Dilli diaries: Part III

This is the first time in five months that I’m sitting on my own bed, I’m sleeping in my fluffy blanket, and the first thing I see when I get up is my purple wall. I’M HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME! Coming home after staying at another place is quite indescribable, and only the person who actually experiences it knows what it feels like. When I sit in my room now, it’s like I had never left home at all! Like the five months in college never happened! And yet at the same time, it feels so different.

I still remember how I felt a few days before I left home, the apprehension, the excitement, the hollow pit in my stomach. Now I feel like I’m not the same person anymore. So much has changed since the last time I was here. So much. And yet, all these little reminders in my room tell me that I’m still the same person, and perhaps will always be. Talking to mummy is still refreshing, making tea in the kitchen feels so warm and homely, uninterrupted internet connection is bliss, waking up to the reassuring hum of the washing machine and going through all my old books and diaries. Sigh, it’s brilliant to be home. I needed this.

Delhi was absolutely wonderful to me. And because Diwali is around the corner, it was gorgeous and exciting. I turned 22. Yes, it hurts to say that. I had JUST turned 21, and I wasn’t even over the shock when BAM! I turned another year older :/ I just wish I could stay 22 for another five years, and then move on. Time just whizzes by, it’s crazy!  Anyway, you always have people around you who make you feel so special on your birthday that it all seems worth it. People who gift you amazing, thoughtful books, and people who write poems for you, and people who get you toffee eclairs cake, and people who take you out on a drive on the highway and you can just sit on the window of the car and scream like a banshee against the wind. Also, people who make you have something so amazing as a Banoffee pie. Mmm!

I miss Delhi now. I miss travelling in the metro, counting the stations, standing till my legs felt like they would fall out. And I miss the brilliantly lit up Select City Walk with its fountains, and music and having warm chocolate donuts sitting in the chilly winter breeze. I miss working for the NGO, Vidya, and the little kids with the big sparkling eyes and the innocent grins. I miss walking on the roads, in the malls, I miss how there were always so many places to go to, and so many things to do. I miss the vibrant, shining, shimmering city. I really wish I get to visit it again soon.

For now, I think I’ll get back in my fluffy blanket again.

“If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Let’s waste time,

Chasing cars, in our heads.”

Dilli Diaries: Part II

"Ambar pe milte hain kadmon ke nishaan, tere hi har shaam,
Khidki pe likhe koi os ki boondon se, tera naam."

I cannot explain why this song makes me feel the way I feel when I listen to it. It brings back a lot of memories, and stirs emotions which I am always trying to hide.

It's the magic of music, I guess.

My blood test results are out, and turns out, I only had the sniffles, and not dengue. So I won't die. Yay? Yay.

Delhi is beautifully silent tonight. I'm so going to sleep. 

Dilli Diaries: Part I

There is something about Delhi.

There’s something about the premature winter winds of November, something about the bustling crowd at the metro stations, about the pretty young faces sitting at the Hauz Khas fort, about the restless, busy people walking on the roads, and the young groups of friends outside the malls.

There’s something about travelling in the metro, looking at the faces standing around you, wondering about their lives, and watching the city go by.

There’s something about cutting a birthday cake on a bench in Deer Park. There’s something about listening to Ambar by Raghu Dixit at Delhi Haat amidst illuminated trees.

There’s something about gorging on the typical north Indian chaat from a roadside food vendor when you are incredibly hungry.

There’s something about purposefully not wearing anything warm and then catching a cold and sitting in bed cutely sniffling away and whatsapping.

There’s something about living with a typical family who fusses over you and takes care of you and feeds you twice as much of ghar ka khaana than you are generally used to eating.

There’s something about watching a Shahrukh Khan movie on his birthday till 5 in the night, making fun of everything about it, and then getting up at 3 in the afternoon the next day.

I’ve spent only four days here, but I already feel so connected to the city. The sprawling, massive, frightening, liberating city. I can’t get enough of it. 6 more days here :)

Also, my birthday week has begun! I’m going to collect all my Delhi memories and keep them in a little bag when I go back home. Delhi, you can be so harsh and mean, but oh I love you :')

We should meet again, you and I

Down the road, somewhere in another world

In a white wonderland, on a marble bench

Sliding dew drops on a glass window pane

In a parallel universe, on a cliff overlooking a valley

On a park swing, hearts fluttering in the chill of a foggy night

In a galaxy far, far away on an apartment terrace underneath the stars

We should meet again, you and I

There can always be another goodbye

Another world. Another dimension.

