Darkness to Light

(Radiohead's logo behind a drawing made by its lead singer- Thom Yorke)

And it happened again last night. It is enormously maddening when insomnia strikes during exams. Some of you might think that’s strange, because for most people, the mere sight of text books lulls them to sleep. But no sirrreee, that’s not for me. After I’m done with whatever I plan to do for the day, I shift all my books and notes and everything to the other side of the bed, switch the lights off and stretch out in the hopes of catching a good night’s sleep and then getting up and revising everything the next morning. Hah! In my dreams (that’s a paradox!) I let my mind wander off in the beginning. It’s okay to gather up your thoughts at the end of the day and reflect on whatever happened or reminisce about the good ol’ times.

But, as luck has it, even though my body is unmovable with exhaustion and every pore is screaming at my brain and telling it to release those stupid sleep chemicals and put me to sleep, it just won’t happen. And the weirdest part is, I think of the most bizarre things imaginable. I think of what was, what is and what could have been. About what’s going to happen and about those damn ‘what-ifs’. Why do we do that? Why do we even need to think about the future at all? Or the past? Why is it so difficult to live in the present? Why do we have all these expectations and apprehensions when we know it’s only going to hurt when they come crashing down? Similarly, mulling over and regretting my past is another thing I have got to stop doing. I keep juggling with my past, present and future, worrying over nothing.

Sometimes I think so much I feel like someone is chewing my brain up. I just lie there, like a crumpled heap of dirty clothes, lost in my cornucopia of thoughts and speculations. Last night, for some reason I was thinking about the time when we had gone to Manali and how I had stood under the sky and felt the snow falling on my face. I could actually see it. When you look up at those tiny wisps of snowflakes falling, you feel like you are rising up; instead of them coming down. Pretty cool, huh? It’s almost hypnotic. I was thinking of how cute it would be if I were a little Labrador puppy. I would find myself so cute I would probably eat myself up. (I’m not joking) Also, (and it’s going to sound like I’m a freak) sometimes I hear lots of people talking together in my head. I can’t make out, but it feels like I’m in a crowded, noisy room.

I try to listen to music usually, but yesterday even that didn’t help. Listening to Radiohead makes me extremely emotional, nostalgic and dreamy. Actually, that might be one reason why I don’t fall asleep easily. The songs are hauntingly beautiful. It’s like every time I listen to it, I realize how addicted I am to them and how much I love them. Anyway, helpless and disoriented, I just lay there, paying attention to every sound, every instrument, every word and soon enough, it was almost morning. I saw the soft rays of sunshine entering through my windows through the curtains. A new day brings with it fresh thoughts and positivity; but ironically, I was thinking about not-so-sunshiny things. Recently, I saw Black Swan and I loved it, for obvious reasons. Darren Aronofsky has played with my mind earlier too with Requiem for a Dream and he did it again. I was trying to figure out how much of a Black swan I am. Is the White swan in me more dominant than the Black one?

Then I realized that it’s extremely difficult to assess yourself honestly. You’re always trying to defend yourself. You can point out a hundred mistakes in another person, but for you, you’re your favourite. I figured out a few things about me might put me in the Black swan category. I am selfish. There, I said it. Not always, but most of the times. Many times when doing something for someone, I’ve found myself asking, “Wait a minute, why am I doing this again?” Also, I can be extremely impatient and crabby with people who I have a low tolerance level for. Out of the blue, I go into these phases where I stop talking to people completely, then spring back into the old form and expect them to talk to me as if nothing happened. I expect a lot from people, and end up getting hurt if my expectations aren’t met. I don’t spend a lot of time with my family members; especially my grandparents. It bothers me, but I just do not put in the efforts.
When I’m going through my mood swings, I want people to get me and understand me and support me, but rarely do I ever do the same for them. I’m lazy. Lazy to the point of being insensitive.

I guess it’s enough for a day. I know I need to change a few things about me. Nay, many things about me. I’ve got to start pushing, making efforts, doing things worthwhile. I have constructed this little separate world of my own. In my room, on one specific corner of the bed, where it’s me, my netbook, my phone and my music. I couldn’t care less about what’s happening in the rest of the world. I’ve got to start caring, and break out of this shell.

You know it’s not entirely a good thing to be a spotless, sparkling white swan. You need to have a few flaws, a few shortcomings that make you human. But then, I’d like to be more on the white swan side just to be safe :)






P.S. And NOW I'm feeling sleepy. Great :|