Futility

This completely resonates with how I've been feeling lately. The futility of life :/

"I see an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history; without a purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives."

-Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Wind of Change

So, it's happening :)

It's finally, actually happening. I'm going to Pune.

This is one of those moments when I don't even know if it's real or not. When it's so big that you've to keep questioning yourself "Is it really happening?" "Is it?" "Wait, really?" When it's so new and exciting and frightening that you don't quite believe it. It's like I can smell it in the air. The change. 

The first, real, big change. I'll live in a different city. I will live away from mom and dad, away from the house I grew up in, away from my family. I'm finally, breaking away :)

Am I? Really? See? Here I go again.

I wanted to wait before writing this post. There are over two months before I go there, (and I have to give a gazillion exams and pass them) but I can't help it. Like I said, I can smell it. And I can feel it. Almost like I can touch it. My fingertips are tingling. I can feel a yawning chasm slowly expanding inside my body. I'll bid farewell to the place where I spent 21 years of my life? Mummy? Papa? Baba and dadi? All my relatives? My friends? 

I'll live in a world where my friends will be my family. I'll live on a hill. I'll live with a roommate. I'll live in a different world. I'll have different sights and smells and people and places and moments and memories and incidents and experiences. There is a little chance that I might end up in Delhi. But I'll still live in a hostel :) I'll sail away from home, never to come back again. (Of course I'll come during the vacations. I just mean I'll be out for good) Am I really, really moving out? Of home? :O I'll live on my own? I'll wash my clothes and iron them? I'll withdraw money from the ATM and take care of it and learn to spend it wisely? :O 

I'm ready to face it. To experience a whole new universe and to write a whole new chapter in the book of life. Or am I? :O

I keep getting reminded of this song by the Scorpions.

"Take me to the magic of the moment,

On a glory night.

Where the children of tomorrow dream away,

In the wind of change."

And I can feel it. The wind of change, blowing straight into the face of time. 

And this time it’s blowing for me :’)

Love thyself.

Amongst the innumerable things that I miss about school is one of my History teachers Sister Dorothea. She is an expressive, passionate, awesome lady. Many students used to think of her as a nutbag because she used to come across as too strong and sometimes very strict in an insane sort of way. But I always had this respect for her in my heart. One of the things that she repeatedly used to say out loud with a lot of gusto and voice modulations in class used to be “Man is born selfish from his mother’s womb!” She would say it with such passion and expression that we wouldn’t be able to stop ourselves from giggling or rolling our eyes; but the words are still stuck with me today.

Yes, man is selfish. Each and every one of us is. And it’s not a bad thing; it’s just how we are made. It’s deep-rooted, embedded in our systems. No matter what we do, ultimately, somehow, in some direct or indirect way, we are doing it only for ourselves. “What’s in it for me?” is always our first question. Anything and everything we do, we try to see if we’re any sort of gainers in the whole process. If not, we’re probably not very interested. In love, are you? Well, it’s you you’re more in love with. You only love the person because he/she makes you feel good. You want that feeling, you want that happiness. Loving someone has got to be one of the most selfish things we indulge ourselves in.

Consider people who help the poor people or who give handsome amounts of money to charity. Seems so noble. So honourable. But they are simply doing it because it gives them the contentment, the satisfaction of making someone’s lives a little better. It gives them a kick. For all you know, it gives a similar kind of kick to them that some people get out of gambling.

Osho says that being selfish is simply being yourself. The word has been condemned too much, but actually, it’s a beautiful word. “Don’t consider anybody else in the world, just consider yourself; and in that very consideration, you would have considered the whole world.” You need to love yourself in order to love anybody else. Two people loving each other without having a similar feeling for themselves is similar to two beggars begging from each other.

There was something that our teacher said in our Organizational Behaviour lecture in college which really made me think. While discussing ‘motivation’, and what really motivates someone to help others, she said “Suppose there are two best friends X and Y, who work in different companies and X is desperate to quit her job and join Y’s company, Y would go out of her way to help her best friend, right? Would she do that because she is her best friend? She might think so. But subconsciously, she’s doing it because empowering her best friend will give her a sense of power. She will get the satisfaction of changing her friend’s life. Is will be a purely selfish act.”