The smell of cheese hanging in the air

The whiff of nostalgia and the whispers so crisp

The taste and the sweet melancholia

Salty lips and sleepy eyes

Dreams and smiles and melodic verses

We should meet again, you and I

You can keep asking yourself and never know why

Console yourself

Negotiate with your heart

Shush your soul

The answers are scattered

Flown away with the wind

Hiding in the sea shells, and in the clouds, and between your fingers

In the autumn winds, in the hill tops, and in the cold rain drops

We should meet again, you and I

We should meet in the sky; we should float in the air

We should talk of endless love, and our lives and the universe,

We should meet again, you and I

Nevermind

It really sucks to know that you were always that warm, smiling girl who everyone was nice to. But not the girl who someone would grab and give a bear hug.
It sucks even more to know that a single unfortunate moment when you said something about a certain someone would change the course of things in such a colossal way.
Yes, I was always the girl who made everyone laugh, someone who everyone would like to listen to, but never the one who they would call at 3 in the night because they were lonely.
I was always at the centre, and yet I was the one who stood at the sides.
It sucks to know how all you ever really need is a shoulder. And yet sometimes, somehow it is not enough.

Is it really so impossible what I'm asking for? Is it really much?

In hindsight, is it even worth it?

I have no idea what title to give to this post :D

Yes, I know I’m obsessed with the rain and I write about it wayyyy too much. And it’s another one of my I-just-WANT-to-write-a-blog-post-so-I-will moods. But please, I HAVE to talk about it again. Pwetty pwease! It was just too epic. Okay one of the overly used terms here. Epic! Amongst others. But I digress.

So, six of us were sitting at one of my favourite parts in my college campus. It is a projection which overlooks the valleys and the hills in the distance. It makes me feel really light and springy, and it’s ironically called ‘The suicide point’. Well, because one slip, and you might just fall. But even then, the maximum damage that you can do is break your bones, or worse, your phone. Anyhoo, the sky was considerably clear and the air was pretty calm. And then, they emerged.

Ze clouds. They approached from one side of the sky like huge, sinister dementors, gliding ominously in the sky. They looked like brobdingnagian monsters, and gigantic dragons covering the sky as we screamed “Oh my GOD this is SO epic duuuuude!” And then. It got better. There was a storm; there was the most terrifyingly loud thunder and the most powerful lightning I have ever seen. One half of the sky was completely dark and curtained by the black clouds, while one side was still bright. It was like nothing I’ve ever witnessed. It looked like aliens were taking over the sky, (Independence Day style) or better, it seemed like it was going to be the end of the world. It gave me chills. It felt unreal. I couldn’t believe anything like that was even possible.

The next instant, I felt a thick drop on me. IT.HAD.STARTED.TO.RAIN. That moment I knew I was not going to run under shelter. As my friends ran to stand under the shade, I just stood up and looked at the view. It was like the rain was saying, “Fine, get out of my way, but let me happen.” Another friend and I, stood there, arms outstretched, soaking the water in, feeling the drops on our faces, and for the first time in days, I felt utterly, and blissfully happy. (Zomg I’m happy just thinking about how happy I was)

The teeth clattering, the sneezes, the shivers, the unmanageable hair, were all worth it. The lightning and thunder continued, and after I was all dried up after a hot water shower, I just sat in the balcony and listed to it. After dinner it rained again, like cats and dogs and dinosaurs and almost flooded the area outside the Coffee shop. We sat there, felt the spray on our faces and had hot chocolate. I felt so relaxed, so, so, so EPIC :D

Sometimes you know what I feel? I feel that I don’t mind going into mind-numbingly, suicidal phases of mind, if the opposite of it means this carefree abandon, and joy. And this reminds me of Calviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

Okay you know what? I have a three hour long 80 mark Photography exam tomorrow. Gulp, yes, I know. But I’m too happy to study :D It seems so trivial :P

I'm just so ecstatic right now and I have no idea why :D

I love long walks, and long talks, and discussions over hot cups of tea, and chocolates and random texts and everything everything EVERYTHING. I love the things I don't love because they make me realize how much I love the things I love. I need to bite someone.

