The Flight.

She looks up at the sky standing at the edge of the cliff,

Unsure of what to do, her body is taut and stiff.

She knows it’s late and about time to go,

But deep inside of her, there are things that she must know.

Looking over the horizon, her feathers blow against the breeze,

Winter is approaching; soon things would start to freeze.

She looks up at the sky and oh what a sight!

Hundreds and hundreds of birds, all together in flight!

Her mother looks at her and sternly beckons her to join them,

Her parents, she notices, has numerous others behind them.

She knows she should stick to them, and remain aloft,

Then why are her wings refusing to take off?

There are questions churning and tossing in her mind,

And she knows the answers, only she will have to find.

The doubts that formed over the years are now weighing her down,

The suspicions that she raised, and was looked down upon with a frown

She does not want to be like them, she does not want to follow,

They live in a dismal world, superficial and shallow.

She has to find her own way; she has to break the chains,

She’s ready to follow her dreams, and prepared to face the pains.

How easy it is for people to tag on, how simple to get swayed,

How convenient for them to pretend, what a pointless charade.

Truth is, they are scared, scared to speak their minds,

Afraid to face the reality; cowering behind their blinds.

She wants to break free; yes, she wants to fly away,

Her family calls out again, but nothing will make her stay.

Talons firmly rooted to the spot, she looks one last time above,

Her mother has understood; what infinite, endless love!

She smiles and closes her eyes as the fleet disappears from sight,

The vast sky looks promising, and she’s ready for her flight.

The sun is bright as she spreads her wings, her chest swells with glee,

She starts on a journey of her own; she is finally, truly free!

9 hours before an External Examination.

For some reason, I think this is the perfect time to write this blog entry. Because I'm 'in it', so I can write about it better. It's been 16 years. 16 years of incessant tests, exams, marks, assignments, homework, vivas. We don't really realize it, but come to think of it, more than half the stress in a kid's life is because of the pressure that is put on him/her. The pressure of exams. It's such a huge part of a student's life.

That's all he is taught since the time he enters kindergarten. His parents want him to be the best, to excel at everything. And EVERY parent wants this, mind you, so just imagine the amount of expectations they have from their child. They push him, and pester him and tutor him and guide him and lecture him to "STUDY HARD". They are a parent's favorite words ever, "Stop wasting your time and go study." And then the report cards, parent-teacher meetings, evaluation, scoldings, scrutiny, nervousness, stressful sleepless nights. At some point of time the kid is bound to yell, 'HEY LAY OFF, WILL YA?!"

It's different when you're in junior school, when getting straight 'A's and little stars and 'V.good's on your test papers is child's play. But in high school, especially during the Boards time, reality hits you in the face. You realize how competitive everyone around you has become and your doing well will determine your career and your future and blah blah. Sigh, and since then, it's the same for the next 4-5 years. Especially if you're in an  institute like mine. We have countless tests and exams all year round. I have an external exam tomorrow.

And my preparation? Zero. Zilch.

Why? you may ask. Well, it's simple really. I'm fed up! I'm saturated! I cannot take in a word I'm reading. All the words, letters and points are dancing in front of me! Does that make it clear? The more I think about that big fat heavy-weight champ book, the less I feel like opening it. On top of that, I'm crabby and moody. Really doesn't help when you have an exam the next day and it's 1 o'clock in the morning. Oh, how I loathe this time of the year! There are movies waiting to be watched! Books waiting to be read! Places waiting to be visited! And here I am, facing the worst exam-night of my life. What a shame! There are a certain things which I've realized and I observe them every time during exams. They apply to more or less every student and I'm sure if you're a student, you'd be able to relate to them.

Okay, here they go:

1. You NEVER feel like studying for an exam.


2. Everytime before the exam starts, you nervously look at your friends and say, "I don't know ANYTHING!" And they say, "Same here, I'm gonna flunk."
    But end up getting marks anyway :|


3. Whatever you study or revise JUST before your exam starts, you'll never forget.


4. No matter how many points you mug up, you're ALWAYS going to forget a few of them.


5. Even if you like a certain subject, you'd still hate it just because it is a part of your syllabus.


6. No matter when your teacher asks you to do an assignment, you're gonna finish it only at the last minute.


7. There's at least one question in each exam which you had left thinking they won't ask you that.


8. You can never be 'fully prepared' for an exam.


9. Every time you feel there is an urgent need to cheat, there is going to be a strict invigilator.


10. Every time you promise to yourself, "I'm going to study for it beforehand next time", but you never do.


11. Your parents don't notice when you're studying, but when you start taking a break, they yell at you.


12. Your 'breaks' usually longer than the time you've spent studying.


13. More than half of your time gets wasted on the phone with your friends making 'after-exams' plans and having the most inane and senseless conversations ever.


14. When you know you've to study, even things like watching TV or reading some book (which you would otherwise not want to do) seem mighty interesting.


15. When your alarm goes off in the morning, you snooze it for "5 more minutes" but end up getting an hour later, panic striken and cursing yourself.


