A Saucerful of Secrets

Sleep continues to elude me. Another night. Sigh. I don’t know why I’m always trying to determine whether I’m happy or sad. If only I stop doing that, I will save so much of time to do the things I want to do. And take care of pending tasks. I can feel myself retreating again. I’m withdrawing into my shell once more. Disconnected. Lost. Unenthusiastic. Indifferent. Dreamy. Listening to music, lying under the sky and gazing at the stars.

I guess these are the repercussions of settling back into my routine life after what could possibly be the two greatest days of my life. Two beautiful, magical, wonderful, fantastical days. Chee does it again. I don’t know how he does it, but he crosses a new milestone every time. It just keeps getting better.

But looking at my college life I feel sad. I’m asking myself questions like: Did I really want to do this? Really? Why am I not enjoying this? I might have taken a faulty step but it’s not like I’m kicking myself and regretting it. I can still correct it. There are a lot of possibilities that lie in front of me. Only this time, I’ll be careful in making the right choice.

I have to take care of my lifestyle or it will be the death of me, I swear to god. I get up late, I skip meals, I forget things ALL the time, I bunk classes, I sleep like a baby pig on drugs during the day and my class performance is seriously degrading. I will start looking like a zombie if I continue like this, not to mention I’ve started behaving like one already.

I’ve always felt like I have a lot of layers to me. Everyday a new shade of me. I change, all the time. Like a river. And I assume people are not going to understand me and so I don’t even bother. Like I like myself most of the times, but sometimes, all of a sudden, out of the blue I loathe and berate myself so much I feel like I can’t stand to be with my own self. You know what I mean? Not sure you do.

I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just a self-loathing narcissist. And I don't know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t know where I’m going.