Govindpuri Gali Number Do

I feel sort of terrified today. There's a little over a week left for my internship to get over, and for my stay here in Delhi to come to an end. How do I feel? It’s quite indescribable at the moment. But I’m sure it’ll still be indescribable by the end of it.

Govindpuri Gali number do. My temporary abode for 2 months.

It has been surprisingly smooth, and bewilderingly comfortable. Apart from the unforgiving heat which rose to such inhuman levels only in the past few days, my entire time here has been a phase which I’m going to keep with me for a long time to come. I never thought till even a couple of years back that I would have such a F.R.I.E.N.D.S-ish life. I’ve never experienced such freedom in the past 22 years of my life. Living with 5 of your friends, in a good locality close to your office has been one of the most exciting things I’ve done so far. I realized only today how much I’m going to miss this.

I can’t really put all of those small, incalculable and innumerable little moments that made our stay here so memorable, but I’m going to list out my favourite bits.

1. Ordering food from Takkar dhaba everyday till the owner could recognize our voices and know exactly where to deliver it. Experimenting with food. Using leftovers to invent new recipes. The thrill of cooking for each other. The satisfaction of a good, cheap meal. The lure of street food.

2. Taking a break from the office and stepping out to have the deservedly famous chhola kulcha from the nearby chhola kulcha wala bhaiya. And enjoying it. Every time.

3. Watching CID, Rajnikant, old timey brainless movies and trashing them to bits and laughing. Also, the enormous amount of Nat Geo and Discovery shows we “ohh-ed” and “wow-ed” at. Taboo, Frozen Planet, Body Bizarre, Man vs Wild. Watching food channels and then feeling bad that we can’t make what they make.

4. Buying stuff for the house from the grocery store. Liquid dish cleaner, broom, vegetables, fruits, spices. Surprising each other with a little pastry or a chocolate.

5. Getting up late at night, and scrounging in the kitchen like a rat to look for something to eat.

6. Going to the terrace to enjoy the cool breeze, and ending up rolling on the floor laughing at the outrageous artificial movies that we made each other enact. (Thandi laash mein garam chhuri, Rice mein electric pole, Latakte bridge pe bhatakti aatma)

7. Stepping out without any plan, and asking each other “where are we going?” in the metro. Then going to India gate, Dilli Haat, CP or Jama Masjid and walking about.

8. Going to parathe wali gali. Having a million parathas. Followed by the thickest lassi, jalebi and rabdi. Mmm!

9. Letting each other be. Everyone doing their own things. Reading, sleeping, watching a movie, or just lying listless for no reason.

10. Telling each other all the events of the day, enacting co-workers or narrating incidents. College gossip.

11. The day we all stayed in. Had litchis, and watched Hera Pheri and Hungama.

12. The evening tea. (“Anyone wants chui?”) The occasional Maggi. Sprinkled with grated cheese.

13. Scrambled eggs. Boiled eggs. Sunny side ups. Omelettes. Egg rolls.

14. MOMOS!

15. Aloo chaat.

16. Corn flakes.

17.  Chhole poori and boondi ka raita for 20 rupees.

18. The narrow, flies-ridden, congested galis of Govindpuri. The madness. The temporary bazaar every Wednesday. People riding bikes on the footpath, honking like there’s no tomorrow, ladies shopping, guys eating and spitting, dogs mucking about.

19. Smiling at each other after a day’s work. Deciding where to go to grab a bite. Or writing “Anyone home? Want samosas? Ice cream?” on the Whatsapp group.

20. Making fun of each other. Copying each other. Bini going “Aiyo, so saaad. Look at the poor thing,” at every animal on TV. Avaneesh saying to Bear Grylls, “Eat something!” or “You dumb fuck” to a random person talking about the divinity of god. Arnab saying “Good shit.” Nayan going, “Oh you know what will happen after this?” in EVERY movie.

21. The randomness. The spontaneity. Watching funny videos on Youtube, or wearing watermelon skin as a helmet. Breaking into a sudden dance step, or singing a dumb song on the top of our lungs.