16. Studying makes you oh-so-sleepy (especialy if it's cold and your warm, cosy bed calls out to you).


17. You think you'll take a break for 15 minutes and log on to Facebook; and end up wasting more than an hour on it gallivanting about aimlessly.


18. Even if you completely mess up your last exam, it doesn't really matter because it's the LAST exam!


19. You feel hungry and ergo, take all the meal breaks. (Come on, you need energy to study!) but because you eat too much, you end up being warm and woozy and sleepy and go off to sleep.


20. No matter how much you score, your parents will always say things like, "Hm, good, but you can do better!", "Aim higher!" :|


21. Time crawls. C .R. A. W. L. S.


22. You're always going to have this one friend who would call you up at the last hour to ask you 'What all is important' (or maybe you're the one who does that).


23. And then there are going to be instances when you come out of the exam hall, tired and spent and thanking your luck that you'll manage to pass, and someone would say, "Oh no, I made a two mark mistake!" :|


24. Blaming your teachers for setting up difficult question papers and not giving enough marks is more fun than actually studying and scoring marks.


25. You don't care if you get really poor marks as long as all your friends get poor marks as well.


26. If you study with a friend/friends, you waste a LOT of time gossiping and preparing mid-night snacks, but these are the times you're going to remember after college.


27. Sometimes when everybody is busy revising and learning important points right before the exam, two of your friends would be discussing a topic you have no idea about. And you go, "Damn."


28. Exams give you the perfect excuse to extract some sympathy out of your parents and excuse yourself from household chores!


29. Sometimes you look at a question and you're like, "Hey I know this! I did this last night!" But as soon as you start attempting it, poof! it vanishes!


30. After reading a few sentences, you daydream, then giggle to yourself, then look back at your book, and sigh.


31. No matter how many leaves you get before an exam, you're ALWAYS going to study on the last day till the last hour.


32. You're always asking this question to yourself and all the others, even when you know the exact answer, "When will these exams get over?!"


Now, how many of you read the points and smiled in agreement? :P

It's been two Awesome decades! :D

For months I'd been dreading my birthday. I didn't want to be twenty. Twenty just seemed too big a number. I didn't want to be twenty at ALL. Twenty means you've lived for two decades. Twenty means you're not that innocent, cute little kid anymore. Twenty is when you stop using the suffix 'teen' (that you've used cheerfully for seven years) after your age anymore. Twenty is when your adolescent years are over and you become, gulp, an adult!

I remember five years back when my sister turned twenty and it all seemed to be such a big deal. I would look up to her and think "Wow, she has really grown up!" And I can't believe those five years whizzed by in a blink and here I was, in the same place. First of all, I felt that I didn't seem like a twenty year old, I didn't look like a twenty year old and I certainly didn't feel like a twenty year old. I was so comfortable being nineteen, I didn't want time to move any more. It's just the perfect age. You don't really feel like a grown up, and yet you're not considered a kid. But turning twenty, now that, as one of my friends puts it, is 'big shit'. It's like life is nudging you to grow up, become more responsible, start taking life seriously and start making your own decisions.

Anyway, of course I knew it was inevitable and I decided to take it in the right spirit. So when the clock struck twelve on November 9, calls started pouring in. I don't think I've EVER received so many birthday calls. Courtesy: Facebook. My sister pinged me on Gmail and wrote "Welcome to adulthood!" And that's when it hit me. I just stared at that one sentence and muttered, "Oh. My. God. I really AM twenty, aren't I?"
The next day was nothing like I'd imagined. Some of my friends forgot to wish me, some did, in a very "Oh it's your birthday? Well then, happy birthday" sort of way. They weren't even excited to go celebrate it with me somewhere. What was worse, we were attending classes!! As the day progressed, I became more and more forlorn. It was like I was a balloon and someone had punctured me and I was gradually deflating. (Except for the time when a friend (Cheenti) sent me a dozen red and white roses and I screamed with joy! and also when mom and dad came into my room early in the morning, lovingly woke me up and hugged me and made me so so rich!) After college when I asked my friends to go out, they came up with the lamest of excuses:

"I'm tired."
"I'm sleepy."
"Don't feel like."
"Maybe tomorrow..?"

Anyway, we ended up going to this little restaurant very close to our college with four of my closest friends. I was mostly sitting there dejected while they happily chatted away, apparently oblivious to how I was feeling. Boy, was I bummed out. Back home, I plopped down on my bed, disgruntled and hurt. "20th birthday. Big whoop", I said to myself scowling as two tears rolled down my cheek. Right at that instant my dad told me that one of my friends (Bhakti) was at the door. Sure enough, she stood there holding a big bouquet! She asked me to come over to antother friend's (Smriti's) place. So I agreed.
When I reached her place, believe me, I had NO inkling whatsoever about what was going to happen next. I open the door and there's a loud outburst of "Happy Birthdayyy!" It took me about two whole minutes to register the entire scene. And my reaction was so idiotic! I was like, "Oh MY GOD! You guys. What.. When. But how.. Oh wow..I just.. Shit man.. Oh god..!" :P
ALL of my closest friends, around 15-20 of them, all standing there, grinning from ear to ear. They got me a chocolate cake! They'd blown lots of heart-shaped balloons and had put streamers in a haphazard and cute manner! Wait, there's more. Another friend (Samrath) made Bhelpuri and got cold drinks! And they did all of this in such a short amount of time! Smriti said she wanted to do something more extravagant and I just rolled my eyes. It didn't even matter what they do or what they get me. The fact that they all gathered together, took time out and were just...there for me and with me on my birthday, was more than I could have asked for!

