In the city of dreams. And some nightmares.

Today I knew I just had to gather everything inside me and just write.I  turned twenty three on November 9. Almost a woman now(?) Had a nice dinner with friends. I don't really get excited about my birthday anymore. I feel nothing really. A tinge of shock and disappointment, at how I can't help getting older.

I've been listening to ‘Death is the road to awe’, the OST of The Fountain. It transports me into another realm of the universe. I just finished reading The Lowland, the latest book by Jhumpa Lahiri. What a beauty. The ending killed me. Reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami now. Enjoying it immensely.  

In other news, I’ve managed to cross off one of the things on my wish list. We all went to Goa after the exams! It was exactly what I needed. We loitered around the beaches, played with the sea waves, zipped zapped zoomed all over Goa on our hired scooters and drank and ate and danced and did everything possible in three days. What a holiday! We used to come back at 4 or 5 in the morning, crash on the beds like there’s no tomorrow, get up late, have a lazy, delicious breakfast and then just rush to the beaches. I love the sound of the beach. It’s one of the most joyful sounds in the world.

It has been two weeks since I came to Bombay and started my internship at The Indian Express. Honestly, I don’t even know how to describe the entire experience. I live in a 3BHK with 3 of my other friends and a couple of strangers (who are now kind of friends as well). I travel by the local trains every day, Andheri to Churchgate, which were so alien to me fifteen days back. Now I don’t even have to bat an eyelid before hopping on a train. I see the red stripes and the ‘ladies’ symbol and BAM! I’m on it in no time. It has become so routine, so normal, so …necessary. I sit at the window seat, plug in my earphones and tune myself out till I reach my destination. The office was overwhelming the first day. It is located at Nariman point, one of the most commercial and developed places in Bombay. The building overlooks the sea, and Marine drive is right outside. That place excites me, thrills me. Every time I have to go to CST or cross those iconic landmarks or look at the skyline, I can’t help smiling. This is one of the best cities in the country! I am in Bombay! I’m working here! I’m living here! It is really happening!

Talking about work. So they have put me in the Crime beat as of now. When I was told that, my mind went like, “Oh my god, I’m done for. How will I ever do this?” But my superiors/mentors/colleagues are so helpful and encouraging. I feel like laughing when I compare them to my previous internship superiors. They are patient with me, they tell me where to go and how to go and what to do. I call them for the silliest reasons and they guide me through it. In the past two weeks I’ve done 2 suicide stories, 2 accident stories, a murder story, a couple of press conferences, and several small 100-word reports. And it has been a ride. To think that I had never gone inside a police station before in my life, and now I visit senior inspectors and police officers almost every second day. I was petrified at first. Lost. Blank. Ignorant. But slowly, I started getting the hang of it. I would give myself a pep talk. “I’m a journalist! It is my right to ask for information, and they owe it to me. These are public records and they are bound to tell me what people need to know. Just go and talk to them. They can’t throw you out.”

Some days, however, they almost do throw you out. Not literally, but they may snap at you, ignore you or pretend they are not who you think they are. They have more important things to do, cases to solve instead of talking to some newbie reporter. And I understand that, which is exactly what makes this job so challenging. I have had police officers who have made me wait for hours only to tell me they have to go somewhere urgently. It is mind numbingly demotivating. But you've got to get your story, by hook or by crook. It makes me question my own capabilities. Am I good enough for this? 

I admire the energy of this place. Not only my office, but the entire city. Everyone is busy, and everyone walks with a purpose. No one stares at you, no one tires to touch you. No one even has the time to look at you. Which is why it is liberating to work here. It is not odd to come home at 12 in the night. I know girls who come later than that. This place is for people who are really just trying to work and make a living.

The stories done by the other people in my office are sometimes so good I wonder how I will ever be able to reach that level, but I know I can if I push myself hard enough. I’ve seen good days, and bad ones. Some days were so frustrating I almost cried in the toilet. It is physically painful when you travel and walk in the heat for hours and you don’t get any information for your story. I have often wondered what I’m doing. If I want to do this. If I’m meant to do this. But I can figure that out for myself later. Right now I’m just glad at how much I’m getting to learn every single day. I’ve travelled in buses where there has been no place to move and where passengers are somehow dangling at the door, their entire body hanging outside precariously. I’ve travelled in loud, noisy, hot, crowded trains where I have stood for so long my legs have lost all feeling. I’ve gone from one place to another looking for the scene of crime, only to be met with ignorant faces and disappointment. I've eaten at small roadside shops alone. I’ve gone hungry. I come home by 10:30 at night. I change, have my dinner, read a few pages of my book and I’m out in minutes. But I know that at the end of my internship, even if I don’t report groundbreaking stories, this will all be worth it because it would make me tougher. Stronger. Build my character. Every time my report gets edited, I get better at writing it. I learn every day. Maybe this is all to compensate for all those jobless, useless, idle days I have spent sleeping and watching reruns.