22. Going to Sarojini Nagar market and buying cheap clothes. The National Museum. Daryaganj book bazaar. India Habitat Center. Chocolate almond ice cream at Giani's. Hauz Khas village. Deer Park. Bohome. Zaitoon. Yeti.

23. GK 2 M Block market. Our office. The idle hours at work. Lunch for 35 rupees on the road side.

24. Reading a book pretending to do some extensive research in office. Covering events. The feeling of seeing your byline in the magazine.

25. Haggling with the auto walla everyday “Bhaiya 50 nahin, hum roz chalees mein jaate hain!”

26. Knowing you never have to come back to an empty house and someone will always be there to listen to how bad your day was.

27. Walking around Chandni Chowk and marveling at how it has a church, a temple, a dargah and a mosque all at the same place.

28. The selfish contentment of knowing you are never alone. You’re cared for. And loved. And pampered.

29.  Going to Central Park under the impression there’s going to be a Euphoria performance. Watching Uma Lala’s concert instead. And getting our asses wet.

30.  Getting caught in a sandstorm outside India gate. Sitting on the grass, talking and singing for hours.

31. Having the luxury and the time to read. Coming home early from work and having the entire evening stretched out lazily before you. Watching the flickering lights of the airplanes flying across the sky every 2 minutes on the terrace.

32. Reading out to each other. Devising plans to kill certain people. Or how to get rich quick. Endless discussions on the terrace about existence. Or science fiction.

33. Discussing new Game of Thrones episodes.

34.  Go Goa Gone. Acting like zombies.

35. Shouting.

36. Having the inevitable veg vs non veg or north vs south or Bangalore vs Kolkata debate before every meal.

37. Talking. Actually, talking about things. Sitting out in the balcony and having tea and chips. Hugging each other randomly, jumping around, putting new magazines in the magazine stand, drunk dialing, trying out new yoga poses, chocolate sandwiches, peanut butter muffin, Subway cookie, paratha pizza, Arnab Goswami screaming at News Hour, putting ice cubes down each other’s backs and making ghost noises during powercuts.

And the other countless, priceless memories I can’t think of right now but will come flying back to me on a balmy summer evening sometime in the future. After all, life is nothing but a series of memories, right?

It’s funny how you think 2 months is a long time, and then it just comes to an end in a jiffy. 

Govindpuri gali number do, I’ll never forget you. 

The Dream

She could see the back of his head as they made their way through the crowded railway station. It seemed like a time eons ago or in the future, and a place quite unlike anything she’d ever seen. He would sometimes move forward and she would be left scrambling, scrunching her face as she pushed herself forward, not moving her eyes away from the back of his rather huge head, lest they get separated.

It seemed like a high-tech, advanced railway station, with shining smooth trains, and computer operated passageways and terminals. It was unlike any other railway stations she had seen in India. Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks as something dawned upon her. He had gone quite far ahead. He came back when he realized she wasn’t behind him.

“What are you doing? Come on, we’ll miss the train!”

“I.. I can’t go to Bombay with you.”

“What? Don’t say that now. We had planned this. You wanted to do this.”

“I did. But now, I know that if I don’t stay back and give my interview, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Don’t you want me to get the opportunity which would make me get the job in Australia?”

“Yes, but.. but you told me Bombay was what you wanted. With me.”

“The interviewers can come to India anytime in the next two days. I have to stay back. I have to do this. I’m sorry.”

The look on his face was the most painful expression she had ever seen. Her heart leaped out of her chest for him, but she stood rooted to her spot. His eyes glistened as he said, “Okay. All the best.” He turned and left. She stood there and looked at him until he dissolved in the crowd, and the back of his head was no longer visible.

She closed her eyes, and breathed. Long and hard. She turned back and started walking but her legs felt like they were made of iron. Flashes of the past whizzed through her brain like a movie montage and she screamed, “Fuck it! I’m going with him.”

