Happy (Colon Capital) D!

Lately I’ve been kind of an eccentric recluse. Haven’t been talking to anyone much and haven’t been in the highest spirits as well. I have this feeling like I don’t connect with people anymore. Either I’m too crazy for them to get me; or, er, no, that’s it. I’m too crazy for them to get me.

I feel like they’re not going to understand the mad, bizarre, peculiar thoughts my whacky brain is capable of thinking about. And like, they’re going to lose their weird nature if they’re shared. Sometimes I just get mad looking at how happy they are, mostly. And then I think, why is it so hard for me to be happy?

The answer came to me today. You have to make efforts to be happy and even more efforts to remain happy. In normal circumstances, humans have a natural tendency to revert back into a depressed state. Much like, how water turns to room temperature. It’s so easy to be sad; but it’s difficult to laugh at your problems.

I had planned to spend Diwali in my room reading a book because I don’t like the smoke and the.. OK FINE! I’M SCARED of the bombs! They make me jump like little parakeets on a trampoline! What’s with all the noise man?! But my little cousins dragged me outside and voila! Everything was beautiful! Lit up, bright, happy, vibrant! And there was a nice gathering of my family and other relatives.

See, I’m no big fan of some people in my family, but on occasions like these, you tend to forget all your differences and problems and just get together and have fun. We burst crackers, ran about, jumped over charkhis and cheered at the anaars. Later I went to the terrace to witness the majestic view of the sky emblazoned with a never-ending cornucopia of colourful firecrackers. And now my folks are playing teen patti! 

At these family gatherings, amidst the teasing and the laughter; amidst the food and the photo sessions; amidst the generation gaps and the carefree banter; I sometimes look around me and get this warm feeling in my belly. Boy, am I glad to have these people in my life. They’re family. I’ll always have these people around; who will not let me feel lonely at events like these.

From frolicking around with the kids and feeling like a silly little girl, to having discussions with the elders, made me feel like I’m in such a perfect stage of my life. I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun on a festive occasion. It has been a good, good, good Diwali! 

Down is, definitely, the new up

I’m sitting on my PC after very long. I can smell the pleasantly delectable smell of the suji-besan ka halwa mom is preparing. I’m wearing a red and blue salwar kurta with blue jeans. The house is decorated with flowers and lit up with bright, twinkling lights. I’ve played my most favourite hindi songs of all times (Rang de Basanti, RHTDM, Dil Chahta Hai, Dil Se) It makes me gloomy in a weirdly content way.

It reminds me of a time gone by. A time that was too precious and too good to be true, before it went awry. I guess I’ve reached the phase when the profound pain is turning into a dull ache which kind of eases my nerves. It sounds highly twisted, this statement. It’s true. I’m waiting for it to fade away; and I know it will. What will remain will be a set of numb, distant, faraway memories which might even just make me laugh at the thought of how hopelessly naïve I used to be. It might also make me cry to think of how blissfully and unnaturally perfect my world felt. Or it might just make me smile, thinking about all those momenst, which had a big role to play in moulding me into what I am today. (Which is a depressed wuss, if truth be told)

As of now, I’m happy to be feeling this way. Maybe this is my transition phase. The indifferent, dejected mood makes me feel peaceful. It’s like how your tooth used to hurt just before it used to fall out. I know exactly what Jon Foreman means when he sings

“I find peace when I’m confused. I find hope when I’m let down.” And this confused, mixed, perplexed, misunderstood, hurtful feeling is what makes me feel sane sometimes. It makes me feel human.

‘Luka Chupi’ is playing now. It makes me cry usually. Right now though, I’m smiling.

"When I go forwards, you go backwards
And somewhere we will meet"

Happy Diwali :)