I’m out in the industry. Even if temporarily. I need to learn how to swim against the current, lest it takes me away with it. I’m aware of my own inadequacies, and I have to work against them. Against my own fears and shortcomings. This is really the time to figure myself out. To make something happen. To do something that matters. This is my time.

The one about obscure joys and sorrows

I’m listening to the Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. The song that plays when Ross and Rachel are in the planetarium on their first date. (If you don’t know who they are we can’t be friends) Mushy mushy mushy. I love his voice. This song is so romantic. It makes me melt. I’m just a sucker for this kind of stuff. Sigh.

Possum and I have been gorging on Friends and unhealthy mid-night Balaji chips and cookie binges. I’ve realized we have memorized almost all the episodes now.  There is not one reference or a joke related to the show that we won’t get. It is amazing how they maintained the quality and the humour for ten seasons. Brilliant. There are some scenes I have to pause to laugh at. And I feel the same amount of sadness when they all keep down their keys of the apartment in the finale episode.

I’ve been reading The Alchemy of Desire by Tarun Tejpal. It’s quite intriguing. I stayed awake all night reading it. My head is full of the book right now. I like the way the convoluted emotions have been explained in the story. It seems like the narrator is unraveling them while he is writing all his revelations out. Since I was up all night, I went for an early breakfast. Ah, the mess was almost empty. Chattu and I sat outside the mess, sipped tea and looked at the misty view for quite some time. There were dew drops dangling on the green leaves and the small buildings looked like building blocks. I like it when all the assignments are done, and you can just sit back, deep breathe and relax. Ah, the campus is breathtaking then. If there is one thing I would crave once I leave this place is the silence. The sheer solitude and the peace. Now when I go to the city and I’m standing on a busy road I keep wondering where everyone is going. Why are there so many people? Why are they all in a rush? Where are they going? Why don’t they look happy? It puts me off. We have screwed up. We are way too many people. I’d rather prefer half the current population to just stop existing. It’s a transhumanist, almost evil thought, but seriously, either that or we have to bear the consequences of fornicating so much.

Do you sometimes enter phases where you’re sitting and you zone out of a conversation and start staring at nothing in particular? You’re not even thinking about anything. It’s like you just stop functioning for a second. Yes? Well, I have been reading The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and I found the exact term for that phenomenon. Ambedo: a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life, a mood whose only known cure is the vuvuzela.

That website is excellent. They have words for the exact emotions which everyone feels but no names have been invented yet. There is one which I particularly relate with. And indulge in. Gnasche: the intense desire to bite deeply into the forearm of someone you love. See? I’m not insane. This happens to other people. Or I don’t mind being insane. Who cares?

Some other terms I was vehemently nodding my head in agreement were:

 Sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Vellichor:  the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time—filled with thousands of old books you’ll never have time to read, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room the author abandoned years ago, a hidden annex littered with thoughts left just as they were on the day they were captured.

Anecdoche: a conversation in which everyone is talking but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.

Flashover: the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

Wonderful, right? So intricately and gorgeously expressed. Go ahead. Google them!

In other news, chances are I might end up in Bombay for my winter internship. Nothing is confirmed yet, but fingers crossed. I don’t know what is in store for me. The city intimidates me. It has this throbbing, pulsating, almost unnerving sort of a feel to it. It’s exciting, but you never know when it might just pounce on you. My feelings toward it are the kind you have for your physics teacher you kind of had a crush on. He scared you, even annoyed you, but you wanted to attend all his classes anyway.