She ran. She pushed through the crowd, and ran like she had never run before. On a railway station swarming with people. She ran towards his platform, and saw him disappear behind a glass door, which lifted him up on another platform.

She ran. She does not remember for how long, and how she made her way through the hordes of people, but she finally saw him standing in front of his train, saying goodbye to his best friends. He held her yellow top, which she remembered she had given him, and which always smelled of her. His expression seemed blank now, like it didn’t matter whether he goes to Bombay or stays back anymore.

He saw her. And for a second, he didn’t believe it. As soon as he realized it was indeed her, she saw him grinning the broadest smile. Relief swept over his face like a gentle breeze, and he walked towards her. He was almost gliding towards her, making his way perfectly through the bustling people, looking only at her.

She ran up to him and buried her face in his shoulder, like she always did whenever she did something stupid. “I’m sorry. What was I thinking? I want us to go to Bombay.” She looked up at him. “Together.”

He smiled, brushed a strand of hair off her face, and kissed her nose. “We will go to Bombay. Just, not this time. You were thinking right. You should give the interview. I want you to go abroad. You always wanted to.”

She looked at him, her heart melting and no words coming out of her mouth. The train whistled, and the passengers started rushing inside. “You want me to..?”

He nodded, and hugged her tight. Tears filled her eyes, when she realized what this meant. They would not see each other. Not for a long, long time. “Bye, love”, he whispered. “Bombay beckons.”

“I love you,” she said, tears streaming down her eyes now. He held her hands and kissed them. He got in the train, and waved at her. He pursed his lips like he always did, and then lifted his glasses up, to wipe a lone tear hanging at the side of his eye.

She stood there and waved till the train left and went out of sight. She knew something had come to an end. She knew he had taken away a part of her with him that day. But she also knew they would meet again. And when they did, it would be beautiful.  

Ahh, Delhi. It's good to be back :)

Guess where I’m sitting right now? Yep, in my office! It’s been 12 days since I started interning at Tehelka. It feels so weird to tell people, “Hey I’m at office. I’ll get free by 6.” Wow. It sounds so grown-uppy. Since when did I have to tell people I’m not free and have ‘work’? Work? Is it really work? I guess it is. It may not be super-significant, life-changing, altering-the-course-of-events-in-the-universe work, but it is work nevertheless. A magazine company is like a huge piece of machine that never stops functioning, and though I may be a tiny cog in the entire set, I am a part of it alright :)

I’ve primarily been working on a one-page section called  Master Takes that gets featured towards the end of the magazine. It may not be something that you cannot live your entire life by without reading, but it is a lot of fun to do. I got to interview a lot of interesting people, and compiling and editing everything they say in a 100 odd words can be more challenging that you might think it is. Going up to people and asking them to talk to you can be even more daunting. But it pays off. I also covered a festival at the India International Center and going to the Commonwealth Book Prize at the Oxford Book Store at CP tomorrow. So yeah, things are not as bleak as they could have been.

As interns, we are on the last rung of the hierarchical ladder, and something we find ourselves barely dangling, struggling to keep up with everything that happens in the office. Pardon me to use the recently used and joked about analogy, but this place is like a beehive. Phones are ringing; phone calls are made every few minutes; the writers typing furiously on their keyboards; the designers designing the pages, eyebrows scrunched in concentration; the editors often have a war of words on certain topics and story ideas; news channels spew relentless news stories on the big plasma screen. It was very difficult for me to accept that my boss does not look at me or greet me with a smile because that is how it is at the workplace, and not because she is miffed at something I did. (I am ecstatic now when she smiles or says hi)

It was a little overwhelming in the beginning. Calling people 30 years elder to you by their names, trying to not get affected by the fact that no one even looks at you or acknowledges your presence when you enter the office and sit down meekly at your desk and look around. Or having to realize that this is not college where everyone would be enthusiastic to get to know each other. They come, do their work, and go. They live their lives seriously. They mean business.

