My number one girl.

"Childhood is measured by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows."

It was a time of Dexter’s laboratory and Falguni Pathak songs on TV. It was a time of going to school half sleeping in the auto and fighting about who will have the remote control while coming back. It was a time of buying the coolest school bags and raincoats. Of stitching Barbie doll dresses and drawing our favourite cartoon characters on greeting cards. It was a time of Enid Blyton novels and saving pocket money to buy ice-cream from the Madhu ice-cream vendor every evening. Of hiding in cardboard cartons for hours and BOO-ing at passers-by, and buying the perfect pichkaaris for Holi. It was a time of hide-and-seek, Coat piece, Business King, Contra, killing Shredder in the Ninja turtles, watching BBQ, Dragon Ball Z, The Bold and The Beautiful, and Baywatch. Where did those days go?

She was my first friend when I was growing up. She came to my rescue when I was bullied by fat girls in school and she was always there when I needed money for ice cream. She took me back to my class safely when I went to her class bawling because I thought that my entire class had ‘disappeared’. She submitted all my leave applications to the Principal’s office because I was too scared to do it myself, and she always gave a call home when I forgot to get my bag to school. She helped me mug up the paryaayvaachi shabd before my Hindi exam and she always decorated and wrote the headings for all my school projects in attractive italics. She screamed at me whenever I was stupid, and as we all know, she has a very low tolerance level for stupidity. She covered up for me when I got low marks and she always introduced me to her friends. Trotting behind her hurriedly as we walked inside the school gates, and always, always looking back once more and waving that one extra ‘bye’ before we went to our respective buildings had become almost essential. I would feel so happy whenever I saw her with her big group of friends in school. I would show her off to all my friends. “You see her? Yes, that’s my didi.” I still remember what she looked like back then. Tall, slightly buck-toothed, silent, composed; wearing round golden earrings and a red ribbon in her high ponytail.

I hated her as we grew up. She was mean and she yelled at me a little too often. She said the most spiteful things and we fought almost every day. I was not exactly an angel myself; probably was a shrilly, irritating little tattletale. We usually had physical brawls, which pretty much ended the same way. With me wailing at the top of my lungs till I got the satisfaction of mom scolding her, and she passing rude, nasty comments to me for the next few days. I still remember how once she dug her nails into my skin and I showed the marks to everyone for the next week. Worse, once she was running after me to give me a good beating, and I closed the door on her face; resulting into a small injury in her eyebrow. That small little gap is still there, and will always be there, reminding her of our unpleasant childhood scuffles :)

We bonded when I matured a little. She told me about her secrets and I told her about my crushes. I began to like her for who she was as a person and even wrote this in her slam book once “Please don’t be cutta with me for whatever I say because I’ll always be sorry.” :P She continued to roar and growl at me on a regular basis, but we really grew on each other. She introduced me to Enigma, Britney, Shakira, Enrique, Westlife, BSB and I spent hours writing all the lyrics down so that we’d be able to sing them together. (She was really bad at learning lyrics. Still is) She wouldn't start studying before killing all the mosquitoes mercilessly and she hated everyone when it was too hot. She read all my childhood stories infested with grammatical and spelling mistakes with a lot of enthusiasm and always encouraged me to write further. She always had that one last bite of Maggi from my plate even though she knew how much I hated it :)

She fought with me when I made the biggest blunders of my life. I never realized then, but now I do. I should have listened to her then. I wish we hadn’t drifted apart for all those months, until it was too late. Until she was gone for MBA. Better late than never though, I have finally realized it. She was only looking out for me. And her way of showing that she cares is not being an overly affectionate big sister, but being a hard, strong teacher.

My didi, who always picked my clothes out for me when we shopped, and showed me how to colour inside the lines, and who hugged me tightly whenever she heard me crying softly in bed, and who always gets me the most wonderful gifts every time she meets me, is getting married. Yes, you heard me. That girl, who I have seen grow up before my eyes. The girl who had major temper issues, who had terrifying arguments with mom and dad. The headstrong girl, with a lot of dreams inside her, has finally become an independent, fully grown-up woman.