The classes for the third semester are over. Every time I say this out loud to Possum or tell her how much time is left, she quivers her lips and then covers her ears up. How is it that time keeps slipping out of your hands and then makes you realize that there was so much that you had planned to do and just couldn’t do it due to some reason or the other? Here’s a quick list of the things I have to do before I leave:

1.       Go to Depression point again

2.       Go to a disc/pub with friends and stay out at night

3.       Walk all the way down the campus and climb one of the peaks and sit there

4.       Go on one more trip with friends with the epicness greater or equal to the epicness of the Kashid trip

5.       Stay awake all night and watch the sunrise with the others

6.       Go to a Karaoke pub and SING

7.       Buy the damn thermocol sheet and make a bulletin board lest Possum peals my skin off

These are the ones that come to mind as of now. Will add more later. Can you believe I will be 23 in another month? I always thought 23-year-olds are responsible, independent, strong, career-oriented, ready-for-marriage type of women. I wasn’t even over the shock of turning 22. I feel 16. Where is my life going?

Before I start hyperventilating, I will move to happier topics. I always had this mental image in my mind before I joined this college, that I will have a big group of girly friends who will be always there for me, and we would share everything. Well. That didn’t happen. Lots of things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to be. I got a lot of rude shocks and unpleasant realizations about a lot of things. And that is how life is. The things you really want might not happen, but sooner or later you realize you did manage to squeeze out some precious memories and you do end up making friends. Because there will always be people who you can call your closest buddies. And life is just a little less dreary then.

And now, as Norah Jones is crooning in my ears, I’ll stop writing because this post is turning into a rather long disjointed flurry of scattered thoughts. So long!

P.S. Possum broke something that belonged to me a while back and so she got me an earthen wall hanging which is a half a sun and half a moon. Night and day. Yin and Yang. I love her! :)

P.P.S. I have a new possible pen name. The Radical Slug. How does it sound? Will explain the story behind it later :)

'Cause I've got a peaceful, easy feeling :)

A few days back a friend visited the campus and he made me look at my campus in awe all over again, through the eyes of an outsider. I live in the kind of place where people pay thousands of rupees to go vacationing to. I have been dabbling into a lot of new music and I’m addicted to two new bands, Broken Bells and Imagine Dragons. They go really well with the overall atmosphere of this place. A couple of days back Possum and I went up on our terrace, in a desperate attempt to do something ‘spontaneous’ because we suddenly realized how little time is left before our time here gets over. Third semester flew by. Literally. 'Not like a an aeroplane, but like a rocket.' When I think about it, it seems like a flurry of assignments, workshops and guest lectures. And funny one liners and insane laughter sessions at night.

And oh, sleeping like this every day.

It rained gloriously today. With frighteningly loud thunder and purple lightning. It has been pouring since the past few days and it makes me enter this euphoric stupor where I suddenly fall in love with everything around me. It felt amazing to just sit back and observe the rain. The water gushed underneath our feet, down the sloping road as we made our way back to the hostel. We felt the spray of the water and we observed some juniors sailing some paper boats in the streams.

There was a stormy, torrential downpour at night again, and as I walked back towards the hostel under my umbrella I knew I had to get drenched. It was time. I ran back to the hostel, changed into my shorts and asked my crazy neighbor who I knew would be crazy enough to join me in my craziness and took her to the terrace. We stood there, giggling, scaring passersby on the road below and just sharing the beauty of the moment. I don’t know what it is about getting soaked to the bone. Maybe it’s the thrill, maybe it’s defying what you’re supposed to do. Maybe it’s the pleasure of letting go despite the risk of falling sick.

I went to Mumbai recently to shoot a documentary film we are working on. The reality shook me up a bit. The real world is not like my campus. It's not always rainbows and butterflies and sunsets and trees. It's sweat. It's hordes of people pushing you. It's homeless people. It's people who try to swindle you. It's hours of travelling that sucks all your energy out. It's dust. It's haggling with autowallas. It's not easy. And once I start working I will have to deal with this everyday of my life. I don't feel ready for this. And yet when I'm thrown out there, I feel like I'll live.

I cannot get over how much I have changed in the past one year. Earlier I saw, but never really observed. I heard, but never really listened. I felt, but never really thought. I feel like my senses have opened so much more to everything that happens. I enjoy silence more than loud noises now. I look for solitude instead of large crowds. I am...quieter. Well, relatively. I'm more cynical. I still romanticize mostly everything in life, but a lot of my unreasonable expectations have taken a backseat. I’m still a big bag of emotions, opening myself to those precious few, but deep underneath a lot of creases have smoothed over time. I feel like I needed to clear my head a bit. There is a little more clarity when it comes to setting my priorities straight. I still don’t know what exactly I want from life, but I don’t let it bother me as much. I’ll figure it out.