This does not mean they do not enjoy. They have their own fun moments, teasing the others, laughing, cracking jokes. And the good, witty kind of jokes. Not the juvenile ones that people crack at college. I feel stupid looking at them and grinning, obviously not being able to join in the conversation. They are good people. I can’t help but notice the look of satisfaction on their faces when they see their stories printed in the magazine. I want to have that. Some of the people here are so knowledgeable and good at what they do, I feel like it would take me years just to come to that level. But I will. I know I will. I like to work in the features. I might just continue this in the future.

I feel lucky if I get work. And when I don’t, well reading blogs, articles and 9gagging helps.

But you know what is awesome?

I live in Delhi on my own with my friends. It’s the kind of freedom I never thought I would get to experience. Living on your own, buying groceries, getting the house cleaned, cleaning and washing sometimes, taking care of work, food and mood swings and adjusting with each other. It all gets really tiring but is really exciting at the same time. 

When all 6 of us are back from our work, we bitch about how bad our days were and fight about whose was worse. We sit in the balcony, order pizzas and chatter on about senseless things. We sometimes cook for each other, we tease, make fun, and sometimes go bonkers laughing. We sometimes go out walking, take random rickshaw rides, eat like there's no tomorrow and have illogical discussions late into the night. It is amazing to come back to a house full of friends who you can just flop down on the bed with and talk to. Or with whom you can go out and roam around the city, trying out all the cheap street food and buying things we would need in the house. A house where you have your own space, where you can stretch out and read a book, or go to sleep whenever you want. And it helps to have friends who will hug you when you cry and cry for no reason in particular. It helps even more, when you have friends who will hold a guitar like a monkey and dance around the house with it.

It is unlike anything I have experienced in life so far. It’s great. I love it. I know these are one of the best days of my life, and they are passing by, a tad too fast! I want to make the most of these. And I know I will. For now, just taking it one day at a time. 

It's great to be a Delhi-ite for the next one and a half months! :)

Rewind. Stop. Play.

“Kyun na hum tum,
Chalein tedhe medhe se raston pe
Nange paon re,
Chal bhatak lena baanwre”

Have you listened to the soundtrack of Barfi? Though the movie was disappointing, the music is almost heartbreakingly magical. It only adds to my already painfully nostalgic existence. It’s funny how I’m always reminiscing at this age. When I’m 70 I’ll probably kill myself.

When I was downloading the album from the file-sharing software through which our entire college is connected, I realized how easy it is now to get songs and movies. It hardly takes a few seconds. Wow. Sometimes I fondly look back at the times when cassettes were the latest thing, and we had to stand in line in a music shop, buy a cassette for 50 rupees, and if we were lucky, get a two-in-one tape with songs of two movies in it! Oh how thrilling it used to be to remove the plastic, put the shiny new cassette in the car’s stereo system, read everything written on the cover, and listen to those 8 odd songs over and over again till the cassette would be ready to disintegrate into a thousand little pieces. During family trips, those handful of songs used to be such loyal companions. We would listen to the songs so many times that every beat, every rhythm, every syllable would get embedded into our conscience so deeply that we would probably never forget them in this lifetime. I still remember every word and every musical instrument used in all those Dil to Pagal Hai and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai songs and I can sing them with the same amount of impossible energy and enthusiasm as I did when I was 8.

My earliest memories of movies are the ones dad had recorded for us on the VCR. Chaalbaaz, Andaaz Apna Apna and Saajan were a few of them. Watching Tom and Jerry was a ritual. Lion King, Home Alone, Dunston checks in, Mrs. Doubtfire led us into fascinating, obscure worlds. We were the first family in our locality to buy a small Sony CD player and getting a new movie CD on rent and watching it on the TV used to be an event. Generally on weekends, the drawing room used to be alive with relatives plonked on soft white mattresses, the soothing roar of the air cooler in the background, the entire family would sit together and get lost in the world of make-believe, glamour and artificial characters. Funny, comical movies used to be the best. I can still recall dad’s face red and contorted with the effort of trying to suppress the laughter, tears flowing down mom’s eyes as she laughed uncontrollably, my brother rolling on the floor laughing that distinct high-pitched laughter of his and my sister, almost falling off the sofa more at the others than what was happening in the movie itself. Sometimes there used to be mom’s pav-bhaji with lots of butter and Coke, and sometimes there used to be aloo poori with that one inevitable cup of chai that always had to follow, and there was that little argument about who was going to make it.