Wow. Jerks you back into reality, doesn’t it? Well, I had been fretting over the fact that everyone is self-centred and mean and egoistical, but you know what? It’s really okay. So am I. It’s okay to be looking out for yourselves, to think of benefitting yourself. If everyone is busy doing that, there shouldn’t be anyone to complain about.

So actually, K3G style, it’s all just really about loving yourself. 

Suspended

I sit back in silence and watch the particles of dust sparkling and swirling in the ray of sunlight entering through my window. Meandering aimlessly, suspended in the air, as if not being able to make their mind up.. looking for answers, fighting with themselves. I look at them, transfixed, trying to find the answers to my own questions. I try to dig deep within my soul. What do I want? What do the others want from me? Strangely though, the only thing that comes to mind is.. nothingness. A strange, hollow, uncomfortable feeling which makes you numb. It makes you feel like the world is moving around you, while you are stuck. You are stuck into infinity, and waiting for some kind of emotion to engulf you. What if, right now, right this moment, the world comes to an end? Would anything matter anymore? Absurd though it may sound, the idea doesn't particularly horrify me. 

"Even death has a heart."

Here is a small fact: You are going to die.

Reading this written in such an offhand way is quite unsettling, isn’t it? Well, maybe death won’t seem so brutal once you read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. The credit goes to En, for recommending it to me and Chee, for sending it to me, very promptly I should add, as a complete surprise.

What intrigued me the most was when I got to know that the entire story has been narrated by Death. It is set in Nazi Germany, where death was very busy and tired. One line that stuck with me was when death says “I am not violent or malicious. I am just a result.” Wow. That is so profound. Death is what happens to us, after all the bad stuff has already happened. It’s when our soul is finally at peace. Death isn’t evil. It is only a consequence. Most people dread it, but probably every one reaches that stage in life when they wait for it to finally embrace them. Where the soul sits up and welcomes it with a smile. The song "I'll fly away" comes to mind at this point:

"When the shadows of this life have gone, I'll fly away,
Like a bird from it's prison bars has flown, I'll fly away"

I loved how the author shaped the characters. I loved how he exposed the kindness and the brutality humans are capable of. Because that’s what makes them who they are. Humans. It was beautiful how he played with words, and shuffled between the past, present and the future. It’s like he put them onto a gargantuan palette and mingled and mixed all the colours together, to bring to life an enthralling picture on the canvas, made of contrasting hues. Red with yellow. Black with white.

I wish I could write like that. I hope to, some day. Writing that would move someone to tears. Mixing beauty and destruction together with tragedy and love. 

“I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.”

-Liesel Meminger.

Back after two (almost) life changing events!

"God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met." - Farrah Fawcett.

Happy Women’s Day! Love and best wishes to all the beautiful women in my life who make it so colourful and shrill and exciting! :D I received my first ever Women's day gift today. Flowers from a close friend! Red and white and pink roses! :D

It’s so good to write finally, after AGES. It also feels great to be so wonderfully busy that you don’t get time to read or write or chat. I went to Pune to give my interview. I love that place! And I went ALL ALONE for the first time! My dad left me at the airport and then I did everything ALL by myself.

:|

Hey, what?! It was a big thing for me okay?! BIG! I felt so important standing in the queues alone without anyone telling me what to do. I pretended like I do that every day. I met strange people on the flight, even met creeps who stared at me, stayed at an amazingly warm lady’s place, played with her adorable 4-year-old daughter, got dressed, gave my own self a nice pep talk and reached the college before time. It is situated on a hill and the campus is breathtakingly beautiful. It is surrounded by valleys and lush greenery and at sunset the sky turns orange and pink. I interacted with the students and the applicants and was thoroughly impressed by some of them. I enjoyed the written test and the personal interview. I don’t know what had come over me. I had hardly slept or eaten anything, but how I talked! The panel looked at me while I divulged into detailed answers to all their questions. I knew they were impressed. I got a good score too! I don’t know why I got a low score in the written. Well, I’m still awaiting my final result. But all in all, I had an amazing experience.

