a few flaws, a few shortcomings that make you human. But then, I’d like to be more on the white swan side just to be safe :)






P.S. And NOW I'm feeling sleepy. Great :|

Drops Of Earth!

One time of the year that I completely find irresistible and totally refreshing is the monsoon season! It’s not like I don’t enjoy the other times. I adore winters. Snuggling up inside the covers, reading a good book against the window, colorful woolen hats, mufflers and gloves, warming your hands on a mug of hot coffee, sitting with your parents with heaters on having peanuts, napping on your terrace soaking in the wonderful winter sun.. But the rains! They just do something to me. The smell of wet mud, and the sound of the drops of rain falling on your umbrella, jumping in water puddles, leaning out your verandah, feeling the drops fall on your face, having hot pakoras with tea! I still remember how, as tiny kids we would make paper boats and sail them in on the roads outside our house. And how we would hope for it to rain so that we could show off our new umbrellas and colorful raincoats!


I get this excited, jumpy, exhilarating feeling whenever it starts to pour. And I just cannot stop myself from going out and getting completely soaked! Lately it has been raining heavily almost everyday! It’s remarkable how my mood stays in sync with the weather! If it’s sunny and hot, I’ll be all sullen and dull. If it’s windy and rainy, I’ll be “Wee-ing” all over the place! My excitement level also increases as the rain starts to fall harder and faster!


Today turned out to be a surprisingly fun day. It was one of my friends [Smriti (the OTHER Smritis)] birthday. So we went to her place to give her this little surprise thing we had planned for her! Some of her other friends had decorated her apartment, blown balloons and that sort of thing. When we were done with all the ‘Surpriiiiiiiiiiiiise’ yelling and birthday wishing, and squealing and hugging sessions, we realized that it was pouring cats and dogs and horses and elephants outside! She suddenly exclaimed, “Let’s go on the terrace!!” And like small kids, we screamed and ran up to her terrace (which was on the 6th floor). It was amazing, the gush of wind, the awesome thunder clouds, the huge plump water drops which in a matter of seconds completely drenched us from head to toe! I spread out my arms and looked towards the sky and had this massive smile on my face. In no time, we were running all over her terrace and jumping in the water puddles playing splish-splash like toddlers! We were singing songs, and trying out various innovative dance moves and just being simply crazy. The view was invigorating, I could see the fields, the houses, the roads, the trees, everything just seemed so fresh and bright and new! Smriti’s mom clicked our pictures (and we made lunatic poses) and after we were done, she gave us fluffy towels to dry ourselves with, because we were dripping wet. After we all changed, we were welcomed by the sight of hot big samosas and steaming cups of coffee and a chocolate cake on the table! Ah, what could have been better?
As we sat there, wolfing down the samosas, cake and sipping coffee and chatting and laughing away to glory, I got this warm feeling in my belly. Some days turn out to be way better than you can expect. Who would have thought, when we were there, sitting in out classroom and listening to our Computer science teacher babbling god-knows-what, that after some time we would be having the time of our lives in the rain?


As always the whole bright, beautiful atmosphere made me hum a very suitable song. It is called ‘Drops of Earth’ by a very talented band, which is not known to many people, ‘Advaita’:


”In this rain as it falls
Back to life come days long gone
When we raced for some cover
Drenched in drops of earth all over

Clouds admired then drops we chased
Felt the mist in that rain
Run and hide and splashed all over
Made a friend once again

In that rain..”

I completely fell in love with today. I was looking forward to such a thing, you know. I mean, getting wet alone is another thing and having a rain dance party with friends is totally another! Don’t you think it such an ammmazing aspect of nature? I mean its water! And it just… falls! On everything! Wow! (Do I sound insane? :P ) It is like a gigantic shower somewhere in the sky!
Sometimes life gives you moments that you can look back on and cherish even after years and years and years. Today has been one such day! Cheers to the rains! :D

A Musical Extravaganza!