Even going out to watch the 9 to 12 movie show in the traditional theatres was an experience. Having an early dinner and getting ready, buying tickets and popcorn, and watching the movie with the family, and always, always wrapping mom’s chunni around me when it got too chilly inside the hall. Discussing the movie and asking everyone “Movie kaisi lagi?” (How did you like the movie?) in the car on the way back. Stopping on the way for ice-cream or paan.

Winter nights were spent watching silly hows like Comedy Circus, CID, KBC or Aahat or any movie being shown on the TV whatsoever, snuggled inside fluffy quilts chewing carelessly on peanuts or cashews. The first sentence after switching the TV on used to be “Dekho koi achchi picture aa rahi hai kya?” (See if there’s a good movie on TV!) Making fun of all the make-up wearing, glycerine-using, poor housewives in all of the K serials mom used to watch. The afternoons were a blur of Rasna, Khas, water melons and naps in front of the cooler after watching the ‘70s and ‘80s movies with grandparents.

It was a time when a few clicks and a few seconds were not enough to get access to the enchanting, wonderful world of movies and music. I often feel I was lucky to be born in a typical middle class family in India in the ‘90s because I have seen the transition every so clearly right in front of my eyes. God bless technology that we are exposed to so many documentaries and movies that one lifetime would not be enough.

But sometimes, I yearn for that time, I long to be that little girl again, perched on that maroon sofa in a small house in a small town, sipping Rooh Afza with my laughing, chortling family around me because Paresh Rawal said something funny to Sunil Shetty in Aawara Pagal Deewana.

First film!

Hello beautiful readers!

We were supposed to make a Personal Documentary as part of our course. The rules were: it was to be 5 to 10 minutes long, no music was allowed and no special effects. So I just shot a bit on campus, and patched all the archival footage I had with it and just sewed it up together to make this!

Awaiting your comments and feedback! My first movie :')

Click here: My first documentary.

Check it out!

Say cheeese

Sometimes when it's hot and you're tired, sleepy, hungry and lethargic and you want to complain about everything, a cheesy, mayo-ey, crispy, gooey burger makes it all okay. Especially if it's cheap, and totally worth it, and bought from a little movable cart, and eaten on the side of the road with the cheese dripping down your fingers. And, I need to emphasize on this point: especially if it's loaded with cheese.

Went to this little thela in a khopcha on Law College road called Aasing's Kitchen, and had one of the most gratifying burgers after a long time. Had some cold coffee to wash it down and walked back all the way to the bus stop. Also had 'garlic bread' with actual garlic on some bread from another place :P

Oh, and by the way, my first article to get published on a news website ever. Do give it a read. And comment if you have any views. Click --> here. I'm pretty excited about it :D

Yay! Okay I'll go to sleep now because I have classes from 8:30 in the morning to 7 in the evening. Yes, I know. Death will happen.

Be back soon!
Love.

Spreadin' the lourve

Happy Huggsy Wuggsy day! 

It’s Valentine’s day tomorrow and lou is definitely in the air. I got my share too, in the form of two blog awards :D

That makes three of them now. And that’s awesome. So, I have double the work to do, and I’ll get to it. Chop chop!

To begin with thank you Aqsa and Songbird for giving the awards to me. I’m highly honoured!

According to the rules, I’m supposed to mention ten random facts about me, and then answer the questions they had asked. So here are the random facts:

1. I love crushing the big, crunchy brown leaves that are strewn on the ground when I’m walking to and fro from our classes to our hostel. They give me a weird sense of satisfaction.