Oh my god I need to get myself tested :D

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :D

A thousand little stories

I stood in my corridor in the dead of the night and looked at all the rooms around me. I walked in the corridors, and smiled at the little posters, drawings, messages, or names hanging on the doors. A door suddenly opened, and I peeped inside. Framed photographs, post-its, lights, books, mess, laughter. I knew the girl. She smiled at me. She had a mug of coffee in her hand.

I smiled back. There is a story behind every door. Suddenly I was filled with a sudden happiness. So many of us. SO many of us. Studying together. Living together! You enter any room and there is just so much happening behind it. You cannot even begin to fathom it. Tiny little worlds inside a big one. And all of us live in our bubbles, our own lives, friends, problems, memories, experiences. Sometimes the bubbles collide momentarily, and then off we go our separate ways. Sometimes the bubbles collapse and merge into one big bubble, and we float in it together.

Also, another observation. When I came here, I used to have these sudden imaginations where I would mistake people for my own friends back home. It happened very, very frequently and it was almost freaky. I used to tell so many people they remind me of so many other people I knew. Fast forward to yesterday, when I saw a group photo of my old college friends on Facebook, and I mistook three of them to look very much like my friends here! What’s more, one of the teachers looked like my current professor! It’s nothing big, but it’s just funny how we get accustomed to faces. And then we find those faces in other faces.

Also, you should listen to The Shins’ latest album: Port of Morrow, if you are into their kind of music. But pliss to give it a try. I just had Top Ramen noodles, and I had a very weird day. Don’t know what to make of it. Well, except for tea time, where I sang Linkin Park songs and looked at the sun dipping behind the clouds till the moon rose on the other side of the sky. The song ‘Aashiyaan’ (Barfi) is making me super super emotional right now and I am resisting a fierce urge to cry.

"Dabe dabe paaon se, aaye haule haule zindagi.
Hothon pe kundi chadha ke hum, taale laga ke chal
Gumsum taraane chupke chupke gaayein.

Aadhi aadhi baant lein, aaja dil ki yeh zameen,
Thoda sa tera sa hoga, mera bhi hoga, apna ye aashiyaan."

The crickets are extra loud today. And the silence brings the pre-exam feeling in dangerous amounts. And I miss the curled up figure of my roomie inside her red blanket and her gazillion jerky loo breaks which occur throughout the night, every night. And there is a big ugly insect inside my room and I’m not going to do anything about it.

If I’m making no sense, it’s the CH30CH3. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.

Hope.

Yep, let’s do that.

Black holes and revelations

Even though it’s nice to come back to a roommate who yells a loud ‘Hi!’ even before you’re inside the room, and one who threatens to throw you out of the room if you don’t get some fresh air when you’re down, it does feel good to have the room all to yourself for a week. You can wear whatever you want to (if at all), you can fling your mess around the room for a change, you can listen to whatever you want to and at whatever volume, you can cry, and you can trash someone on the phone. You get the picture. It just feels very, liberating, ‘sall I’m saying, even though it gets lonely after a point.

I just finished a Photography assignment. Clicked a few macro shots. Flowers, bees, butterflies, stones, whatever I could find. I love butterflies, they’re beautiful. And they do not fly away when you go close to them. Also explored my voyeuristic side as I snapped pictures of them making babies. Dragonflies, on the other hand, are tricky little paranoid creatures. But I love how their wings glisten and sparkle in the sunlight. It’s brilliant. Sharing some of the pictures here :)

(Butterfly, fluttered by)

(Sunlight dipped petals)

(Glittering wings)

(Yellow)

(Spiraling down)

(Love is in the air, and on the wall)

(Ribbit)

Mark Knopfler’s voice is caressing my ears, and calming me down. His voice is like chocolate, which is also what I’m eating. I really like it when sunlight permeates through the pink drapes into the room. Today was our last day of classes. The official last day of Journalism and Audio Visual students together. Ten days before the final exams begin. We had night photography classes where we captured light trails, and where we sang songs and rejoiced the ending of the first phase of a wonderful journey at SIMC. The wind echoed with the soft acoustic strums of the guitar and our voices trailed far into oblivion. The first semester is already over. One and a half years later, I’ll be writing a similar blog post about the end of the course, and the end of my stint here at Lavale.