Oh and my sister’s wedding! Now I know how you feel after an event like this. First of all, I keep forgetting that she’s actually married. That she’s a wife. And has a husband! *gasp!* The wedding couldn’t have been better. We all ate, danced, sang, laughed, talked, went crazy. It was smooth and big and pretty. And didoo looked beautiful and it was weird watching her sitting on the stage. Usually, it used to be us standing in some remote corner in other people’s weddings and making fun of people. And I received overwhelming compliments about my hair and dress and everything. It was awesome.

And now I’m trying to settle back into my normal routine but I feel hung over. I don’t feel like getting out of my bed or doing anything whatsoever. It’s called “putting NED”. Chee shared this with me. Some IIT guy coined this term. It means “no enthu da”. It’s the state when you don’t have the enthusiasm to do anything; in fact, you don’t even feel like doing nothing. So yea, I’ve been putting lots of NED. Except that I watched Tangled, and The Darjeeling Limited. I loved both. Rapunzel reminded me of myself and The Darjeeling Ltd. was just so ..outlandish! It’s filmed in India and has shown it in its truest and most honest way. You’ll fall in love with the music and the scenes. Irfan Khan was a surprise!

Now I’m thinking of reading a book. Or maybe sleeping. Yes, sleeping. Although that’s all I’ve done most of the day. It still sounds extremely promising.

P.S. I love all my followers.

:* This is for you all :)

My number one girl.

"Childhood is measured by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows."

It was a time of Dexter’s laboratory and Falguni Pathak songs on TV. It was a time of going to school half sleeping in the auto and fighting about who will have the remote control while coming back. It was a time of buying the coolest school bags and raincoats. Of stitching Barbie doll dresses and drawing our favourite cartoon characters on greeting cards. It was a time of Enid Blyton novels and saving pocket money to buy ice-cream from the Madhu ice-cream vendor every evening. Of hiding in cardboard cartons for hours and BOO-ing at passers-by, and buying the perfect pichkaaris for Holi. It was a time of hide-and-seek, Coat piece, Business King, Contra, killing Shredder in the Ninja turtles, watching BBQ, Dragon Ball Z, The Bold and The Beautiful, and Baywatch. Where did those days go?

She was my first friend when I was growing up. She came to my rescue when I was bullied by fat girls in school and she was always there when I needed money for ice cream. She took me back to my class safely when I went to her class bawling because I thought that my entire class had ‘disappeared’. She submitted all my leave applications to the Principal’s office because I was too scared to do it myself, and she always gave a call home when I forgot to get my bag to school. She helped me mug up the paryaayvaachi shabd before my Hindi exam and she always decorated and wrote the headings for all my school projects in attractive italics. She screamed at me whenever I was stupid, and as we all know, she has a very low tolerance level for stupidity. She covered up for me when I got low marks and she always introduced me to her friends. Trotting behind her hurriedly as we walked inside the school gates, and always, always looking back once more and waving that one extra ‘bye’ before we went to our respective buildings had become almost essential. I would feel so happy whenever I saw her with her big group of friends in school. I would show her off to all my friends. “You see her? Yes, that’s my didi.” I still remember what she looked like back then. Tall, slightly buck-toothed, silent, composed; wearing round golden earrings and a red ribbon in her high ponytail.