2. Sometimes a vague tune from a vague song gets stuck in my head and it drives me mad because I can’t stop singing it and I can’t recall which song it is from.

3. Sometimes I find things funny which actually aren’t, and then I go on these irreversible laughing sprees, and my stomach starts hurting and my eyes water and basically I look like a stork high on crack.

4. When I get cranky, I shout at people for no reason, (or cry at some silly childhood memory) and then start laughing instantly because I know I’m being unreasonable.

5. I romanticize everything. I love nature, I love trees, I love mountains, and sunsets, and you get the picture. And I find beauty in sadness, and happiness in solitude, meaning in the rise and fall of waves crashing against the rocks. Yeah, stuff like that.

6. I love being around people, and I love it when big groups of friends laugh together. It’s one of the happiest sounds in the world.

7. I cry, a lot. I cry during movies, I cry reading books, I cry having emotional conversations, I cry listening to music. But most times, they’re happy tears. I’m very weird.

8. I like to get into discussions about religion, faith, the supernatural, the universe, psychology, philosophy, love, and everything that cannot be explained or understood easily.

9. I love tea. I need to have a cuppa tea every evening, with chips. Especially cheese puffs. And sipping tea watching the sun go down has become a habit, and it calms me down.

10. I love wit, and sarcasm, and deep voices. And soap bubbles, and small cafes and bookstores. And purple. And cheese. And Nutella. Boiled peas and mashed potatoes. The sound of mummy’s laughter and the way her eyes become scrunchy when she laughs. A warm hand to hold. Messy hair. Raindrops. The smell of wet mud. Listening to music and looking out the window in a bus/train.

Aqsa's questions:

1. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?

I check my phone to see the time and check for new text messages or mails. I stretch, I groan and make noises, I keep shifting in bed and complain about how painful life is, finally drag myself out of bed and go and sleep in the bathroom.

2. How do you express your anger?

I swear under my breath (a LOT), or I write, or I just talk to a close friend. I tried kicking a tree once. It did not end well.

3. If you had to live on a lonely island and take only one book with you, which one would it be?

Most probably Catcher in the Rye, or The Twins at St. Clare’s.

4. An embarrassing moment/fact about you?

I realized how much I didn’t know and how much I still don’t once I joined this college. And many are facts and issues about my own country.

5. How much do you let your academic success/failure affect your life?

Not much. I just focus on managing a decent score, but if I get bad grades I don’t let it upset me for long. Because I don’t feel marks are a fair assessment of how intelligent or efficient you are.

6. Do you believe in first impressions?

Totally. You tend to notice a person a lot when you meet them for their first time. Their clothes, their walk, their body language. I like smiling, warm, jumpy people :D

7. What period of your life do you think was the best?

My childhood! It was the best ever! It was a time of cardboard carton submarines, Rasna, bicycles, climbing trees, freedom and endless possibilities. Also, May 2010 to May 2012.

8. Do you live in the present more or brood about the past or fantasize about the future more?

I fantasize a hell lot! I do dwell in the past. And sometimes, I live completely in the present. So, I guess a mix of all three.

9. Your favourite cartoon and why?

Dexter’s Laboratory, Dragon Ball Z, Ed Edd ‘n’ Eddy, Powerpuff Girls. Because they were my life when I was a kid.

10. Harry Potter or Twilight?

Harry Potter. ANY day!

Songbird’s questions:

1. What would be your ideal weapon to fight a zombie apocalypse?

One of those massive hammers that I can use to just bash the zombie’s heads into pulp. But they should be really light.

2. Who is your favourite singer/artist/band?

Radiohead, Simon and Garfunkel, Coldplay, Muse, Porcupine Tree, The Fray.

3. What is the ideal vacation spot?

A white sandy beach, lots of clear water, high tides, good food, music, and the company of your closest friends.

4. Do you believe in miracles?

I don’t. But then there are moments, when I kind of do.

5. Why do you have a blog?

It gives me a sense of identity. I feel like I belong somewhere; it gives me an outlet to express my feelings. It just makes me happy I can share my thoughts with people who care enough to read them.