For now, I’m just happy to have a roommate with whom I can share anything with. I’m happy I came to terms with my past and I'm happy I did not lose the people I cared about. I still have that friend who will burn and send me CDs of my favourite TV shows. I am happy I have that one person to walk around with, the one who completely ‘indulges me’, the one who shakes trees to make water fall down on me and run away laughing like a child. I’m happy I have that one friend who has worse existential crises than me and complains how she doesn't want to do anything anymore. I'm happy I have that one friend who I can count on when I want to discuss anything with, the things that 'normal' people won't understand. And a mom who pings me on Whatsapp asking 'Mela baby homesick hai?' And a dad who is okay with me wanting to go backpacking to another country because he is okay with everything. And a sister who constantly asks me to intern in Singapore so that 'we can be crazy with each other.' I'm happy for all these people in my life, because each one has a different purpose, and each one has a different place in my life, and I’m a completely different person with all of them. It's like they are my horcruxes. Life has never seemed so comfortable, and so full of exciting possibilities :)

P.S. I bought a camera! Sharing my photostream here! Do give me feedback on the pictures :)
Click here.

Same story, different place

We have all read the news today, and are all experiencing the same feelings yet again: shock, revulsion, fury and déjà vu. A 23-year-old woman was raped at Shakti Mills compound in Mumbai. No, she was not wearing a short dress. It was not late at night. She was not alone. She was an intern working for a lifestyle magazine and was out doing an assignment with a male companion. And every girl is asking the same tiring, grueling, exasperated question: what does a woman have to do to feel secure in this country?

As an aspiring journalist, I am exhausted of feeling that it could have been me. It could have been any of us. The incident has dashed all the supposed notions of Mumbai being a safe city to the ground. Every woman working in the capital feels scared today. Going out, no matter what time of the day is an extremely strenuous task because we always have to look back over our shoulders. We have to carry pepper sprays, or learn self-defence or always be body-guarded by male companions, and yet we can never feel fully safe.

In a recent CNN report RoseChasm, a student who shared her experience of studying in India, talks about how dangerous a place India is for women.  “There was no way to prepare for the eyes, the eyes that every day stared with such entitlement at my body, with no change of expression whether I met their gaze or not,” she writes. Women every day are letched at, groped, molested, masturbated at and raped. But probably the biggest problem is our own apathy.

Yes, we follow the drill. We read articles, we share them over Facebook, we express our disgust over Twitter, we even take part in protest marches. We shudder for our own safety, and at the most we write about it. Can we do anything more to bring about an actual change? And worse, will our collective efforts bring about a change at all? The answer is most likely a no, because even after rallies and protests and brutal acts of shame that recently took place in our country, yet another girl was raped in one of our purportedly safer cities.

Why can’t our leaders, our policemen, our thinkers, our decision makers take steps to curb this monster that is gnawing at our lives every day? Why can’t there be more police security on the roads instead of shadowing politicians? The most immediate action is laws so harsh that men dare not even stare at another girl on the streets again. It is sad that it takes inhuman incidents such as this one to shake us out of our reveries and make us think. And while all this is happening, people seem to be more concerned about the fact that Ben Affleck will play Batman in the next Man of Steel. Apathy one, humanity zero.

Our country has failed us yet again. Our men have failed us yet again. And while we hang our heads in shame, somewhere another gangrape is waiting to happen.

Possum :3

It is a typical rainy night in Lavale. The kind which depresses you, fuels your poetic side, or simply makes you want to curl up in bed with a book. But mostly it just makes you want to sleep. A lot. I have been listening to Amit Trivedi’s music, and it has a balming, dreamy effect which goes along perfectly with this weather. Sometimes I go to the city just because I get excited I will get to hear my music on the bus, and view the green hills and feel the wind and ponder about life.

I am writing after ages. It feels weird, now that so much time has passed, and so much has happened. My roommate, Possum, (as I would refer to her. Other names include: Thumbelina and Oompa Loompa) has gone to Mangalore to meet her grand mom and cousins. Not surprisingly, I am missing the small bump that her tiny body makes under her blanket, and the way her legs take up only half the bed. Shifting in with her is one of the best decisions I’ve made in this college so far. I thought I wanted someone sincere as a roommate so that I would be motivated to be like her. Or maybe someone serious and nerdy so that her ‘qualities’ would rub off on me. I was wrong. By the end of the second semester, I was ready to settle with absolutely anyone who would be willing to adjust to my random outbursts and idiosyncrasies, and that too I would have kept to a minimum. But I ended up living with someone just like me. Well, almost like me.

