MY BEST FRIEND.. who I loved, and lost.

 THE LAST WORD

I still remember that short, fair, spectacled girl who came to our school in the 11^th grade. She was subdued, shy, and quiet and she would always sit at the exact same spot with the same girl as her partner every single day. Maryam Salman came all the way from Muscat to this little place and clearly had a lot of problems adjusting to her new life. No one in class used to talk to her much because they all thought she was a nerd. For one whole year we were non-existent for each other.

And then, one fine day, in the 12^th standard, on an impulse I sat next to her. And from that day forward, things just.. changed! We began to talk and I realized how wrong people were about her, she was a total non-nerd! We hit it off from the first day and the seat next to her became my permanent and favorite seat till the very last day of school.

I loved how kiddish she was, just like me, and that she was into books and movies and music, just like me, and she was crazy and cute and funny, just like me! In fact, we were so similar that sometimes we would say or do the exact same things in perfect unison! We had even made a list of the ‘Similar things’ we used to do.

She made this little poem for me, which I really used to find hilarious:

“Astha, Astha have some pasta,

Go to hell and forget the raasta!”

Both of us were total Linkin Park fanatics and knew all their songs by heart. We could listen to and sing their songs the entire day without faltering even once (not even at the complex parts). We would drool over our joint-crush, Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park and would talk about him and fantasize about him to extremes none could ever imagine! We even wrote a story about Chester, Mike and me during our classes; of which we were totally proud. Sometimes we would go into irrepressible convulsions of laughter whenever we were together; while at other times we would share our darkest and deepest of secrets and fears. A couple of months before our Board exams, our classes were mostly all over and we were free to do whatever we wanted to. We had found this perfect spot; it was beyond our school field besides the graveyard. It had a ditch nearby and we used to call it the ‘Pit of Acheron’. We would sit there, for hours and hours together, talking, listening to songs, writing, reading (we never studied, and mostly we just yakked away). We used to live in our own little world, oblivious to everything else around us. Being with her, I was blissfully happy and without a doubt, she had become my bestest friend forever.

She used to call me ‘Squixie’ because she used to say I look like a squirrel. I could talk to her about everything and anything, anywhere and anyhow. I was completely myself with her and never had to put up a facade of any kind. We used to talk for hours on the phone and before hanging up, we would always go like this: “Okay, bye, take care, love you, miss you, study well, all the best, bye, everything everything, myly, xoxo, bye, bye, take care, love you, everything, ua ua ua ua!” and would go into fits of laughter again!

(I should clarify here that ‘myly’ stands for “miss you love you” and ‘xoxo’ means “hugs and kisses”.)

I should also clarify that both of us are straight!

Everyday and every moment spent with her was special but there is one day I can never forget and I know even she can’t. The day was just, too perfect; it was one of the happiest days of my life. It was 7^th of November, two days before my birthday. While the drills and races were taking place, we were wandering around the school premises and we came across this beautiful place. It was quiet and peaceful there. And I remember just sitting there with her, listening to our favorite songs, one plug in one of our ears, feeling the breeze blowing against our faces. It was amazing. We even carved out our names on one of the walls there. (It’s still there by the way; I went to see it last month.) When it got dark we went toward the crowds to see what was happening and we saw everybody was cheering and enjoying the ‘Gymnastics on Wheels’ show that we have every year in school. We stood there, cheering and hooting with everybody; when suddenly, they played one of our favorite songs ‘Numb’ on the loudspeakers! Both of us looked at each other and SCREAMED at the top our lungs, jumping, singing along, clapping, laughing and hugging each other again and again while the others looked at us as if we’ve lost it, for good! That moment, that was the moment when I was truly, wonderfully, absolutely blissful. She was the one who made me feel that way.

School wasn’t school without her and we always seemed to have SO much to share with each other. Like we could just talk and talk and talk non stop.

There are so many incidents I can mention, the school picnic, the time she won the debate and we celebrated, the way we used to sit and have our lunches together, the time we went to this school fete and sat on all the rides, the way she used to explain things to me and the way we used to make other feel better when one of us was feeling lousy, my birthday party (where we danced like crazy on LP for more than 10 min). I was so close to her that I never thought I’d be myself if I ever lose her. We were soul mates.

But today, she doesn't want to talk to me. After our Board exams, some misunderstandings cropped between us. I don’t even know what exactly happened, but apparently I hurt her deeply. I hurt her and I didn’t even realize it. She went back to Muscat and we didn’t speak for a long, long time. When she did come back, I knew something was wrong and that she had changed. She moved to Delhi for graduation whist I stayed back here.

She never tried to contact me again, she wanted to forget me and move on. She told me that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore because she can’t be what she used to be with me and she loves me too much to hurt me. At first I didn’t understand, I was hurt, angry, confused, infuriated and did not understand why she would do such a thing. I cried over it, hurt and miserable. But after a lot of thinking, I finally think I’ve understood.

It’s okay if she doesn’t want to talk. I shouldn’t worry about it; because that is what makes her happy. I'm sure she has her reasons and if I look from her perspective, it would all make sense to me. I can’t be selfish and demand her to talk to me. I’m sad that it’s over, but I’m glad that it happened. I’m grateful I came across her; I’m thankful she befriended me and loved me so selflessly. I know things got screwed up somewhere, but even the thought of the moments spent with her, fills my heart with warmth and my eyes with tears. I miss her, terribly, but I’m all right now. If you’re reading this Maryam, by any chance, I want you to know I have no hard feelings against you and that you will be etched into my memory forever and will always and always be my BFF.