6. If you could choose between your left eye and right eye to see with the rest of your life, which eye would you choose?

Uhm, right eye, because it has lesser power than my left eye :P

7. What is your favourite punctuation mark?

Without a doubt, the exclamation mark!!

8. Do you own a pet?

I did. A Lhasa Apso called Cherry, and a lab called Shirley.

9. What do you think of my blog?

I think it’s innocently beautiful. Reminds me of myself when I was a little younger. Keep writing!

10. You are going to die in 10 minutes. What are you gonna do?

I’ll just sit silently and think over my life (and try to calm myself down and breathe because I'd be freaking out!) Maybe call a couple people and tell them how much I love them.

Now, to choose 10 bloggers to give these awards to:

And here they are:

• Nayan
• Sachin
• Typing to the beat of my heart
• Sugar cube
• Hamsini
• Shilpa
• Rajan
• Sowmya
• The Frozen Flame
• Rushabh

Congrats! :D

 My questions to them:

1. What is your biggest pet peeve?

2. Who was your first crush?

3. What is your favourite childhood memory?

4. What is your favourite dialogue from a movie/book?

5. What is the one crazy thing you want to do before you die?

6. How would you define love?

7. What if your absolute favourite moment?

8. What are you addicted to?

9. What are your biggest fears?

10. If you were to be stuck in a lift with one person, who would it be?

And there, I’m done! Yaaaay! I feel so productive after writing all this nonsense, even though I have a big assignment due tomorrow. So people who have won the award, start typing! :D

And now just for kicks, I'm sharing a picture here. Some bloggy love for all my readers!

(Muaah)

Teehee! So long, bloggy friends, I’ll be back! :)

How fickle my head and how woozy my eyes

Yeah you guessed it from the title. Been listening to a lot of Mumford and Sons. I hate it when music makes too much sense sometimes. NO, I do NOT want to relate to every song and apply it to my life’s problems and dilemmas.

It seems like the world has started to move faster and I am only moving slower than ever. Assignments, colleges fests, competitions, they all just seem to whizz past me. There is this dull sense of foreboding, and a callous indifference to one and all. Interviews and group exercises for our junior batch are going on. I just stood looking at the aspirants, standing in their queues, anticipation and excitement flowing out of them. One year back I stood where they stand today, nervous and energetic and bubbly. Too bubbly, I suppose, talking to everyone like an overexcited little ferret. But I was in love with the campus, and every fibre of my body wanted to get admission into this college.

Where do I stand now? I have no idea. I’m nowhere. I’m suspended mid-air between a mountain and an abyss, between a rock and a hard place. Everything is blurry. I’m not even the same person anymore. I’ve gained a lot, but I’ve lost so much more in the process. I’m wandering aimlessly, and I do not know if I would be found. I do not know if I even want to be found. It's such a sad age to live in when it's Facebook that asks you 'How are you feeling, Astha?' I honestly hadn't imagined life to take this turn. 

Moving on to less despondent topics, I would like to share our college news website with you people, where my aspiring Journalism friends and I write regularly. Do visit it? Here's the link: http://simc-wire.com/

Also read my recent article, the direct link to which is---> this.

Do read it and give me your comments! Here, or there itself.

I guess accomplishing little tasks is the only thing keeping me sane. Other than the dangerously increasing frequent cups of hot coffee, my journal which has finally resurrected, my blanket under which I can dissolve and shut out the world, and my blog, which has withstood catastrophes and whirlwinds, and traumas and disasters. And it still stands, through it all. I guess there are some things in life which manage to remain consistent, after all. 

Sigh.

Chaos

Today was the kind of day where Murphy was at his sadistic best. One of those days when you think things could not get any worse, except that they do. It was one of those days when everything bad you can imagine happens to you. You get out of bed and step on a nail, you slip in the bathroom, you miss breakfast, you walk into a cactus plant, you fall in a ditch and break all your teeth and there is no mosambi juice when your soul is desperately crying for it.