It’s awesome. Not only does she complement my insanity, she supplements it. When I make noises, she makes louder noises. When I make faces, she copies me with gusto. When I laugh at something, she laughs harder. She floods my Facebook wall with the silliest of posts. She has cookies running through her blood stream, and each time she opens an Oreo packet, she squeaks a loud and clear “Cookie?!” and when I say no, she looks at me incredulously as if she cannot believe a person can ever turn down a thing so divine. She’s not exactly the “Oh-share-your-woes-with-me-I’m-here-for-you” type, but she cares, in her own little retarded ways.

She gives me the most awkward pelvic hugs when I surprise her with a chicken shwarma roll from Casa Lolo. She starts jumping up and down like a mad woman when I play N Sync or Avril. She loves my South Indian version of “Baby Got back”. Our rendition of “Su kar mere mann ko” gets crazier and louder with each passing day. We laugh at each other and with each other every night, the reasons are not important (and should better remain untold). She cackles so loudly that she invites neighbours to knock on our doors asking what happened with genuine concern. Now they are quite used to it. She gives me death threats when I do something she hates, (God save you if she’s irritated) but then assaults me physically and later explains it was supposed to be a hug. She lets me put my earrings on her earring stand and lets me wear her tomatoes, while she wears my flowers. She gives me those asinine Cookie monster smiles when I offer to do something for her. 

She reads random quotes and jokes out to me and then says “duuuude”. The variation in the tone of our 'dude' is enough to understand the exact emotion. She never believes me when I tell her she’s smart, or pretty, which she is, and tells me that I fish for compliments. We finish each other’s sentences, and sometimes we read each other’s minds. I've hated her, and I've loved her. Considering everything I had gone through last year, she is the best roommate I could have ever hoped to have. Cheers to the Owl night longs possum :3

Our time is running out

The concept of time is a funny one. We have divided our lives into seconds, minutes, hours, days. We count our age as the years pass us by. We desperately wish to never grow older than 30. We make time tables, calenders and five-year plans. We celebrate anniversaries, birthdays and silver jubilees. Sometimes we feel time whooshing past us, and sometimes it crawls like a snail.

Do we know any other species that does this? Animals never look at the time, or wear watches or make schedules. They never feel scared that their time on the planet is getting over. They never have to be 'on time' or get reprimanded for delaying anything. They simply live. They take one day at a time. And it is this timelessness that makes their lives richer than ours. They do not fear old age. Or deadlines. Or death. And this is one of the many reasons which defies the human belief that we are the most superior of all species. 

Zinda hoon yaar, kaafi hai

I watched Lootera yesterday. I loved a Hindi movie to this extent after a long time. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting such good performances by Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh after the kind of movies they’ve done. But I had my hopes anchored at Vikramaditya Motwane, and I knew he won’t disappoint the audience after Udaan. I was right.

The entire movie is a visual masterpiece, with each shot planned and strung together beautifully to bring out the surreal, dreamlike feel to the movie, while not overdoing it. The cinematography is breathtaking and the performances powerfully played out. Even though there is minimal dialogue exchange, a lot of emotions have been evoked with silence and expressions. The music is sublime and beautiful, and stays with you long after you walk out of the hall. I can’t stop listening to the album. It’s healing and uplifting, to say the least. The lyrics are unbelievable. Amit Trivedi and Amitabh Bhattacharya have outdone themselves.

The movie promises to be an unforgettable one at the very first scene, where the father narrates a story to her beloved daughter. The simplicity of the scene was something anyone can fall in love with. Barun Chanda has played the father’s role with genuine intensity and compassion. Ranveer Singh’s dialogue delivery seems to be a bit too soft at times, but he plays his role as the hero, as well as the anti-hero convincingly. Sonakshi Sinha is the beautiful, protected and isolated daughter who discovers love and falls in it momentously and tragically. She is often hot tempered and irrational, which makes her all the more endearing. Her role as the desolate, failing writer who sits by her window looking at the snow falling outside and the slow falling of the leaves off the branches of a tree is brilliantly carried out.

The fact that the movie has its own flaws cannot be denied though. The relationship between the protagonists could have been explored a little more, the second half of the movie fails to establish the connect that the audience has with the first half. But the music, shots and the earnest performances overshadows the somewhat weak storyline. I’d really want you to ignore all the flaws, and enjoy the film for what it really is. Live it, feel it. Watch it, if only to watch the last scene. 

