Friday, January 25, 2013


“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be.

The quote is from the movie The Perks of being a Wallflower, and I can relate to it so well right now. I LOVED the movie. Before I watched it, it seemed to be like a regular high school movie, except that it wasn’t. And it has a beautiful soundtrack. I’ve been listening to Heroes by David Bowie since I saw it (‘The Tunnel song’) and my head is swimming with so many thoughts.

I am 22. I’ve always wanted to be 22 since I was a kid. 22 always felt like the most fun age. The ideal age. Not only is 22 my second favourite number, but this is where I always wanted to be! This. Right here. It is like a big cross I had made on the map of my life and I am standing right on top of it. But I realized I had forgotten all about it. I find myself so busy lamenting over my past or worrying about my future that I end up feeling really morbid all the time. I am 22 and I feel like sleeping for a thousand years. I feel like not being aware of the fact that I exist for a while. Till it all gets better. How did it all become so haywire? What happened to my ‘living in the moment’ plan? What happened to all my plans in fact? Wait, did I even have any plans?

Recently one of my most admired teachers randomly walked up to me and said “You’re not alright in life, are you? You’ve lost the twinkle in your eyes. I know something is wrong.” And I was speechless. She had noticed? Is it that apparent? And since then I have been questioning myself. Why? How? I am only 22! I’m still in the phase of my life where I can fix things for myself. I should be able to get over stuff. I need to admit it that I am human, and I am stupid and that I hurt people. And I need to learn from that. I need to grow. I need to accept the fact that I will not get over some people I have lost, and just live with it.

There is a dialogue in the movie I know we'll all become somebody, we'll all become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom and dad. Right now these moments are not stories, this is happening. I'm here.”

It just made me think. It’s okay that some plans didn’t work out. It’s okay that life took a completely unexpected turn. Things happen for a reason. And in the end everything somehow turns okay. Even if right now it feels like life will never ever get any better, come on, it has to. Life still is beautiful, with endless possibilities spread out before you. It is exciting. You don’t know what is going to happen. You don’t know who or where you are going to be. This is really the time to make it all happen. We cannot choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from here, right?

It’s not too late for anything. I need to find my way. I need to step up to things. Accept my mistakes. Move past them. Maybe life has a different plan. There is another world. A better world, waiting for me. There has to be. And what will I do? I will keep all the memories deep inside me, close to me. I will just embrace life, and walk towards it. That’s my plan, for now.

“The scent of a flower,
The colours of the morning,
Friends to believe in,
Tears soon forgotten,
See how the rain drives away, another day.”
                                                                            --Dusk, by the Genesis


  1. I have read the book. I am yet to watch the movie.
    Curse them for not releasing it in India x-(

    It's awesome :). Everyone can relate to it. And yes, what you said is very true. There is a dialog in Kung Fu Panda 2 (Yeah,I just love animated films :D)

    "Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but it doesn't make you who you are, it is the rest of your story, who you choose to be"

    Stay Blessed ^_^

    1. I have read a bit of the book and some of the quotes are so beautiful! :')
      And I downloaded the movie and watched; can't wait for movies to get released! You should watch!

      I LOVE animated movies. They make more sense than 'real' movies sometimes. I love Kung Fu Panda, and the quote you shared. Thank you :)

  2. I have not yet watched the movie but the book was beautiful. Took a lot of time to sink in.
    I loved your blogpost because it is full of hope. You don't want to resign to the fate. Thats what is beautiful :)

    1. Thank you Aqsa :) I'm going to read the book as well.

  3. I desperately want to watch that movie, just couldn't yet :/
    This seems to be a rather emotional stage for you, right now. I haven't reached my 'ideal age' yet, but your post sort of gives an almost relatable idea to how I'd feel when I'd reach your position. And this was also very encouraging. We all manage to get ruined and lose hope once a while, but yes, life is beautiful indeed. And we have a whole lifetime to enjoy it. :)

    1. Thank you for stopping by, songbird. I guess this is the age when everybody feels more or less the same. We all go through rough patches, but we all need to learn how to deal with them :/ It's just too overwhelming sometimes.

      Went through your blog. Some nice posts there! Keep writing :)

  4. Ok, happy birthday.
    There are times when everything seems to be out of proportion. All I can say is hang on. And you know everything will make sense, a pattern. And you will look back and think this boulder on the hindsight doesn't seem as big now as it seemed when I was dealing with it ;)

    1. Hey Kshipra! It isn't my birthday, I just kind of suddenly realized I am 22 :O :P

      I am hanging on, trust me, I am. I am desperately waiting for some sense to dawn onto me. For the pattern. I hope what you say is true! Thanks :)

  5. it never ceases to amaze me how you can write so much and always be so consistently good, the topic notwithstanding. :)
    well, smart people have had their say. time for a rather dumb guy to talk to you. a friend once said he wished he could go back in time to those carefree, innocent happy days. to which another friend replied, why don't you go forward in time instead and look back at this moment and realise it for what it's worth.
    the sentence probably had deeper meanings that my subconscious loved and related to than my limited articulation can explain to you. if i was any good, i'd probably be a "guru" by now. :) wishing you a long long long chain of good things...

    1. El, I read your comment in my mail in the morning, and I kept smiling throughout the day. Honest! It's such a wonderful thought your friend shared. I felt so much better. Thanks you self-deprecating-little-silent-reader-and-an-amazingly-brilliant-writer-yourself!

      You don't write very often but when you do, you floor me every time! You have a gift! Write more often? :)
      As far as my writing is concerned, I seriously don't know if it's good or not, I just let it flow. It helps me feel at peace. Thanks for stopping by :)

    2. mmm i'm glad it did you good :) and paraphrasing Eric Clapton, "let it flow...let it flow. let it blossom let it flow..." cos you have so many thirsty readers!
      i'm working on a story these days. posted the rough draft of the first four chapters on my blog. hope you read it. but i can't think of an ending that isn't cliched, boring or predictable. not yet anyhow. an tell En to write more often too!
      keep the ink flowing!


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