This is something that she wrote in my diary when we were departing, when we met for the last time:

“There’s no time left now, is there Astha? No time to do those things we wanted to. No time to finish all the things we left unfinished. No time to fill up another dialogue copy. No time to sing, no time to fill up the song diary, no time to finish our ‘story’, no time to Chester-around, no time to pass comments on Bhaturia’s microscopic blouses, no time to make long faces during Math classes, no time to run across the campus holding hands, no time to sit together and talk, no time to kiss dragonfly-Chester, no time to make fun of all the so-not-Chester-guys, no hogging Priyanka’s tiffin, no wearing those shoes and that scraggly ribbon, no time to sit in the warm winter sun, no school. What will I do? What? How will we go to the Pit of Acheron? The beautiful place? Library? 7^th A classroom? Canteen?

I know that you’re going to be a great successful girl Astha. You do have a really bright future. Don’t mess it by holding on to the things that have passed by. Cherish it, yes, but don’t let it hinder your steps. You’ll grow out of it. Stand up to the world and face it. Let’s face it together Astha, holding hands, let’s be humble about it. Let’s look into the horizon together, let’s fly high, and soar into the sky as far as our wings can take us. Let’s make our lives what we dream them to be.”

I just want you to know: Thanks for all those wonderful moments; thank you for giving me another reason to be happy and grateful, even if it was for a short while :)

I love you and you will never ever be forgotten.

It's A Wonderful Life!

Some days back, I was depressed and had no idea why. Actually, I did, sort of. I knew the stupid little reasons which had dampened my spirit but I couldn’t fathom why they would make me feel so pathetic. I felt wretched and I was depressed. I wouldn’t say it was a ‘I-just-wanna-die’ depression, but more of a ‘go-away-and-let-me-stay-under-my-covers’ one.

Maybe subconsciously, I knew what was bothering me but I couldn’t really pin point it out. Or possibly I just didn’t want to accept it. Whatever the case was, for days I just stayed at home, missed college for a couple of days, wept like a crybaby and mostly just slept. Every little problem that I was facing seemed to magnify and I felt as if nothing is right anymore. It’s like sometimes things just happen one after the other and you feel as if you just going to explode if one more thing goes wrong. That’s why I just went into this morbid state and locked myself up and tried to sleep it off.

Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong in crying and letting your emotions out, but it was getting too much and it was getting on to my nerves. So, I made conscious efforts to make myself feel better.

I called up a friend and went out with her, I talked to my mom, I watched a movie, I went out for a walk listening to my favorite songs. And slowly, I started feeling better and soon enough; I was back to my usual self. And I realized how brainless I was, being all morose and brooding over nothing. I also came to the conclusion that every problem in the world had a solution, we just need to think it over. And even if there isn’t a solution, there is no reason to fret and worry and cry over it, we just have to learn how to accept and be happy!

Because I was feeling so positive about life, I decided to do something. I’ve written 20 reasons why I love my life! I don’t know when I will start wallowing in my own little ‘tragedies’ again, so maybe reading his would make me feel better! Sooo, here goes:

1.  I love the way when my mom is scolding me for something (mostly for not cleaning my room or not getting up on time), I grab her and hug her and she hugs me back and lovingly gives me a whack on the head! I love it when she makes me roll on the floor laughing when she starts doing those funny things she sometimes does!

2.  I lovvvve it when it rains and I go out and get absolutely        soaked to the skin and then later dry myself up and demand for pakoras and tea!

3.  I love the way I go nuts talking nonsense and laughing my ass off whenever I’m with my sister. And they way I feel when she hugs me every time before she leaves.

4.  I LOVE it when I’m snuggled up in my covers during those long winter nights listening to my favorite songs and getting lost in my own dreams and fantasies.

5.  I love it when I stay up all night reading an enthralling book and don’t even mind feeling groggy the next day in class because it was worth every minute!

6.  I love the way my dad shakes his head and sings along (and mom rolls her eyes) when a song of his choice starts to play on the radio in the car on one of out family outings!

7.  I love to know that whenever I’m feeling moody or low, someone is always there to put a smile on my face.

8.  I lourrrve the feeling I get when I have a long, satisfying, meaningful conversation with a close friend.

9.  I love the fact that when I’m with my best friend, we’re so comfortable, even silence doesn’t seem awkward.

10. I love it when I go completely crazy laughing uncontrollably with my friends and when every stupid thing seems hilarious!

11. I love the fact that I can watch movies back to back into the weeee hours of the night and then help myself to a midnight snack!

12. I love the feeling I get when I associate a particular song to a particular person\memory\time\place.

13. I love the way I call my friends up during those never-ending stressful exam days for ‘saantvana’ and then end up making plans about what we’d do during vacations!

14. I love doing NOTHING. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Just sitting still, staring off into space.. or just thinking, about nothing in particular.

15. I love the way we make last-second plans to bunk classed and go out to grab a bite. Also, passing notes in class and pouncing on each other’s tiffins after the very first lecture!

16. I love the way it feels when I just sit alone on my terrace, or when I go for a walk on a breezy evening, reminiscing and smiling to myself.

17. I love it when my granddad tells me some historical story (although 90% of the time he would’ve already narrated it to me before) when we all have lunch together.

18. I love it when all of us sit in the bedroom inside out quilts when it’s cold and TALK; or maybe watch TV and munch on peanuts and dry fruits.

19. I love talking to my bro about our childhood (which was the BEST phase of my life.. ever) and reliving all the games we used to play (Barbie-Spiderman-He-Man!) and how we used to fight over toys!

20. Finally, I love my life because I love myself! Despite all my imperfections, I’m a perfectly lovable creature and people lourve me! :P

I have numerous other reasons I can mention here, but I guess this entry is long enough already. Also, because I’m going to turn twenty next month (sigh, that’s right), I think it is fitting if I restrict this list to 20 reasons.

It’s an exhilarating feeling to feel happy and grateful about life!

You should try it too!