I hated her as we grew up. She was mean and she yelled at me a little too often. She said the most spiteful things and we fought almost every day. I was not exactly an angel myself; probably was a shrilly, irritating little tattletale. We usually had physical brawls, which pretty much ended the same way. With me wailing at the top of my lungs till I got the satisfaction of mom scolding her, and she passing rude, nasty comments to me for the next few days. I still remember how once she dug her nails into my skin and I showed the marks to everyone for the next week. Worse, once she was running after me to give me a good beating, and I closed the door on her face; resulting into a small injury in her eyebrow. That small little gap is still there, and will always be there, reminding her of our unpleasant childhood scuffles :)

We bonded when I matured a little. She told me about her secrets and I told her about my crushes. I began to like her for who she was as a person and even wrote this in her slam book once “Please don’t be cutta with me for whatever I say because I’ll always be sorry.” :P She continued to roar and growl at me on a regular basis, but we really grew on each other. She introduced me to Enigma, Britney, Shakira, Enrique, Westlife, BSB and I spent hours writing all the lyrics down so that we’d be able to sing them together. (She was really bad at learning lyrics. Still is) She wouldn't start studying before killing all the mosquitoes mercilessly and she hated everyone when it was too hot. She read all my childhood stories infested with grammatical and spelling mistakes with a lot of enthusiasm and always encouraged me to write further. She always had that one last bite of Maggi from my plate even though she knew how much I hated it :)

She fought with me when I made the biggest blunders of my life. I never realized then, but now I do. I should have listened to her then. I wish we hadn’t drifted apart for all those months, until it was too late. Until she was gone for MBA. Better late than never though, I have finally realized it. She was only looking out for me. And her way of showing that she cares is not being an overly affectionate big sister, but being a hard, strong teacher.

My didi, who always picked my clothes out for me when we shopped, and showed me how to colour inside the lines, and who hugged me tightly whenever she heard me crying softly in bed, and who always gets me the most wonderful gifts every time she meets me, is getting married. Yes, you heard me. That girl, who I have seen grow up before my eyes. The girl who had major temper issues, who had terrifying arguments with mom and dad. The headstrong girl, with a lot of dreams inside her, has finally become an independent, fully grown-up woman.

I cannot believe she is getting married. Married?! Where did those days go? Those never-ending laughing sessions. The studying together during exams, and her sending me off to make tea and then asking me to wake her up after half an hour. The long, long, conversations that would outgrow the night and we would be in splits on the floor. The times I missed her when she stayed in her locked room, talking on the phone. The times when I was jealous and proud of her at the same time. The times when she woke me up by trying out something innovative each morning and the hysterical laughing sessions looking at each other’s ponytails in the morning. The naming all our toys and throwing parties to celebrate their birthdays. Cycling in our lane, skating on our porch, going out for Big Bun's burgers, MKOP's truffle, Bhagat's bhalla...

Where did the carefree pasta-making, movies-watching, song-singing, dancing-for-no-reason days go? It seems like only yesterday when she would hold my hand and take me to summer hobby classes and swimming lessons.

Though we are completely different people in every way, I still smile when people say we look like twins, or when they point out that the way we speak and laugh is similar. She has always been my strength. She has always, always been there. She listened to me when I called her up crying in the middle of the night during my existential crisis phases. And she always rolled her eyes when I told her how and why my life couldn't be better.

Didoo, I know after reading this post you are probably going to say “Nautanki!” but I really, really want you to know. I love you. And I’m sorry if I’ve never been appreciative enough, if I’ve never made it clear. You know what an idiotic emotional wimp I am. Our conversation in Baroda made me realize you cared about me as much as I cared about you. It’s just that you are not that expressive enough. But I have always loved you. How could I not? You were always there, supporting me, providing me a cushion that I could always fall back upon. And being a witness and a partner to all my craziness.

You actually are getting married. (Good lord!) I’m so happy you’re marrying someone you love and someone who loves you back. I hope you have an amazing life ahead. I hope you get what you’ve always dreamed of. I know all about them :) You’re my number one inspiration, my number one best friend and one of my most favourite people in the world. You’re my number one girl.

Come soon so I can see you make that typical expression of yours that I know you’re making right now :)

P.S. You know what? You’re going to be a bride :O :)

(Didoo and me, 1994)

(Didoo and me, 2011)

Great balls of fire!

