Sunday, May 13, 2012

Tonight I choose to be sad

For all the relationships gone wrong; for all the misunderstandings; for all the broken promises and the failed friendships; for all the things that were never meant to be. For all the times I should have kept in touch but didn’t, all the times I should have called but didn’t and for all the plans that were never implemented. What idiots we all were. We never realized that things change. We never did think where we would be in the ignorance of being happy little kids. When we walked holding hands and snuck our little MP3 players in our pockets, earplugs in each ear, listening to our favourite songs, and when we lay in bed dreaming about the future and when we promised each other that our kids will marry each other. When we walked like old ladies in school, and skipped down staircases, when we wrote stories in college notebooks, when we made French toasts at night. 

How na├»ve we all are. Don’t we know things never remain the same? We sang songs and shared tiffin boxes and shared secrets and poured our hearts out to each other. We thought we would always be best friends, sharing each secret and each incident till we become old and wrinkly. We ran towards each other like lost lovers after a war, squealing and jumping. We talked on the phone for hours and plotted and planned and schemed. We made fun of people, and of each other. We laughed till tears spilled out of our eyes. We loved each other. How stupid were we. We should have known.

Times change. People drift apart. Maybe the only thing that changes is you yourself. Or your own perception about things. And it is okay if it is circumstantial. It is okay to let things go, because it is more painful to hold on to them. If it gave you enough warmth and love and joy to help you survive when you thought you could not cope with your life, then it was worth it all. Every relationship I have ever had has been special to me. I can relate to what Celine says in Before Sunset, I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person has specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.”

I miss the little things about people. I miss insignificant things about them, maybe the way they made a weird sound with their lips or maybe how they squinted in the sun or even the colour of their eyes.
Such silly little children we were when we painted bindis on each other's foreheads and laughed. When we made midnight meals and ate more than we studied. When we got Linkin Park trivia for each other or said that we were soul sisters. Little did we know that relationships are fragile. One slip, and down the rabbit hole they go. So I’m embracing the pain that comes along with losing friends. Morrie said that in order to detach yourself from a feeling, you have to drench yourself with it, dive head in all the way and throw yourself into the emotion instead of holding it back and being afraid of experiencing love or pain or grief. Because once you know you have fully experienced the emotion, you can tell yourself to get away from it. And finally move on.

So this is to all the friends I have ever had. I have never been good at keeping friends but the friends that did matter; I have loved them with all my heart had to give. KK has already put what I'm feeling into a song:

"Chal, sochein kya, choti si hai zindagi.
Kal, mil jaayein, toh hogi khushnaseebi."

So, now, as I move out and go into another world, I would like to express that each one of you were a part of my life. You've all had a role to play and you’ve all shaped me into what I am. I will carry little pieces of you in my heart, recalling only the good times. Times when we were stupid little idiots, without a care in the world. 

P.S. And maybe, just maybe, sit on a sofa again before a Maths exam, staring into space, bobbing our heads to a random song after having eaten a million packets of Blue Lay's.


  1. I love EVERYTHING in this post. You pretty much wrote down a lot of what goes on in my head, I can just never find the words to express stuff like this.

    I don't think I'm good at keeping friends either, I just let them drift apart and push people away :/

    Good luck to you though :)
    It's okay to be sad sometimes.

    1. Thank you :) that's a big compliment. Even you are able to express your thoughts very succinctly :)
      I guess the drifting apart bit happens on its own with time. Pretty much nothing you can do about it. Cest la vie!

  2. This post made my heart ache. The feeling of losing people who you once thought the world of is beyond explanation. The void they leave in your life seems to be one which can never be filled. It feels like a hole in your heart. But I know one thing for sure. No matter how hard you think it is, eventually you DO move on. And find better people who fill those empty spaces in your life. And those are the people who're ACTUALLY here to stay :)

    1. Thank you Ruhani. I feel so successful when I'm able to pass on my feelings to my readers and especially when they are able to relate to what I write. Your comment made me smile. You're right. We do move on and new people, new friends do come along :)

  3. I think this bit is the toughest of our lives - you know that there will come a day when you have to say goodbye to a friend but you choose to live as if it won't. Makes it harder when it does.

    Right now, this very moment, I know that the choices I've made allow me to stay back with my friends and my family for a few more years and I'm grateful that I can. But I'm only delaying the inevitable I think. Also, friends who are leaving now are leaving for good. There is no going back.

    Now onward it is about snatching for ourselves a few days or a few weeks of time for the rest of this lifetime. But maybe, just maybe, when we're 80 and sitting in those comfy chairs, we could still be munching Magic Masala Lay's with our dentures. ;)

    Loved this post, Astha! Makes me want to stop time and fast-forward it at the same time! :)

    1. Karishma, thank you! and lovely comment once again :)
      I've always wanted to fast forward time so badly but now when it's actually passing in front of my eyes, I want to cling on to it some more.
      I just thought of an image of myself old and toothless and having Masala magic Lay's with another toothless oldie and giggled :D

      But here I wasn't talking about losing friends because of moving away, but because of misunderstandings, or reasons that you are never able to fathom. When you're physically close, but emotionally you just drift apart.

    2. I must have interpreted it all to mean whatever it was that I was feeling. Strangely enough, I've only drifted apart from people who've moved away - friends who stay ten minutes away are very close to me physically and mentally. I wonder what that says about my ability to keep friendships going.

      And yes, why not? :D Toothless people can have good times, too! :D

  4. Hi Astha,
    Wonderful post, I can relate to it.
    In sync with Ruhani, it gave me a heartache.. but i loved the post.
    Its really really difficult to live without people who meant so much!
    But thats life.. :)
    I love ur writings..
    Best wishes,

    1. Thank you Ankita! :)
      I read your kitty story too! I really liked it :)

  5. beautiful article again!!!! How on Earth do u manage to put feelings in words so perfectly!!! ur God Gifted!! xxxxx

    1. Thank you Priya di! :)
      That's a big thing to say! xoxo

  6. Poignant and very well expressed!!!

  7. It's beautiful and heartbreaking. How you manage to use the perfect words is beyond me. Nostalgic and hopeful about the future at the same time. A perfect adieu. You're awesome :)

    1. Thank you! How you manage to be a perfect person and the best best friend is beyond me! You're beyond awesome.

  8. Nailed on spot! I think everyone goes through this phase called - Quarter Life Crisis and then things change rapidly! I almost feel no one can help losing friends in the journey of life and we must keep going on , meeting more beautiful people on the way. That's the way it is! :)


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