I was.... overwhelmed, overjoyed and speechless. In the first five minutes, I couldn't even focus my eyes, I was just so perfectly, amazingly SURPRISED!!
Every year on my birthday, I organize the party and I get the cake. This is the first time I've ever received a surprise party! The first time my friends have gone out of their way to make my day! And trust me, it's the most wonderful thing ever! Especially when you're friends deliberately turn into assholes and lower your expectations to such a level that you have absolutely NO idea they're planning something! At first I was emotional, then I was excited, and then I was ecstatic. I hugged each one of them and was hopping and frolicking about in no time! I even let them put a little cake on my cheeks and nose! I love them! Each one of them! It was AMMMAZING!

I suddenly felt.. special. It's great to know you've got a bunch of friends around you who care. I know I'm never going to forget my 20th birthday. And I've quit fretting about it. What's the big deal? One day I'll turn 30! Even 40! and 50! I'd freak out then. Being twenty actually feels awesome now. I know childhood is gone, I'm not the same little kid anymore who would sit for hours with her crayons and who would write short stories and make everyone in the household read them. I know I've grown up and I'm a year closer to the grave, but that doesn't bother me at all. Life has been beautiful so far and I'm sure with friends and moments and experiences like these, it's going to be wonderful in the years to come!

Yay me! I'm twenty!!!! :D

Light My Fire!

BOOM! An ear-shattering explosion right outside which makes you jump out of your skin. The stench of smoke so strong it enters into your nostrils and even into your rooms. Battered, torn, little red paper bits scattered all across the streets outside. Little children running around every nook and corner carrying guns that go ‘phat-phat-phat-phat!’ Families hop scotching from one relative’s place to another, wearing bright attire and carrying huge boxes filled with sweets so saccharine they fail to serve their purpose. Chubby, prosperous women throwing kitty parties, playing flash, and exchanging luxurious gifts. What am I talking about? It’s a simple trisyllabic word almost everyone is familiar with: DIWALI!

Yup, it’s that time of the year again. Personally and blatantly speaking, I’m not a big fan of this festival. I cuss under my breath every time a bomb explodes and makes me drop whatever I’m holding. I fail to understand what sadistic pleasure people achieve by simply producing loud noises? It honestly beats me. I always vouch for a non-smoke Diwali every year.

As a kid, I remember the little pig-tailed me, tinkering around here and there wearing new clothes, jumping holding sparkly phuljaris, lighting up the whole place with candles and diyas and proving to her cousins how daring she is by jumping across revolving charkhis. I used to enjoy it all, but honestly, I mostly used to be scared out of my wits of those godforsaken bombs!

Does that mean I’m a scaredy cat? Maybe so, but this is what it is.

See, I like the fact that people celebrate it because Lord Ram returned to Ayodhya after fourteen years of exile in the forest and all, but today, do people really celebrate that? His return? Or is it merely an excuse to dress up, pollute the environment, and eat lots and burn thousands of bucks into smoke? Imagine the amount of pollution that is added to our country in one single day! Not to mention the accidents caused due to firecrackers.

For me, Diwali is a wonderful time because the families get together! This year we went to my mama’s place at Mathura. He is in the army and the cantonment area in which he resides was beautiful and well maintained. All I remember about that weekend is, soaking in the winter sun in their lovely little garden, having the most mouth-watering tasty delights prepared by mami amidst fun family banter, lazing around in the living room listening to the Beatles and watching amazing fireworks together. It was peaceful, refreshing and just what I needed after a hectic college month.

I started to think a tad optimistically on the night of Diwali, when I went up on my terrace. It was….. spectacular. The houses were amazingly illuminated with countless blinking lights, while the sky was emblazoned with continuous fireworks exploding all across it. The sound of crackers, rockets and bombs booming all around me, amalgamating into an uninterrupted, amazing symphony until it seemed as if the whole world was joyful. Everybody, the sky, the trees, the buildings, every living and non-living thing was partying and celebrating and rejoicing together. Everything seemed united. Alive!

And I just stood there, turning round and round slowly, looking up at the sky. All I could whisper was “Wow”. All the money spent, all the blasts, all the smoke, all the pollution, it all seemed worth it. Smiling to myself, I decided Diwali in India is like Christmas in the west. There is so much positivity, love, happiness, brightness and togetherness around you that it’s hard to remain unaffected by it. As Andy Williams puts it, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”! :D

Happy Diwali to one and all!