I'm coming back Lavale!

So another stint at home comes to an end. It’s funny how time just keeps on rolling and rolling like a ball of yarn going down a slope. No matter what happens, it just keeps on frickin’ rolling. My stay this time was all about spending quality time with my sister before she flies off to Singapore, watching Breaking Bad relentlessly all night, trying to edit videos and dealing with all sorts of technical stuff (I swear to god Premiere Pro is sucking the soul out of me. What’s with all these codecs and softwares and formats and pixels?! Urgh! ) and lots and lots of unhealthy food binges at night.

On an unrelated note, does anybody know how to get rid of tummy fat without going through those painful sit up exercises? I just gulped down two huge slices of cheese burst pizza WITH, mind you, WITH a big glass of coke. Why can’t the fat just spread out over my arms and legs instead of settling down in my stomach?

(The previous two lines were said with a lot of enunciation, gesticulations and tone changes. I wish I could say it out here.)

This is my last night at home where I don’t have to worry about the next day. And where I have uninterrupted internet access all night. Back at the hostel, mostly all fun sites get blocked at 2 AM, so you pretty much have to go and sleep. But I’m so looking forward to college. The monsoons are in full swing there, what with those erratic rain showers and the lush green valleys I so love. And the peacocks are dancing around and little chocolate frogs are going to muck about in the pools of water! Fun!

I’m also looking forward to meeting everyone after so long, listening to their internship experience, attending guest lectures again, complaining about the time table and the whole shebang. Home is nice, but it starts to get boring when you can’t complain about how busy you are and how you don’t have time for yourself anymore. Taking time out for yourself then, is the best time you can have.

Even though I worked quite a bit during my internship, most of the times I was pretty much in this state:

My supervisor wrote that I need to be more outgoing in my evaluation form. Me? Outgoing? How did that happen? I know the people at work were not the friendliest people in the world, but at one point of time I stopped trying. Completely. I need to break out of my shell. I really do!

I want to go back with an empty mind. I want to experiences things in a completely different way. I want to be a better person than I was last year. I want to learn and grow. I have a good feeling about going back. Yeah I just realized, I say that everytime, right? It’s like all my going-back-to-college posts sound the same. And once I’m there, all the positivity and enthusiasm jumps out the window in a matter of days. But no more! I’m seriously going to make the most of this year. I’ll take part in everything I can, be pro-active and build my portfolio. (Okay, one part of my brain is already shaking its head. Oh boo! There’s no space for negativity this time!)

Okay fine, without making any grandiose promises to myself, I’ll just do whatever I can in order to squeeze out every good thing this college can offer me. And I will do a night out. And I will play at least one sport. (Does dancing count? No? Okay aerobics?) And I will visit the awesome plateau place everyone keeps talking about. Most of all, I’ll be happy. I will, right? Yeah, I will. Will I? I will!

Goodbye till then!

P.S. My next post will be from up those spectacular hills. And I’ll be sitting next to my window which hopefully (fingers and toes and body crossed) will have the sensational view I want. And clouds will be floating in. And my new roommate will get me a cup of hot chocolate (too hopeful? Okay man I'll make it. I just want the hot chocolate in the picture. And maybe some Nutella) and we’ll share cookies together. And life will be goooooood :3

A random 'I'm-home' post

I’m home. I just realized why people love being home so much. They can be utterly carefree and comfortable. They are with people who know them inside out and love them anyway in a manner not possible with anyone else. Those people know little, insignificant things about each other’s lives and you can recall, and reconnect and laugh about it all.

Home feels perfect after my stay at Delhi. I can do what I want. Get up late, and have the entire day sprawled in front of me. I watched the season finale of The Office. I knew it was going to be awesome, but it was much more than that. I love the couple Jim and Pam, and at one point in my life I thought I had what they had. But I didn’t. Then at another point of time I thought I had it again. But I didn’t. And I’m in this confused turmoil where everything seems haywire. Which is why it is really good for me right now to be at home. I have switched my phone off and thrown it in some corner of the house. It was to prove a point to myself. I wanted to do the same with my laptop, but I obviously couldn’t do it. So I’ve disconnected myself from absolutely everyone apart from my family. I don’t want to think anymore. Can I just run away from all the people I know and I've known and loved and never have to deal with anything ever again? 