I attended a rock concert today! Well, um, almost :P Let me say that, will you? It sounds so much cooler that way :D One of my closest friends in college and his band gave a public performance today. This was their first show outside our college and I was so, so proud of them. They mostly sang Rockstar songs and the crowd went crazy cheering and hooting during ‘Naadaan Parindey’. (It is a beautiful song with stunning lyrics and if you tell me you don’t listen to Hindi music because you’re too cool for it, I’ll box your face and smash your nose)

I can imagine how they’d have felt, up there on the stage, performing, witnessing so many people, friends, familiar faces, strangers, clapping and screaming for them. It was an amazing experience. We went in a big group and hollered their names out aloud! Nothing like a group of friends getting together to motivate another set of friends!

Oh, I have finally finished reading Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind! God's nightgown! I now realize why it is a classic and a massive hit. I can’t believe this book was written in the 1930's. It sounds so modern, so young and fresh. Books like these increase your perspective about historical events on a whole new level. I had very little knowledge about the Civil War; but only after reading this did I realize the pain, terror, consternation people had to go through. How African Americans were slaves and were so content with being just that. How people killed and massacred and sacrificed so many lives fighting over something that seems so insignificant once the war is over and the dead bodies are counted.

Although the story wasn’t about the Civil war; it was about the mean-spirited, hypocritical Scarlett O’Hara! Oh, what a lovable little hateful creature! :D Never have I read a book where the protagonist is so terribly flawed and yet she manages to convince the readers that her actions were justified. That she was only human, and that all of us have all these character flaws within us and sometimes we have to be horrid and insensitive just to get by. She was so fussy and immature that she was hilarious at times; with her tantrums and outbursts. Guess what my new favourite expressions are? Without a doubt, “Fiddle dee dee!”, “God’s nightgown!” and “Great balls of fire”. I love them so much, that I have even started using them in my daily conversation! (with people looking at me with amused bewilderment, passing it off as another one of my quirks)

And.. Rhett Butler. Oh, my my my. Rhett Bulter. What an incredible name! *swoon* He is easily the dream man for every woman. He is delightfully sarcastic, evidently masculine, dangerously charming and just the right about of mockful and witty. The sophisticated manner with which he carries himself, the fact that he doesn’t care about what anyone says about him, and the fact that he reads Scarlett like a book.. make him one of the most intriguing characters I’ve ever come across in any work of fiction so far. He comes almost at par with Darcy and Roark. Though, Roark was a little too weird for my taste. It's not just like a regular love story set in disturbing war times. It is highly convoluted, with conflicting, raw human emotions and a lot of twisting complications. It even ends realistically, leaving you with a not-so-happy feeling; and wondering what would happen next.

I saw the movie as well. It is very well made, with Vivien Leigh playing the snooty Scarlett almost perfectly.  I love the way she goes “Oh Rhett, Ohhh Rhett!” :P I’ve been imitating that all day. Damn, I can be so amazing at theatre. I just know it. I feel that Edith Piaf's 'La Vie en Rose' would have gone perfectly for the theme of the movie. But I’m sorry, the book is infinitely better than the movie; even though they tried to include all the details in it. The book is always, always better and if you give me a 100 mark essay to write on why movies are better than the books, I won’t be able to squeeze out a word.

(I think it's a remarkable poster of Scarlet and Rhett amidst the burning city of Atlanta. You? :))

You will scream if I tell you what the time is. Er, at least my mom would. She is going to skin me alive. Oh fiddle dee dee, it’s okay, tomorrow is a holiday! Good times! :)

The Elephant Man

Don't you just hate it when you get a gross pimple on your face? Somewhere prominent, like on your nose or above your lip? Don't you hate the way people react? How ashamed you feel and how many things you try to get rid of it. Now imagine, if your entire body was like one big pimple, only much, much worse and painful. What would it be like, to be an abomination of nature? To be ugly beyond mere ugliness, with no fault of yours?

I happened to see David Lynch’s ‘The Elephant Man’ tonight. What a movie! It’s a true story based on the life of John Merrick, a severely deformed man as a result of his mother getting mauled by an elephant while he was still in the womb.