Today has been one of those awesome fun-filled college days. Social Science students were bubbling with excitement because today we had our Western Solo and Group Singing Competition. It wasn’t just a Co-curricular competition. Based on today’s performance, students were going to get selected to perform at the Convocation AND would get a chance to go out of station to take part in the Youth Fest! Everybody was busy practicing and singing and yodeling in classes and the corridors. Well, as always we hadn’t practiced our song beforehand. In fact, we hadn’t even decided which song we were going to sing. So, the best part was, that we bunked two classes and went to a friend’s (Smriti) place to practice. We decided to sing “Sway” by The Pussycat Dolls. Out came her majestic synthesizer and we started singing. It was so much fun, singing, practicing, harmonizing, our voices blending together and forming this beautiful symphony. We would also start singing other songs just because we were enjoying singing them so much! Well, at first I decided I won’t take part in the solo contest. But then I was like, what the hell, let’s give it a shot. So I practiced a bit of “Way Back Into Love” from the movie ‘Music and Lyrics’.
We went to college, late for our next class. :P
When the competition started, we were one of the first groups to perform, and surprisingly, we sang much better than we had expected to sing! It was a great feeling, to stand there, singing, accompanied by the soft acoustic guitar being played by one of my friends (Samrath) tapping your feet, snapping your fingers along with the beat.
When the solo part commenced, I started getting all jittery. I knew most of the singers there were brilliant and I knew I didn’t stand a chance against them. As I saw the students, going on to the stage one by one and performing, I was startled and also happy to know that we’ve got such talent in our college. I mean some of them sang just amazingly well man. I completely enjoyed it, sitting there, listening to their songs, feeling them, singing along and then clapping and cheering. But as my turn approached, I was all nerves. I almost chickened out, but my friends asked me not to do so and go and give it my best try.
Then I realized, to think of winning the competition or getting selected for the fest was a long-shot. No, I did not want to take part in it for anybody; I had to do it for myself. I had to get rid of my stage-fright. I knew I had to go there and sing as well as I could. And that’s what I did. I didn’t even look at the audience (because that makes me nervous). I just looked straight ahead and after singing a line or two, I got this comfortable feeling. I didn’t do a bad job, really. And the best part was that I didn’t goof up and it helped me shed some of my inhibitions to some extent. It felt good when my friends told me I sang well. :=)
The results will be announced tomorrow. I don’t even care who wins. I’m happy that I did not back out. I would have seriously regretted it. After everything got over we went outside and the weather was amazing. It was cloudy, windy, chilly and it was drizzling. We are to give an Official Freshers party to our juniors on the 21st and we started to think of more songs that we could sing that day. It was so much fun, standing there, singing songs on the top of our lungs, and talking and laughing. The whole atmosphere had this musical ring to it which just rejuvenated my soul. And even on our way back home, on my Scooty, we kept singing songs without a care in the world.
Truly, what would life be without music? Without all these wonderful songs and musical instruments and tunes and lyrics and surs? This thought immediately reminded me of a song by Abba: Thank You For The Music.
It goes like this:

“Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty?
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.”

I completely love music. <3 Music is life. Music transports you into another world. Music stays with you forever. Music enriches your spirit. Music makes you happy. There are SO many amazing singers and players in the world. There is so much more music to be explored and heard and appreciated and enjoyed. I came across this quote once somewhere: “Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime is not enough for music.”
I honestly have this unexplainable admiration and respect for people who can sing well.. They make the world a brighter place to live in! Kudos to all the great singers and musicians worldwide! :D

Transformation.

Last night as I sat on my bed, my earphones plugged in, feeling the loud music fill my ears, my brain, my body and overpowering my senses, I realized something. I have grown up. Okay, I know a lot of people who know me well are going to roll their eyes reading this, but it’s true. Growing up doesn’t mean you suddenly become demure and sophisticated; it means a radical change in the way you think and feel. I’m nineteen going on twenty (even the thought of entering the 20s scares me!). To most people, I seem to be this happy-go-lucky, crazy and quirky teenager. The kind who keeps hoppity hopping about, who can enter into sudden paroxysms of laughter and who has the ability to yammer nonstop. My close friends also know, however, that I can enter into dangerous mood swings and it’s better for them to stay away from me at such times! I’ve almost always been like this.
But somehow, somewhere, some part of me (although it’s not relatively a very big part) did grow up.
I think, I have started analyzing things more logically now. Earlier I used to be too impulsive. I wouldn’t follow my instincts. I’m almost out of my dreamy, adolescent cloak and I’m closer to reality. I’ve met various types of people and I have accepted the fact that they can be selfish, rude, blatant or plain disgusting. I’m aware of the fact that life can be a bitch. And worse is yet to come.
I make decisions more rationally now, and I’m in the process of getting my priorities straight. I know who my friends are and who are the people who just put up a friendly facade.
At the same time, I also know that if you really look beyond all these things, life is beautiful! :) Going to college, submissions at the very last minute of the very last day, bunking classes religiously, going crazy with friends, spending time with family, humming songs in the rain.. there are so many amazing aspects of life which makes life worth living!
I recently read my diaries. Stuff that I had written when I was 13.. 15.. 17.. I was this subdued, self-conscious, insecure girl. I used to crib and worry about piddling issues. I used to get crushes on guys who make me throw up today! I was.. dumb, truth be told. And I’m glad I’m not that girl anymore.
I also observed the gradual change in my choice of music. I started with ‘Backstreet Boys’, ‘Westlife’, ‘Britney Spears’, then moved on to ‘Sting’, ‘Linkin Park’, ‘Creed’ and then ‘Porcupine Tree’ (MARRY ME Steven Wilson!!) , ‘Radiohead’ and ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’.
It’s amazing how drastic the shift has been! It’s said that your choice of music tells a lot about you. If that’s true, then this just proves how much I’ve evolved over the years.
There is a LOT of scope for improvement though. I’ve made a few resolutions and I hope I stick to them. The top two are: 1. Gain weight 2. Improve your sleeping pattern (It’s after twelve and I’m wide awake and from the looks of it, I can’t see that happening today.)
I have a mountain of projects and seminars to work on, but the more I have to work, the less I do it. Oh yeah! Resolution no. 3. Stop being such a lazy ass and make sincere efforts to complete all your work on time. Sigh, as author Elbert Hubbard says, ‘Life is just one damned thing after another.”
Till then guys,
Peace out!