Even though getting rid of my phone seems to be working, I sometimes get curious to switch it on, but I tell myself otherwise. Must. NOT. Touch. Phone. I feel numb to all the negativity. I can’t feel anything. I'm too exhausted to feel anything. (Emotionally) And when it comes to me, that's rare. Yesterday I went to see Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani and I knew I wasn’t going to like it but I wanted to go out with everyone. And I laughed. A lot. Even though it was mostly because of the little kid sitting next to us who was jumping, clapping and laughing at every scene in the first half of the movie. Mom dropped almost all the popcorn in an entire tub, and the coffee hardly had any sugar, and ten minutes later the movie threw all palpable logic out of the window, but I seriously enjoyed myself. There’s a scene in the movie where Ranbir and Deepika are sightseeing in Udaipur, and they are sitting on top of this tall fort overlooking the city. And he’s telling her to hurry up otherwise they would miss some show. And she tells him, “No matter what you do in life, you’re missing out on something or the other. You can’t have everything. So why don’t you just enjoy the present?” And they sit there and watch the sunset.

I welled up at that scene because that made so much sense. Just cherish what you have. Right now. Don’t think about everything you could have been doing, because there is a LOT. Instead, try to make every situation worthwhile. I don't know why I keep forgetting that.

We also went for a nice family dinner to a good restaurant, and the food, the conversations, the drive back home, singing along with the songs, everything just makes me feel so much closer to my family. Papa, mumma, didoo and mangu. We don’t need anyone else. Mom is hilarious, and dad is really cute. Today when we all got dressed before going out, we started clicking pictures, and he started jumping like a little kid. It was so adorable. Didoo and I can entertain each other for hours on end. Mangu needs to be a little alive though. At home I feel like a complete kid again. Somewhere I can do anything in the world. Sing a Himesh Reshammiya song and shake my bum like a mad man. A place where you get each other's jokes and idiosyncrasies. A place where I can sit in the midst of my relatives and make them laugh their guts out.

In the last episode of The Office, Pam tells the viewers to always go for what will make you happy. She wants to tell all the girls out there to be strong, be confident enough to go for what they really want, and not for what they think they should do. And they should act fast because life isn’t really that long.

But what if you don’t even know what you want anymore?

Once my stint at home comes to an end, and I head back to college, I know I’m going to have to decide this.

Or maybe not. Maybe I just don’t want to do anything but enjoy my last year as a student. Be happy. Really happy. For now though, it’s 15 days without a care in the world.

Sharing a couple of super cute pictures!

(Doo, mom, moi)

(Mummy love)

Govindpuri Gali Number Do

I feel sort of terrified today. There's a little over a week left for my internship to get over, and for my stay here in Delhi to come to an end. How do I feel? It’s quite indescribable at the moment. But I’m sure it’ll still be indescribable by the end of it.

Govindpuri Gali number do. My temporary abode for 2 months.

It has been surprisingly smooth, and bewilderingly comfortable. Apart from the unforgiving heat which rose to such inhuman levels only in the past few days, my entire time here has been a phase which I’m going to keep with me for a long time to come. I never thought till even a couple of years back that I would have such a F.R.I.E.N.D.S-ish life. I’ve never experienced such freedom in the past 22 years of my life. Living with 5 of your friends, in a good locality close to your office has been one of the most exciting things I’ve done so far. I realized only today how much I’m going to miss this.

I can’t really put all of those small, incalculable and innumerable little moments that made our stay here so memorable, but I’m going to list out my favourite bits.

1. Ordering food from Takkar dhaba everyday till the owner could recognize our voices and know exactly where to deliver it. Experimenting with food. Using leftovers to invent new recipes. The thrill of cooking for each other. The satisfaction of a good, cheap meal. The lure of street food.

2. Taking a break from the office and stepping out to have the deservedly famous chhola kulcha from the nearby chhola kulcha wala bhaiya. And enjoying it. Every time.

3. Watching CID, Rajnikant, old timey brainless movies and trashing them to bits and laughing. Also, the enormous amount of Nat Geo and Discovery shows we “ohh-ed” and “wow-ed” at. Taboo, Frozen Planet, Body Bizarre, Man vs Wild. Watching food channels and then feeling bad that we can’t make what they make.

4. Buying stuff for the house from the grocery store. Liquid dish cleaner, broom, vegetables, fruits, spices. Surprising each other with a little pastry or a chocolate.