I cannot believe she is getting married. Married?! Where did those days go? Those never-ending laughing sessions. The studying together during exams, and her sending me off to make tea and then asking me to wake her up after half an hour. The long, long, conversations that would outgrow the night and we would be in splits on the floor. The times I missed her when she stayed in her locked room, talking on the phone. The times when I was jealous and proud of her at the same time. The times when she woke me up by trying out something innovative each morning and the hysterical laughing sessions looking at each other’s ponytails in the morning. The naming all our toys and throwing parties to celebrate their birthdays. Cycling in our lane, skating on our porch, going out for Big Bun's burgers, MKOP's truffle, Bhagat's bhalla...

Where did the carefree pasta-making, movies-watching, song-singing, dancing-for-no-reason days go? It seems like only yesterday when she would hold my hand and take me to summer hobby classes and swimming lessons.

Though we are completely different people in every way, I still smile when people say we look like twins, or when they point out that the way we speak and laugh is similar. She has always been my strength. She has always, always been there. She listened to me when I called her up crying in the middle of the night during my existential crisis phases. And she always rolled her eyes when I told her how and why my life couldn't be better.

Didoo, I know after reading this post you are probably going to say “Nautanki!” but I really, really want you to know. I love you. And I’m sorry if I’ve never been appreciative enough, if I’ve never made it clear. You know what an idiotic emotional wimp I am. Our conversation in Baroda made me realize you cared about me as much as I cared about you. It’s just that you are not that expressive enough. But I have always loved you. How could I not? You were always there, supporting me, providing me a cushion that I could always fall back upon. And being a witness and a partner to all my craziness.

You actually are getting married. (Good lord!) I’m so happy you’re marrying someone you love and someone who loves you back. I hope you have an amazing life ahead. I hope you get what you’ve always dreamed of. I know all about them :) You’re my number one inspiration, my number one best friend and one of my most favourite people in the world. You’re my number one girl.

Come soon so I can see you make that typical expression of yours that I know you’re making right now :)

P.S. You know what? You’re going to be a bride :O :)

(Didoo and me, 1994)

(Didoo and me, 2011)

Great balls of fire!

I attended a rock concert today! Well, um, almost :P Let me say that, will you? It sounds so much cooler that way :D One of my closest friends in college and his band gave a public performance today. This was their first show outside our college and I was so, so proud of them. They mostly sang Rockstar songs and the crowd went crazy cheering and hooting during ‘Naadaan Parindey’. (It is a beautiful song with stunning lyrics and if you tell me you don’t listen to Hindi music because you’re too cool for it, I’ll box your face and smash your nose)

I can imagine how they’d have felt, up there on the stage, performing, witnessing so many people, friends, familiar faces, strangers, clapping and screaming for them. It was an amazing experience. We went in a big group and hollered their names out aloud! Nothing like a group of friends getting together to motivate another set of friends!

Oh, I have finally finished reading Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind! God's nightgown! I now realize why it is a classic and a massive hit. I can’t believe this book was written in the 1930's. It sounds so modern, so young and fresh. Books like these increase your perspective about historical events on a whole new level. I had very little knowledge about the Civil War; but only after reading this did I realize the pain, terror, consternation people had to go through. How African Americans were slaves and were so content with being just that. How people killed and massacred and sacrificed so many lives fighting over something that seems so insignificant once the war is over and the dead bodies are counted.

Although the story wasn’t about the Civil war; it was about the mean-spirited, hypocritical Scarlett O’Hara! Oh, what a lovable little hateful creature! :D Never have I read a book where the protagonist is so terribly flawed and yet she manages to convince the readers that her actions were justified. That she was only human, and that all of us have all these character flaws within us and sometimes we have to be horrid and insensitive just to get by. She was so fussy and immature that she was hilarious at times; with her tantrums and outbursts. Guess what my new favourite expressions are? Without a doubt, “Fiddle dee dee!”, “God’s nightgown!” and “Great balls of fire”. I love them so much, that I have even started using them in my daily conversation! (with people looking at me with amused bewilderment, passing it off as another one of my quirks)

And.. Rhett Butler. Oh, my my my. Rhett Bulter. What an incredible name! *swoon* He is easily the dream man for every woman. He is delightfully sarcastic, evidently masculine, dangerously charming and just the right about of mockful and witty. The sophisticated manner with which he carries himself, the fact that he doesn’t care about what anyone says about him, and the fact that he reads Scarlett like a book.. make him one of the most intriguing characters I’ve ever come across in any work of fiction so far. He comes almost at par with Darcy and Roark. Though, Roark was a little too weird for my taste. It's not just like a regular love story set in disturbing war times. It is highly convoluted, with conflicting, raw human emotions and a lot of twisting complications. It even ends realistically, leaving you with a not-so-happy feeling; and wondering what would happen next.