The last two months have been the most beautiful and the most unexpected and unusual months of my life. I didn’t even come to know when the rain gave way to the lush green plants, the trickling waterfalls, the rainbows, the colourful flowers, the slithering snakes and the peacocks. When the fog took over the sunlight, when the breeze got colder, when the moon became bigger, when the sunsets became even more heavenly, when the friends who I hardly talked to became my best friends, and when my feelings transformed. It is funny really, how sometimes you don’t have a control over how you feel. You try to cling on to what is right, quite like Jim Carrey trying to grab hold of the memories of Clementine washing away from his conscience in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And you fight, and you deny and you hurt yourself and despite it all, you feel yourself slipping and sliding down. As Leo Tolstoy said, “Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?”

You look at the sunset, you feel the breeze against your face, you walk on moonlit drenched roads, and watch the clouds glide past the silvery shiny orb, and your eyes water with ease, and you feel like you can laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes feelings can be so illogical; heck they are mostly always illogical, and no matter how much you try you can’t prevent yourself from crashing deep into the infinite abyss of treacherous emotions. Sigh.

Sometimes it feels like a dream, or like life is playing a silly joke with me. And sometimes, I don’t mind it. Not at all. It is really hell inside my head sometimes. Do I like to sabotage my own happiness? Do I revel in being miserable? To add a dramatic tragedy in everything I do? I wish the wind would carry my feelings away, far far away into the valley, or the rain would wash away my confusion. I don’t like it. Not even one bit. And sometimes I do, and I want to be entrenched into this sweet sticky painful sickening feeling. 

I’m listening to Dream of a Drowned Submariner and thinking of a close friend who very conveniently is chilling at home and happily rubbing it in. The Heartbreaker misses you.

“From down in the vault, down in the grave

Reaching up to the light on the waves,

She did run to him over the grass,

She fell in his arms and he caught her

So went the dream of the drowned submariner

Far away on the water,

Far away on the water.”

Yesterday

I miss a time long, long ago, and yet it feels like it was yesterday. I miss a world far, far away, and yet it seems like it’s right in front of me. Or is it? It is, right? Isn’t it?

I miss the negotiation of thoughts, I miss the careless flow of seemingly unimportant observations, I miss the natural flow of the unending chuckles, I miss the infinite pings and spurts.  I miss the flurry of emotions at a phone call, and peals of laughter after reading a text. I miss the sleepless nights and the restless days. I do not like the emotion running through me right now. I dislike the laughter in the hostel corridors; I hate the music wafting from the other room. I hate it when my eyes sting. I hate the gnawing gorge forming in my chest, and the hurtful stab in my gut. My days are breathless, a blurry array of countless activities. But the nights are hollow, throbbing with angst.

When you think you have nothing, it decides to give you everything. And when you finally realize you can have absolutely everything, it decides to take it all away from you. It takes some, it gives some. It gives all, and then takes it all away.

Well played, life. Well played. 

Now

Every face is beautiful. You just have to look close enough.

I sat in a group of 15 odd people in college during a meeting today, and looked at every face slowly. No face can ever, ever be ugly. There are the little things about them.  Stubby noses, long noses; curly hair, straight hair; big eyes, small eyes; pimples, smooth skin. The beauty lies more in the kind of expression they wear on their faces. I have been feeling continuous pangs of affection for all my friends. Such beautiful, beautiful people some of them are.

Sometimes I feel so fortunate it feels like a dream. It rained a lot today, and when I got out of my room to go to the mess and have dinner, a huge grin spread over my face. Yes. It was the same powerful gush of wind that blew my hair off my face, the familiar smell of roses, the puddles of water, tiny little chocolate frogs jumping all around me, green leaves, greener than the ones you’d have ever seen, and the familiar, smiling, welcoming faces of some of my closest friends. I literally walked through clouds today. They engulfed me as I walked towards the mess. As I held my umbrella tight. As I smiled at the laughter around me. As I looked at the moon shining down on me. Sometimes it becomes too overwhelming. Too breathtaking. And then you cannot help but just swallow that bubble rising from your chest and up your throat. That painful, lovely feeling you get when you look around you, and you grin like a hopeless baboon. You can’t help but fall in love.

If I could stop time, and expand it, limitlessly, I would. I simply cannot get over the sheer exquisiteness of this place. Life, you astound me.