You never think, or you never hope at least, that it would happen to you. Except when it does. Your mind goes into this unfocused, deplorable, demonic state and you achieve an inexplicable pleasure in being miserable. You like it when you’re lonely, you like it when sleep eludes you every night and you’re in this hazy, cloudy stupor; reminiscing and pondering over the absurdity and the tragedy of it all.
It’s a condition when you couldn’t care less about self-hygiene or the fact that your hair literally makes you look ghoulish. It’s a state when every second of every day feels like a hangover after a ghastly bout of a drinking spree. You think, and you rethink, and you reconsider and you wish and you hope and you pray and you long and you want and you plead and you crave to such an extent that it becomes impossible to ignore the voices in your head. It’s a loud cacophony, accompanied by images of the past whizzing round and round and round in your head like a movie; until the fine thread that separates consciousness and unconsciousness slowly dissolves and you feel like you’re drowning. You’re enmeshed into a trap of your own beguiling dreams; with monsters screaming and loathing and cursing and tormenting you.
It leads to a strange asphyxiation; and despite yourself, something inside flails itself all around, trying to break free, to get some air. And yet, even under that claustrophobic pressure, you cannot move a muscle.
You walk around like you’re carrying a huge burden on your chest, only to realize it is something you’d have to carry for a long way to come. You laugh with your friends, your heart flutters for a brief period of time, greedy, lustful, and holding on to every sign of warmth and affection. Realizing soon after, that it has rebounded, with double the amount of force.
People talk, cars whiz by, morning turns to night, the clock ticks away; until it all happens so fast and so at once that everything seems to be a blur.
You want to cry out, you want there to be some way, some solution, some answer. But strangely, you can’t, you’re unable to, because you’re standing in a vacuum. Where there is nobody, no sound, not even air to breathe. It slithers all around you, like a grotesque slimy reptile and chokes you, until you have no other way but to let it all out. Every emotion, every tiny speck of despair, of pain, of sorrow, of anguish comes onto the surface until your tears dry themselves out, your head clears up a little and your mind gives way to exhaustion, and finally, to sleep. The demons are finally quiet.
It’s 3:00 AM. The beginning of another day.