Dark Tranquility.

You never think, or you never hope at least, that it would happen to you. Except when it does. Your mind goes into this unfocused, deplorable, demonic state and you achieve an inexplicable pleasure in being miserable. You like it when you’re lonely, you like it when sleep eludes you every night and you’re in this hazy, cloudy stupor; reminiscing and pondering over the absurdity and the tragedy of it all.

It’s a condition when you couldn’t care less about self-hygiene or the fact that your hair literally makes you look ghoulish. It’s a state when every second of every day feels like a hangover after a ghastly bout of a drinking spree. You think, and you rethink, and you reconsider and you wish and you hope and you pray and you long and you want and you plead and you crave to such an extent that it becomes impossible to ignore the voices in your head. It’s a loud cacophony, accompanied by images of the past whizzing round and round and round in your head like a movie; until the fine thread that separates consciousness and unconsciousness slowly dissolves and you feel like you’re drowning. You’re enmeshed into a trap of your own beguiling dreams; with monsters screaming and loathing and cursing and tormenting you.

It leads to a strange asphyxiation; and despite yourself, something inside flails itself all around, trying to break free, to get some air. And yet, even under that claustrophobic pressure, you cannot move a muscle.

You walk around like you’re carrying a huge burden on your chest, only to realize it is something you’d have to carry for a long way to come. You laugh with your friends, your heart flutters for a brief period of time, greedy, lustful, and holding on to every sign of warmth and affection. Realizing soon after, that it has rebounded, with double the amount of force.

People talk, cars whiz by, morning turns to night, the clock ticks away; until it all happens so fast and so at once that everything seems to be a blur.

You want to cry out, you want there to be some way, some solution, some answer. But strangely, you can’t, you’re unable to, because you’re standing in a vacuum. Where there is nobody, no sound, not even air to breathe. It slithers all around you, like a grotesque slimy reptile and chokes you, until you have no other way but to let it all out. Every emotion, every tiny speck of despair, of pain, of sorrow, of anguish comes onto the surface until your tears dry themselves out, your head clears up a little and your mind gives way to exhaustion, and finally, to sleep. The demons are finally quiet.

It’s 3:00 AM. The beginning of another day.

MY BEST FRIEND.. who I loved, and lost.

 THE LAST WORD

I still remember that short, fair, spectacled girl who came to our school in the 11^th grade. She was subdued, shy, and quiet and she would always sit at the exact same spot with the same girl as her partner every single day. Maryam Salman came all the way from Muscat to this little place and clearly had a lot of problems adjusting to her new life. No one in class used to talk to her much because they all thought she was a nerd. For one whole year we were non-existent for each other.

And then, one fine day, in the 12^th standard, on an impulse I sat next to her. And from that day forward, things just.. changed! We began to talk and I realized how wrong people were about her, she was a total non-nerd! We hit it off from the first day and the seat next to her became my permanent and favorite seat till the very last day of school.

I loved how kiddish she was, just like me, and that she was into books and movies and music, just like me, and she was crazy and cute and funny, just like me! In fact, we were so similar that sometimes we would say or do the exact same things in perfect unison! We had even made a list of the ‘Similar things’ we used to do.

She made this little poem for me, which I really used to find hilarious:

“Astha, Astha have some pasta,

Go to hell and forget the raasta!”

Both of us were total Linkin Park fanatics and knew all their songs by heart. We could listen to and sing their songs the entire day without faltering even once (not even at the complex parts). We would drool over our joint-crush, Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park and would talk about him and fantasize about him to extremes none could ever imagine! We even wrote a story about Chester, Mike and me during our classes; of which we were totally proud. Sometimes we would go into irrepressible convulsions of laughter whenever we were together; while at other times we would share our darkest and deepest of secrets and fears. A couple of months before our Board exams, our classes were mostly all over and we were free to do whatever we wanted to. We had found this perfect spot; it was beyond our school field besides the graveyard. It had a ditch nearby and we used to call it the ‘Pit of Acheron’. We would sit there, for hours and hours together, talking, listening to songs, writing, reading (we never studied, and mostly we just yakked away). We used to live in our own little world, oblivious to everything else around us. Being with her, I was blissfully happy and without a doubt, she had become my bestest friend forever.

She used to call me ‘Squixie’ because she used to say I look like a squirrel. I could talk to her about everything and anything, anywhere and anyhow. I was completely myself with her and never had to put up a facade of any kind. We used to talk for hours on the phone and before hanging up, we would always go like this: “Okay, bye, take care, love you, miss you, study well, all the best, bye, everything everything, myly, xoxo, bye, bye, take care, love you, everything, ua ua ua ua!” and would go into fits of laughter again!

(I should clarify here that ‘myly’ stands for “miss you love you” and ‘xoxo’ means “hugs and kisses”.)

I should also clarify that both of us are straight!