5. Getting up late at night, and scrounging in the kitchen like a rat to look for something to eat.

6. Going to the terrace to enjoy the cool breeze, and ending up rolling on the floor laughing at the outrageous artificial movies that we made each other enact. (Thandi laash mein garam chhuri, Rice mein electric pole, Latakte bridge pe bhatakti aatma)

7. Stepping out without any plan, and asking each other “where are we going?” in the metro. Then going to India gate, Dilli Haat, CP or Jama Masjid and walking about.

8. Going to parathe wali gali. Having a million parathas. Followed by the thickest lassi, jalebi and rabdi. Mmm!

9. Letting each other be. Everyone doing their own things. Reading, sleeping, watching a movie, or just lying listless for no reason.

10. Telling each other all the events of the day, enacting co-workers or narrating incidents. College gossip.

11. The day we all stayed in. Had litchis, and watched Hera Pheri and Hungama.

12. The evening tea. (“Anyone wants chui?”) The occasional Maggi. Sprinkled with grated cheese.

13. Scrambled eggs. Boiled eggs. Sunny side ups. Omelettes. Egg rolls.

14. MOMOS!

15. Aloo chaat.

16. Corn flakes.

17.  Chhole poori and boondi ka raita for 20 rupees.

18. The narrow, flies-ridden, congested galis of Govindpuri. The madness. The temporary bazaar every Wednesday. People riding bikes on the footpath, honking like there’s no tomorrow, ladies shopping, guys eating and spitting, dogs mucking about.

19. Smiling at each other after a day’s work. Deciding where to go to grab a bite. Or writing “Anyone home? Want samosas? Ice cream?” on the Whatsapp group.

20. Making fun of each other. Copying each other. Bini going “Aiyo, so saaad. Look at the poor thing,” at every animal on TV. Avaneesh saying to Bear Grylls, “Eat something!” or “You dumb fuck” to a random person talking about the divinity of god. Arnab saying “Good shit.” Nayan going, “Oh you know what will happen after this?” in EVERY movie.

21. The randomness. The spontaneity. Watching funny videos on Youtube, or wearing watermelon skin as a helmet. Breaking into a sudden dance step, or singing a dumb song on the top of our lungs.

22. Going to Sarojini Nagar market and buying cheap clothes. The National Museum. Daryaganj book bazaar. India Habitat Center. Chocolate almond ice cream at Giani's. Hauz Khas village. Deer Park. Bohome. Zaitoon. Yeti.

23. GK 2 M Block market. Our office. The idle hours at work. Lunch for 35 rupees on the road side.

24. Reading a book pretending to do some extensive research in office. Covering events. The feeling of seeing your byline in the magazine.

25. Haggling with the auto walla everyday “Bhaiya 50 nahin, hum roz chalees mein jaate hain!”

26. Knowing you never have to come back to an empty house and someone will always be there to listen to how bad your day was.

27. Walking around Chandni Chowk and marveling at how it has a church, a temple, a dargah and a mosque all at the same place.

28. The selfish contentment of knowing you are never alone. You’re cared for. And loved. And pampered.

29.  Going to Central Park under the impression there’s going to be a Euphoria performance. Watching Uma Lala’s concert instead. And getting our asses wet.

30.  Getting caught in a sandstorm outside India gate. Sitting on the grass, talking and singing for hours.

31. Having the luxury and the time to read. Coming home early from work and having the entire evening stretched out lazily before you. Watching the flickering lights of the airplanes flying across the sky every 2 minutes on the terrace.

32. Reading out to each other. Devising plans to kill certain people. Or how to get rich quick. Endless discussions on the terrace about existence. Or science fiction.

33. Discussing new Game of Thrones episodes.

34.  Go Goa Gone. Acting like zombies.

35. Shouting.

36. Having the inevitable veg vs non veg or north vs south or Bangalore vs Kolkata debate before every meal.

37. Talking. Actually, talking about things. Sitting out in the balcony and having tea and chips. Hugging each other randomly, jumping around, putting new magazines in the magazine stand, drunk dialing, trying out new yoga poses, chocolate sandwiches, peanut butter muffin, Subway cookie, paratha pizza, Arnab Goswami screaming at News Hour, putting ice cubes down each other’s backs and making ghost noises during powercuts.

And the other countless, priceless memories I can’t think of right now but will come flying back to me on a balmy summer evening sometime in the future. After all, life is nothing but a series of memories, right?

It’s funny how you think 2 months is a long time, and then it just comes to an end in a jiffy. 

Govindpuri gali number do, I’ll never forget you.