Doctor Treves, a surgeon at the London Hospital first spots John at a carnival, being exposed and exhibited as a freak by an abusive, cold man. He offers to examine him and brings him to his hospital; at first assuming that he probably is an imbecile, but realizes later what an admirable, intelligent and a sensitive man he really is. Because he is so grotesquely distorted, people run away from him in terror, look at him with disgust and laugh and make fun of him. He always has to wear a hood when out in public. Dr. Treves, played remarkably by Anthony Hopkins, proves to be kind enough to realize the man beneath the hideous skin abnormalities and becomes his friend.  It’s the story of the journey of John Merrick, from the brutal beatings in the rusty dungeons of a carnival, to elite tête-à-têtes with high dignitaries and going to the theatre with the Princess of Wales.

Little things have been paid attention to in the movie, playing with human emotions, and making the audience’s hearts leap out of their chests to hug John Merrick despite his obvious repulsiveness. It makes you wonder what life would be if you had a similar fate. If you were scorned and jeered and spat upon simply because of a physical malfunction which you had no control over. What can mere misfortune do to people. It helps you realize what such people go through and would perhaps change your attitude towards them. If you usually cry in movies, then be prepared with a big box of tissues when you’re watching this one. It’s not for the faint-hearted, like me. Seldom do movies manage to touch me this much, but this one did. One hundred percent and more. It’s truly a masterpiece and I admire the makers of this movie to portray human sentiments and ruthlessness in such a convincing and raw manner.

I respect them for taking care of every miniscule thing and working so very hard to get the make-up and costumes right. The make-up of the Elephant man took SEVEN hours every time it was applied. Can you imagine the amount of patience and hard work?!

Definitely one of my favourite movies so far. If you like true stories, especially the ones that throw light on human psychology, then this movie is for you. 

"'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man."

 —poem used by Joseph Merrick to end his letters.

How is your life today?

Beautiful people of the world! :D

Guess what happened today? I received my first ever Blog award! It’s given to me by Jen, a recent follower and a fellow blogger! I’ve read only a few of your posts Jen, but I loved them! :) Thank you! You’re a peach! :D

The timing couldn’t have been better! This is my 100^th post! Weeeeeeeeee! Bloggie hits a century!! I can’t believe it! Have I really written a hundred blog posts? Seems huge! I love blogging so much I’m almost addicted to it now. I’m not complaining! Sniff :’) It’s a big moment for me and my blog. Two great things happened on the same day!

I.. I would like to thank my mom, dad, sister, teachers, friends, fellow bloggers MYSELF! Muhaahahahahaa! 

Anyway, the rules of receiving an award are:

• Link back to the person who gave you the award.       
• Pick 5 people deserving of the award and notify them on their blogs.      
• Post the award on your blog and spread the love.

And the five people I’m going to pick who deserve this award are:

1.      Em and En dying to say (Because she was one of my first few followers and I love and adore her blog with all my heart. Also, because I got to know her and meet her through her blog)

2.       Why is everything four? by Karishma (Because she’s currently my favourite new blogger. She’s a beautiful, beautiful writer and somewhere I feel like she’s the kind of girl I would fall for if she was a guy. Right, enjoy the ego boost! :P)

3.      InsomniaStrikes by PurpleMist (Because I love the colour and because she reminds me of myself in a lot of ways)

4.     Muse-ment  by Tangerine (Because her blog is fun and vibrant and just the right amount of cool)

5.    Living is a one-way street! by Sakshi (Because she’s my sishtooo! And because she writes so well. And because her blog needs to be updated! Please do NOT delete it!)

Phew, there! I feel so good spreading all this lourrve :D

I’ve realized that you constantly have to push yourself to happiness. There is so much to life. You cannot stay unhappy. You can’t.

And when you start going down that way, remember this “If you want to be happy, be." – Leo Tolstoy. Isn’t it amazing? Doesn’t it put a smile to your face instantly? :)

And if even this doesn’t help, go and listen to this! I've been singing it all day (And boy, I sound good :P)

I dare you to be upset after this.

And if you're still upset, go see a shrink wouldja?!

P.S. Thank you again Jen! :D

*I received an awaaaaaaaard*
 *doing the hula* :D