I saw the movie as well. It is very well made, with Vivien Leigh playing the snooty Scarlett almost perfectly.  I love the way she goes “Oh Rhett, Ohhh Rhett!” :P I’ve been imitating that all day. Damn, I can be so amazing at theatre. I just know it. I feel that Edith Piaf's 'La Vie en Rose' would have gone perfectly for the theme of the movie. But I’m sorry, the book is infinitely better than the movie; even though they tried to include all the details in it. The book is always, always better and if you give me a 100 mark essay to write on why movies are better than the books, I won’t be able to squeeze out a word.

(I think it's a remarkable poster of Scarlet and Rhett amidst the burning city of Atlanta. You? :))

You will scream if I tell you what the time is. Er, at least my mom would. She is going to skin me alive. Oh fiddle dee dee, it’s okay, tomorrow is a holiday! Good times! :)

The Elephant Man

Don't you just hate it when you get a gross pimple on your face? Somewhere prominent, like on your nose or above your lip? Don't you hate the way people react? How ashamed you feel and how many things you try to get rid of it. Now imagine, if your entire body was like one big pimple, only much, much worse and painful. What would it be like, to be an abomination of nature? To be ugly beyond mere ugliness, with no fault of yours?

I happened to see David Lynch’s ‘The Elephant Man’ tonight. What a movie! It’s a true story based on the life of John Merrick, a severely deformed man as a result of his mother getting mauled by an elephant while he was still in the womb.

Doctor Treves, a surgeon at the London Hospital first spots John at a carnival, being exposed and exhibited as a freak by an abusive, cold man. He offers to examine him and brings him to his hospital; at first assuming that he probably is an imbecile, but realizes later what an admirable, intelligent and a sensitive man he really is. Because he is so grotesquely distorted, people run away from him in terror, look at him with disgust and laugh and make fun of him. He always has to wear a hood when out in public. Dr. Treves, played remarkably by Anthony Hopkins, proves to be kind enough to realize the man beneath the hideous skin abnormalities and becomes his friend.  It’s the story of the journey of John Merrick, from the brutal beatings in the rusty dungeons of a carnival, to elite tête-à-têtes with high dignitaries and going to the theatre with the Princess of Wales.

Little things have been paid attention to in the movie, playing with human emotions, and making the audience’s hearts leap out of their chests to hug John Merrick despite his obvious repulsiveness. It makes you wonder what life would be if you had a similar fate. If you were scorned and jeered and spat upon simply because of a physical malfunction which you had no control over. What can mere misfortune do to people. It helps you realize what such people go through and would perhaps change your attitude towards them. If you usually cry in movies, then be prepared with a big box of tissues when you’re watching this one. It’s not for the faint-hearted, like me. Seldom do movies manage to touch me this much, but this one did. One hundred percent and more. It’s truly a masterpiece and I admire the makers of this movie to portray human sentiments and ruthlessness in such a convincing and raw manner.

I respect them for taking care of every miniscule thing and working so very hard to get the make-up and costumes right. The make-up of the Elephant man took SEVEN hours every time it was applied. Can you imagine the amount of patience and hard work?!

Definitely one of my favourite movies so far. If you like true stories, especially the ones that throw light on human psychology, then this movie is for you. 

"'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man."

 —poem used by Joseph Merrick to end his letters.

How is your life today?

Beautiful people of the world! :D

Guess what happened today? I received my first ever Blog award! It’s given to me by Jen, a recent follower and a fellow blogger! I’ve read only a few of your posts Jen, but I loved them! :) Thank you! You’re a peach! :D

The timing couldn’t have been better! This is my 100^th post! Weeeeeeeeee! Bloggie hits a century!! I can’t believe it! Have I really written a hundred blog posts? Seems huge! I love blogging so much I’m almost addicted to it now. I’m not complaining! Sniff :’) It’s a big moment for me and my blog. Two great things happened on the same day!

I.. I would like to thank my mom, dad, sister, teachers, friends, fellow bloggers MYSELF! Muhaahahahahaa! 

Anyway, the rules of receiving an award are:

• Link back to the person who gave you the award.       
• Pick 5 people deserving of the award and notify them on their blogs.      
• Post the award on your blog and spread the love.