Everyday and every moment spent with her was special but there is one day I can never forget and I know even she can’t. The day was just, too perfect; it was one of the happiest days of my life. It was 7^th of November, two days before my birthday. While the drills and races were taking place, we were wandering around the school premises and we came across this beautiful place. It was quiet and peaceful there. And I remember just sitting there with her, listening to our favorite songs, one plug in one of our ears, feeling the breeze blowing against our faces. It was amazing. We even carved out our names on one of the walls there. (It’s still there by the way; I went to see it last month.) When it got dark we went toward the crowds to see what was happening and we saw everybody was cheering and enjoying the ‘Gymnastics on Wheels’ show that we have every year in school. We stood there, cheering and hooting with everybody; when suddenly, they played one of our favorite songs ‘Numb’ on the loudspeakers! Both of us looked at each other and SCREAMED at the top our lungs, jumping, singing along, clapping, laughing and hugging each other again and again while the others looked at us as if we’ve lost it, for good! That moment, that was the moment when I was truly, wonderfully, absolutely blissful. She was the one who made me feel that way.

School wasn’t school without her and we always seemed to have SO much to share with each other. Like we could just talk and talk and talk non stop.

There are so many incidents I can mention, the school picnic, the time she won the debate and we celebrated, the way we used to sit and have our lunches together, the time we went to this school fete and sat on all the rides, the way she used to explain things to me and the way we used to make other feel better when one of us was feeling lousy, my birthday party (where we danced like crazy on LP for more than 10 min). I was so close to her that I never thought I’d be myself if I ever lose her. We were soul mates.

But today, she doesn't want to talk to me. After our Board exams, some misunderstandings cropped between us. I don’t even know what exactly happened, but apparently I hurt her deeply. I hurt her and I didn’t even realize it. She went back to Muscat and we didn’t speak for a long, long time. When she did come back, I knew something was wrong and that she had changed. She moved to Delhi for graduation whist I stayed back here.

She never tried to contact me again, she wanted to forget me and move on. She told me that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore because she can’t be what she used to be with me and she loves me too much to hurt me. At first I didn’t understand, I was hurt, angry, confused, infuriated and did not understand why she would do such a thing. I cried over it, hurt and miserable. But after a lot of thinking, I finally think I’ve understood.

It’s okay if she doesn’t want to talk. I shouldn’t worry about it; because that is what makes her happy. I'm sure she has her reasons and if I look from her perspective, it would all make sense to me. I can’t be selfish and demand her to talk to me. I’m sad that it’s over, but I’m glad that it happened. I’m grateful I came across her; I’m thankful she befriended me and loved me so selflessly. I know things got screwed up somewhere, but even the thought of the moments spent with her, fills my heart with warmth and my eyes with tears. I miss her, terribly, but I’m all right now. If you’re reading this Maryam, by any chance, I want you to know I have no hard feelings against you and that you will be etched into my memory forever and will always and always be my BFF.

This is something that she wrote in my diary when we were departing, when we met for the last time:

“There’s no time left now, is there Astha? No time to do those things we wanted to. No time to finish all the things we left unfinished. No time to fill up another dialogue copy. No time to sing, no time to fill up the song diary, no time to finish our ‘story’, no time to Chester-around, no time to pass comments on Bhaturia’s microscopic blouses, no time to make long faces during Math classes, no time to run across the campus holding hands, no time to sit together and talk, no time to kiss dragonfly-Chester, no time to make fun of all the so-not-Chester-guys, no hogging Priyanka’s tiffin, no wearing those shoes and that scraggly ribbon, no time to sit in the warm winter sun, no school. What will I do? What? How will we go to the Pit of Acheron? The beautiful place? Library? 7^th A classroom? Canteen?

I know that you’re going to be a great successful girl Astha. You do have a really bright future. Don’t mess it by holding on to the things that have passed by. Cherish it, yes, but don’t let it hinder your steps. You’ll grow out of it. Stand up to the world and face it. Let’s face it together Astha, holding hands, let’s be humble about it. Let’s look into the horizon together, let’s fly high, and soar into the sky as far as our wings can take us. Let’s make our lives what we dream them to be.”

I just want you to know: Thanks for all those wonderful moments; thank you for giving me another reason to be happy and grateful, even if it was for a short while :)

I love you and you will never ever be forgotten.

It's A Wonderful Life!

Some days back, I was depressed and had no idea why. Actually, I did, sort of. I knew the stupid little reasons which had dampened my spirit but I couldn’t fathom why they would make me feel so pathetic. I felt wretched and I was depressed. I wouldn’t say it was a ‘I-just-wanna-die’ depression, but more of a ‘go-away-and-let-me-stay-under-my-covers’ one.

Maybe subconsciously, I knew what was bothering me but I couldn’t really pin point it out. Or possibly I just didn’t want to accept it. Whatever the case was, for days I just stayed at home, missed college for a couple of days, wept like a crybaby and mostly just slept. Every little problem that I was facing seemed to magnify and I felt as if nothing is right anymore. It’s like sometimes things just happen one after the other and you feel as if you just going to explode if one more thing goes wrong. That’s why I just went into this morbid state and locked myself up and tried to sleep it off.

Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong in crying and letting your emotions out, but it was getting too much and it was getting on to my nerves. So, I made conscious efforts to make myself feel better.

I called up a friend and went out with her, I talked to my mom, I watched a movie, I went out for a walk listening to my favorite songs. And slowly, I started feeling better and soon enough; I was back to my usual self. And I realized how brainless I was, being all morose and brooding over nothing. I also came to the conclusion that every problem in the world had a solution, we just need to think it over. And even if there isn’t a solution, there is no reason to fret and worry and cry over it, we just have to learn how to accept and be happy!

Because I was feeling so positive about life, I decided to do something. I’ve written 20 reasons why I love my life! I don’t know when I will start wallowing in my own little ‘tragedies’ again, so maybe reading his would make me feel better! Sooo, here goes:

1.  I love the way when my mom is scolding me for something (mostly for not cleaning my room or not getting up on time), I grab her and hug her and she hugs me back and lovingly gives me a whack on the head! I love it when she makes me roll on the floor laughing when she starts doing those funny things she sometimes does!

2.  I lovvvve it when it rains and I go out and get absolutely        soaked to the skin and then later dry myself up and demand for pakoras and tea!

3.  I love the way I go nuts talking nonsense and laughing my ass off whenever I’m with my sister. And they way I feel when she hugs me every time before she leaves.

4.  I LOVE it when I’m snuggled up in my covers during those long winter nights listening to my favorite songs and getting lost in my own dreams and fantasies.

5.  I love it when I stay up all night reading an enthralling book and don’t even mind feeling groggy the next day in class because it was worth every minute!

6.  I love the way my dad shakes his head and sings along (and mom rolls her eyes) when a song of his choice starts to play on the radio in the car on one of out family outings!

7.  I love to know that whenever I’m feeling moody or low, someone is always there to put a smile on my face.

8.  I lourrrve the feeling I get when I have a long, satisfying, meaningful conversation with a close friend.

9.  I love the fact that when I’m with my best friend, we’re so comfortable, even silence doesn’t seem awkward.

10. I love it when I go completely crazy laughing uncontrollably with my friends and when every stupid thing seems hilarious!

11. I love the fact that I can watch movies back to back into the weeee hours of the night and then help myself to a midnight snack!

12. I love the feeling I get when I associate a particular song to a particular person\memory\time\place.

13. I love the way I call my friends up during those never-ending stressful exam days for ‘saantvana’ and then end up making plans about what we’d do during vacations!

14. I love doing NOTHING. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Just sitting still, staring off into space.. or just thinking, about nothing in particular.

15. I love the way we make last-second plans to bunk classed and go out to grab a bite. Also, passing notes in class and pouncing on each other’s tiffins after the very first lecture!

16. I love the way it feels when I just sit alone on my terrace, or when I go for a walk on a breezy evening, reminiscing and smiling to myself.

17. I love it when my granddad tells me some historical story (although 90% of the time he would’ve already narrated it to me before) when we all have lunch together.

18. I love it when all of us sit in the bedroom inside out quilts when it’s cold and TALK; or maybe watch TV and munch on peanuts and dry fruits.

19. I love talking to my bro about our childhood (which was the BEST phase of my life.. ever) and reliving all the games we used to play (Barbie-Spiderman-He-Man!) and how we used to fight over toys!

20. Finally, I love my life because I love myself! Despite all my imperfections, I’m a perfectly lovable creature and people lourve me! :P

I have numerous other reasons I can mention here, but I guess this entry is long enough already. Also, because I’m going to turn twenty next month (sigh, that’s right), I think it is fitting if I restrict this list to 20 reasons.

It’s an exhilarating feeling to feel happy and grateful about life!

You should try it too!

One Swallow doesn't make a Summer!

Why do you like a movie? Is it because it makes you happy? Because it inspires you? Or because it moves you to tears? Sometimes it does all three. Yesterday I saw one such movie: ‘(500) Days of Summer’. I had heard quite a lot about it and so yesterday I finally got around seeing it. It started off just like all typical romantic love stories. Except that it isn’t one. It’s a story about a boy, Tom who believes in true love and in the notion of ‘the one’; and how he meets a girl Summer and falls hopelessly in love with her.

She is the kind of girl who doubts the concept of soul mates and marriage and love. All the same, they go out and stay happily together for about a year when one day she out of the blue tells him that she thinks they should stop this and continue being friends. This sudden and unexplained decision hurts him and he fails to understand why she would end something that was so perfect and happy.