We were supposed to prepare a news bulletin as part of an assignment for TV Reporting and we were given an entire day to do it. We were five people, and I thought we would easily finish our assignment way before time. HAAH! So we wished. Everything from our camera, to the memory card, to the mic, to the cable, to the laptop, to the editing software, to the edited footage, to the electricity decided to conk off at regular intervals killing us painfully inside. There was so much of screaming and shouting and chaos and mess and outrageously impossible mishaps that at one point of time I was seriously considering walking out of the studios, walking straight to the hillside and jumping right off. We finally managed to finish it three hours after we were supposed to submit it, only to be thrashed by the teacher. I never realized preparing a news bulletin was such a tedious and painful task when I used to mindlessly flip over news channels.

I think I’m going to stick to print, thank you very much. I need time to think, and there’s no goddamn time when you are working for TV news! You oversimplify everything because it is for the “common man.” You slog laboriously for hours and then the viewer gulps it down in a few minutes, probably doesn’t even pay attention to half the things you say or show in it, and it is not even gratifying. I know I'm being negative and whiny but try going through a day like this. Cannot subject myself to this on a daily basis. I’m surprised I came out alive. So, broadcast journalism goes out the window. Fo shizz. 

Just cannot get over the sheer magnanimity of the unbelievably horrible day I had. Thank heavens it’s over. I better go to sleep before a huge spider crawls inside my room through my window and gobbles me up. 

22

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.”

The quote is from the movie The Perks of being a Wallflower, and I can relate to it so well right now. I LOVED the movie. Before I watched it, it seemed to be like a regular high school movie, except that it wasn’t. And it has a beautiful soundtrack. I’ve been listening to Heroes by David Bowie since I saw it (‘The Tunnel song’) and my head is swimming with so many thoughts.

I am 22. I’ve always wanted to be 22 since I was a kid. 22 always felt like the most fun age. The ideal age. Not only is 22 my second favourite number, but this is where I always wanted to be! This. Right here. It is like a big cross I had made on the map of my life and I am standing right on top of it. But I realized I had forgotten all about it. I find myself so busy lamenting over my past or worrying about my future that I end up feeling really morbid all the time. I am 22 and I feel like sleeping for a thousand years. I feel like not being aware of the fact that I exist for a while. Till it all gets better. How did it all become so haywire? What happened to my ‘living in the moment’ plan? What happened to all my plans in fact? Wait, did I even have any plans?

Recently one of my most admired teachers randomly walked up to me and said “You’re not alright in life, are you? You’ve lost the twinkle in your eyes. I know something is wrong.” And I was speechless. She had noticed? Is it that apparent? And since then I have been questioning myself. Why? How? I am only 22! I’m still in the phase of my life where I can fix things for myself. I should be able to get over stuff. I need to admit it that I am human, and I am stupid and that I hurt people. And I need to learn from that. I need to grow. I need to accept the fact that I will not get over some people I have lost, and just live with it.

There is a dialogue in the movie “I know we'll all become somebody, we'll all become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom and dad. Right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I'm here.”

It just made me think. It’s okay that some plans didn’t work out. It’s okay that life took a completely unexpected turn. Things happen for a reason. And in the end everything somehow turns okay. Even if right now it feels like life will never ever get any better, come on, it has to. Life still is beautiful, with endless possibilities spread out before you. It is exciting. You don’t know what is going to happen. You don’t know who or where you are going to be. This is really the time to make it all happen. We cannot choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from here, right?

It’s not too late for anything. I need to find my way. I need to step up to things. Accept my mistakes. Move past them. Maybe life has a different plan. There is another world. A better world, waiting for me. There has to be. And what will I do? I will keep all the memories deep inside me, close to me. I will just embrace life, and walk towards it. That’s my plan, for now.

“The scent of a flower,

The colours of the morning,

Friends to believe in,

Tears soon forgotten,

See how the rain drives away, another day.”

                                                                            --Dusk, by the Genesis