And the five people I’m going to pick who deserve this award are:

1.      Em and En dying to say (Because she was one of my first few followers and I love and adore her blog with all my heart. Also, because I got to know her and meet her through her blog)

2.       Why is everything four? by Karishma (Because she’s currently my favourite new blogger. She’s a beautiful, beautiful writer and somewhere I feel like she’s the kind of girl I would fall for if she was a guy. Right, enjoy the ego boost! :P)

3.      InsomniaStrikes by PurpleMist (Because I love the colour and because she reminds me of myself in a lot of ways)

4.     Muse-ment  by Tangerine (Because her blog is fun and vibrant and just the right amount of cool)

5.    Living is a one-way street! by Sakshi (Because she’s my sishtooo! And because she writes so well. And because her blog needs to be updated! Please do NOT delete it!)

Phew, there! I feel so good spreading all this lourrve :D

I’ve realized that you constantly have to push yourself to happiness. There is so much to life. You cannot stay unhappy. You can’t.

And when you start going down that way, remember this “If you want to be happy, be." – Leo Tolstoy. Isn’t it amazing? Doesn’t it put a smile to your face instantly? :)

And if even this doesn’t help, go and listen to this! I've been singing it all day (And boy, I sound good :P)

I dare you to be upset after this.

And if you're still upset, go see a shrink wouldja?!

P.S. Thank you again Jen! :D

*I received an awaaaaaaaard*
 *doing the hula* :D

A healthy dose of happiness enclosed within a manila envelope :)

Frankly speaking, I’m not very big on Valentine’s day. I feel that it’s become too.. forceful. I mean, sure, it’s a day to express your “lourve” and all; but why do you need to constrict it to just one day? Why only 14^th of Feb to celebrate love? It has become more of a compulsion than a joy. Couples know that they must give each other red roses, and boxes of chocolates or mushy cards or jewellery to prove that they love each other. I was that girl once :\

But they have commercialized it so much and have overhyped it to the extent that it does not excite me anymore. It’s overrated. So this year, I just thought of it as just another day and did not give it much thought. I should have.

Yesterday I received one of the best surprises I’ve received in a lifetime. I was out when my bro texted me “You have a courier”. The whole time while coming back I was dying with excitement. I’d guessed who it was from. Yep, you guessed it too :) Cheeeeeeeeeee! There I saw it. A faded light blue envelope with my name and address neatly sprawled across it in block letters.

The contents rendered me speechless. One, I was not expecting him to make anything for me. Make as in, get paper, print pictures, cut them, stick them on the paper, and write messages with a blue sketch pen. Two, he made a scrapbook where he pasted a lot of his pictures and put it creatively into a story form and tied it all up with a red ribbon. It was amazing. I don’t remember anyone ever taking so much of trouble to make me anything. It blew my socks off.

Oh!! He also got me Spongebob squarepants erasers! I LOVE Spongebob! And he also wrote a little letter where he mentioned that a 6 year old could have done a better job. Awwww! I’ve been jumping around like a pony on crack all day!

I gave a kickass presentation today, I talked to one of my teachers openly and candidly about something which was eating me for days, and I didn’t even think much about a nightmare that I had last night. I feel awesome. My fingers feel so alive, clickity clacking away on this keyboard. I love the sound that it’s making. I love that I'm on a passionate banana-eating spree and at least assuming that I should have gained a couple of kilos. I love the way I tied my pony today. Hair back with two pins to hold them together. I think I’m looking very cute. And I went into sporadic, uncontainable paroxysms of laughter over a silly thing which now does not sound funny at all. Such are the ramifications of an awesome Valentine’s day unexpected surprise.

I’m so glad I’m a human being and I got to feel this emotion. It’s priceless!

Gotta love Valentine’s day now, eh?

Happy Valentine’s day people! Spread the louuuuuuurrve! :D

Whatever-ness

This post is utterly random and you're free to skip it. 