He plunges into self-pity and depression until they meet at a friend’s party again. After she invites him to another party, he gets hopeful of getting back together again but is devastated to find out that she is engaged. He is completely shattered as all his fairytale illusions come crashing down. He quits his job and whiles away his time wallowing when one day his pre-adolescent sister tells him that he should look back on his relation again and he might realize that it wasn’t as perfect as he thinks it was. As he contemplates and relives all their moments spent together he comprehends that she was right. And that’s when he starts to focus on his career (he wanted to become an architect). Much later, he meets Summer again and she tells him that he was right about true love- it does exist. But it wasn’t what they had. Something about their relation did not seem right to her but she was sure about it when she was going to marry the other guy.

Later when he waits for an interview in a company, he meets another girl who he asks out for coffee. That girl’s name is Autumn! =)

The major reason why I liked the movie was because it wasn’t like other movies. It was different. The other typical movies mostly follow this pattern: boy and girl meet, they date, they fall in love, there is a misunderstanding, they separate, and they always patch up again! And I would have been very disappointed if the boy and girl had ended up together. You see because that’s what makes it so realistic! This is how things are in the real world. Sometimes even the ideal relations don’t work out.

I liked some things that Tom says in the movie. He says that all these mushy movies and pop songs and books and cards put up a very idealistic image in front of us. Things aren’t ever perfect. I can relate myself with Tom. Even I used to believe in perfect matches and ‘happily-ever-afters’. I guess that’s how we all are at some phase in our lives. And it’s when someone breaks out hearts or hurts us that we come out of the delusion. Maybe that’s an important part of life. Heartache. Pain. That’s how we learn, and grow.

He also questions ‘love’. Seriously, what is love? Can you define it?

What I feel is, that it is this phase in our lives, (and everybody goes through it), where you start adoring and obsessing over this one person, who makes you feel alive and contented! That’s also what the movie shows: how beautiful being in love can be. How blissful and euphoric someone’s presence in your life can make you feel. It’s like your whole world revolves around that person. You love everything about them. Life seems amazing! Like Tom says in the movie, “I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.”

Aww! It’s such an incredible feeling! I loved their chemistry in the movie, they looked so cute together! But according to me, Tom didn’t really fall in love with Summer, he just fell in love with the feeling of being in love. He thought that she was the perfect girl for her but then realizes that it wasn’t so flawless after all. I guess everyone goes through the troughs and ridges of relationships. Isn’t it startling sometimes how something that seems totally ‘meant-to-be’ later starts to seem absurd? This is how life is. C'est la vie! People change. Time passes. Old relationships are forgotten. New ones are made.

The movie also gives you hope. Instead of moping around after a break-up, maybe if we start ‘looking’ again, we might actually stumble across a person who we feel can be ‘the one’. It’s not the end of the world! Pick yourself up and brush yourself off, life can be beautiful again! It makes you feel so… positive. Again, it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s like how Bob Marley said, “Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you’ve just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

I didn’t really understand why Summer abruptly decides to leaves him and marries a guy who she hardly even knew. But then again, she must have had her reasons. Maybe sometimes you do feel that it’s meant to be. The scene where they meet for the last time got me so emotional. I was sniffing about. It was kind of heart-breaking. Sometimes you have no idea why things don’t work out. And it hurts even more because you can’t get it. But then maybe that’s because you don’t see the big picture. At that time, you’re so morose and grieved of losing someone you love so much, that you don’t even realize that something even better might be in store for you. When one door closes, another door opens!

All said and done, I was glad the movie ended at a positive note. He finally crawled out of his despondent shell and found another girl. Maybe he fell in love with her again. Maybe she broke his heart again. Or maybe they ended up together. Who knows?

Hmpf. Love is stupid. Yet people run after it. I read this somewhere “Love is like dark chocolate. Although it always leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, you will still be tempted to take a bite the next time around.” It’s like something totally irresistible. As they say, love is what makes the world go round!

P.S.- Another reason to watch the movie: Joseph Gordon Levitt is CUTE! ;)

Starry Silence.

This blog entry is exclusively dedicated to this silly, hilarious, extremely interesting guy I met only like four months back. It’s crazy how sometimes you just click with a person right from the very beginning and then there’s no looking back! It has been like that with us. Actually, the reason why I took so long to write this entry was because I couldn’t figure out exactly what to write as the introduction. There is just so much to this moron and I’ll fall short of adjectives! :P

The picture is a little something I made for him, which I’m yet to mail him.

Except for the catastrophic disaster on 7^th of June 2010, whenever I think of him I can only think of how witty and amusing he is and how he makes me ROFL, A-AND, how devastatingly CUTE he is. Seriously, I cannot even describe how MUCH I feel better when I talk to him, especially when I’m at my depressed best. And how when we start yakking on the phone, we go on for hours and hours oblivious to everything around us, until we look at the time and go "Oh God, Oh God" :P I just love this idiot of a person who is one of my bestest friends (because I'm completely myself when I talk to him and because I can jabber with him about anything under the sun). Also, not only is he one of the strongest candidates in my Top10 list, but he has also advanced to the stage of becoming my Back-Up! ;) *Applause* That is really something! This poem (“phom”) actually came into existence one night when I was texting with him and I wrote this sentence which he thought was cool and so he asked me to write a poem revolving around it. So I began to think and well, I just wrote it! Just like that! Everybody cannot actually understand some underlying meanings, so you’re free to interpret people! Yeah, so, here it is, an Ode to Cheenti!

Starry Silence

I lie back, staring at the walls,

Senses wide awake, slowly the night falls.

Mind wanders; off into another dimension it goes,

Thoughts sift through the breeze coming through the windows.

Thoughts, they fly, swirl around in my head,

As silent laughter echoes around the empty room,

The ceiling’s gone, the stars are wet.

The night crawls by, surreal dreams with it she brings,

Reality fades away, imagination gets wings.

I get lost in my dreamy stance, too blissful to come out,

Eyelids grow heavy; inside my reverie I have a doubt.

The darkness is shattered by a sudden blinking light,

I follow the source and it fills me with delight.

The warmth spreads all around and radiates from my face,

Pondering about it all, feelings caught in a maze.

Is it ephemeral, a fleeting stint of glee?

Or is it eternal? Or can anything ever be?

As my head touches the pillow, it starts to rain,

I smile, close my eyes and here I go again,

Thoughts they fly, swirl around in my head,

As silent laughter echoes around the empty room,

The ceiling’s gone, the stars are wet.

Drops Of Earth!

One time of the year that I completely find irresistible and totally refreshing is the monsoon season! It’s not like I don’t enjoy the other times. I adore winters. Snuggling up inside the covers, reading a good book against the window, colorful woolen hats, mufflers and gloves, warming your hands on a mug of hot coffee, sitting with your parents with heaters on having peanuts, napping on your terrace soaking in the wonderful winter sun.. But the rains! They just do something to me. The smell of wet mud, and the sound of the drops of rain falling on your umbrella, jumping in water puddles, leaning out your verandah, feeling the drops fall on your face, having hot pakoras with tea! I still remember how, as tiny kids we would make paper boats and sail them in on the roads outside our house. And how we would hope for it to rain so that we could show off our new umbrellas and colorful raincoats!


I get this excited, jumpy, exhilarating feeling whenever it starts to pour. And I just cannot stop myself from going out and getting completely soaked! Lately it has been raining heavily almost everyday! It’s remarkable how my mood stays in sync with the weather! If it’s sunny and hot, I’ll be all sullen and dull. If it’s windy and rainy, I’ll be “Wee-ing” all over the place! My excitement level also increases as the rain starts to fall harder and faster!


Today turned out to be a surprisingly fun day. It was one of my friends [Smriti (the OTHER Smritis)] birthday. So we went to her place to give her this little surprise thing we had planned for her! Some of her other friends had decorated her apartment, blown balloons and that sort of thing. When we were done with all the ‘Surpriiiiiiiiiiiiise’ yelling and birthday wishing, and squealing and hugging sessions, we realized that it was pouring cats and dogs and horses and elephants outside! She suddenly exclaimed, “Let’s go on the terrace!!” And like small kids, we screamed and ran up to her terrace (which was on the 6th floor). It was amazing, the gush of wind, the awesome thunder clouds, the huge plump water drops which in a matter of seconds completely drenched us from head to toe! I spread out my arms and looked towards the sky and had this massive smile on my face. In no time, we were running all over her terrace and jumping in the water puddles playing splish-splash like toddlers! We were singing songs, and trying out various innovative dance moves and just being simply crazy. The view was invigorating, I could see the fields, the houses, the roads, the trees, everything just seemed so fresh and bright and new! Smriti’s mom clicked our pictures (and we made lunatic poses) and after we were done, she gave us fluffy towels to dry ourselves with, because we were dripping wet. After we all changed, we were welcomed by the sight of hot big samosas and steaming cups of coffee and a chocolate cake on the table! Ah, what could have been better?
As we sat there, wolfing down the samosas, cake and sipping coffee and chatting and laughing away to glory, I got this warm feeling in my belly. Some days turn out to be way better than you can expect. Who would have thought, when we were there, sitting in out classroom and listening to our Computer science teacher babbling god-knows-what, that after some time we would be having the time of our lives in the rain?


As always the whole bright, beautiful atmosphere made me hum a very suitable song. It is called ‘Drops of Earth’ by a very talented band, which is not known to many people, ‘Advaita’:


”In this rain as it falls
Back to life come days long gone
When we raced for some cover
Drenched in drops of earth all over

Clouds admired then drops we chased
Felt the mist in that rain
Run and hide and splashed all over
Made a friend once again

In that rain..”

I completely fell in love with today. I was looking forward to such a thing, you know. I mean, getting wet alone is another thing and having a rain dance party with friends is totally another! Don’t you think it such an ammmazing aspect of nature? I mean its water! And it just… falls! On everything! Wow! (Do I sound insane? :P ) It is like a gigantic shower somewhere in the sky!
Sometimes life gives you moments that you can look back on and cherish even after years and years and years. Today has been one such day! Cheers to the rains! :D