I’m glum. Glum glum glum glum glum. My V semester results came out today and I’m not happy. I slacked off last semester, when in fact I could have scored much better. What does it even require? A little hard work? A little less sleep? People say that marks don’t really matter later but well they do right now. I’ve always been a slacker. Like, even being here is almost sacrilegious right now. I have assignments, projects, tests and a million things to do. My paper got selected for this conference (I don’t know how) and I have zilch motivation to work for it. Zip. Not even an ounce of enthusiasm. Why? Why am I so…. disinterested and lazy? :\

Even the weather was in sync with my mood. There was absolutely no sunshine the whole day and it got so cloudy and cold we were actually shivering in class. And I was zoning in and out during the lectures. I looked out the window all day, looking at the leaves falling off trees against the red brick wall of the library. It looked pretty. Well, I just came home and let my tear glands do their business. Plop, slosh, sniff, plop. And then I slept after whining and berating myself for well over an hour. It didn’t help. But you know what did help? Calvin and Hobbes! It always comes as a surprise to me how much they crack me up. I read it and I feel like the world is not a scary place, it’s a silly, funny, warm and fuzzy place, you know? Life is so much better when you add a little humour into it. Don't you feel better when somebody makes you burst out laughing when you're crying more than sympathising with you? I want to be the innocent, drawing, painting, voice-recording, random-videos-making, house-playing, Contra-Mario-Toy Story-The Lion King addicted kid again! Waaahaaahaaaa! 

For dinner I made parathas for myself. Yes, you heard me. Believe it baby! And they were eatable. And I used sarson ka tel (mustard oil) to make ‘em. Mustard oil always reminds me of Holi and how mom used to splatter and rub lots of it from our faces and down till our toes so that the colours may come off easily. And the dreadful session when she would use pumice stone and all sorts of things to remove the colour off our multicoloured bodies. And believe me, my mom is not the gentle sorts. (I love mom. I would have paused to go hug her but she is dead asleep) Remind me why I used to play Holi and get myself bullied and targeted and coloured every year? You’d think I’d learn from one year’s experience but I would be as excited to play it every time; all ready and armed with my most advanced pichkaari.

Sigh, those were the days. Okay I sound like an old hag. For the moment, there is one song playing on loop. It goes so well with my mood right now. Evanescence’s 'My Immortal'. It’s beautiful. Sigh.

P.S.

Calvin: It's not fair!

Mom: Life is unfair Calvin.

Calvin: I know but why can't it be unfair in my favour?!

Hehe :)

I need a hug :\

Dear Fifteen-year-old me..

Chee once shared an email with me which talked about a book that was published which contained letters written by celebrities to their sixteen year old selves. They were really funny and gave an insight into how they changed over the years. And now all sixteen year olds are careless and naïve and kind of crazy. Although I’m only(?) 21 right now, I want to write a letter to my fifteen year old self. So, here it goes:

Dear Fifteen-year-old me,

You know what? You’re STUPID. I wish I could go back in time and give you a nice, big whack on your head. Stop caring about how you look and what people think of you. Seriously, no one cares. And it doesn’t matter. Your best friends will hardly care. I know your hormones are surging, and you’re in an all-girls school, but need you behave like that when you see a bunch of cute guys around? Relax, girl. Don’t panic. It’ll pass. It’s temporary.

Please study for your boards. You know you have brains and you just have to apply them. I know that your board exam marks won’t matter in the future and no one is going to be remotely interested in them once you join college, but getting a 90+ will make you feel so much better about yourself. Do not get lost in the world of social networking. It will waste your time and you will read lesser and lesser until you don’t have the patience to finish any book. And that sucks.

Try to judge people better and have the discretion to know who is actually your friend and who only pretends to be. People will use you because you’re so naïve. Do NOT trust people too fast. Do not be lured into a world of ‘going out’ and ‘looking good’ and superficial relationships. Do not try to be cool. It’s overrated. And you’re not very good at it. It's okay to speak your mind and it's good to say no sometimes. Stop taking shit from people. And let go of some people before you realize they weren't worth it.

Know the guy you think you’re in love with? (Of course you do, you’re obsessed with him) Yea well, you don’t. You’re fifteen ! And he doesn’t too. No matter what he says. Realize it sooner or you’re going to cause yourself a lot of mind-numbing, excruciating, soul shattering, heartbreaking pain, remorse, regret and grief. Or you know what, don’t. That relationship is going to make you realize everything you were missing out on and it will make you more careful. It’s going to lead you to find true love when you least expected it.

Read newspapers. Spend more time with your family. Waste less time on the phone. DON’T think about what a certain someone said about you. It’s not true and don’t let it get to you. I know you’re skinny but one day it won’t matter that much. Trust me. I know you fret, worry and cry about little things but you do know how to have a good time. Don’t let that go. Don’t let the innocence fade away. It’s okay to let friendships break. It’s okay to let things go. Good things will come to you. You have an amazing life ahead of you. Make the most of it. And no matter how stupid you are right now, you’re a good girl. I’m going to like you.

Love,

Astha from the future :)