Sniffly post

"Take me out tonight,

Where there's music and there's people  

And they're young and alive.

Driving in your car,

I never never want to go home  

Because I haven't got one anymore.

Take me out tonight,

Because I want to see people 

and I want to see life"

This is exactly how I feel right now. 

Loneliness is a very personal feeling. When you want to feel lonely, you will; no matter how many people you have around you, and no matter how many things you have the option of doing. 

Exams are on; though I hardly give a turtledove's ass about them. Every night I find myself snoozing cozily inside my blanket, with my notes strewn over my bed; cups of coffee and my phone the only things keeping me alive. 

Every morning I awaken to the most grotesque, disgusting, insanely disturbing dreams (of huge transvestites with giant purple nipples trying to bludgeon me to death) 

The problem which I was very hopeful of getting rid of, is still there. The persistent bitch. That's probably what's causing my hormones to be on a roll. You don't want to mess with me right now. This is how I am: Excited! Dead. Cheerful! Miserable. Singing aloud! Crying in bed. Hopping around! Lying like an injured toad. Laughing! Snapping the hell out of everyone.


PMSing much?!

After pointlessly walking on the roads like a fool, being a part of a completely uninspiring and inane conversation and flipping through channels of women rubbing a tube on their underarms and an entire TV crew barging into a common man's toilet; I'm finally going to drink some milk to ease my cramps and get some shut-eye. And hope I won't dream of slithering serpentine snakes strangling me to death.

Old Friends

I went out for a walk to take a break from studying. Walking amidst the fog, looking at people slowly emerging through the mist, puppies playing about, people on bicycles with faces covered with mufflers, and the sensation of the cool moisture against my face.. it was all so beautiful. The smell of winter and the fog goes so well with the song I was listening to. Old Friends by Simon and Garfunkel. It is, and will always and always be, one of the closest songs to my heart. It’s so beautiful I could die.

It reminds me of two pairs of naughty, twinkling eyes; shivers down my spine; clandestine holding of hands underneath a jacket; the most amazing conversation on a bench in front of one of the most beautiful monuments in the world; skipping and laughing about like little kids; and the feeling of all you had ever dreamt of, right in front of your eyes.

“Old Friends
Old Friends
Sat on their park bench like bookends
a newspaper blown through the grass
Falls on the round toes
Of the high shoes
Of the old friends

Old Friends
Winter companions, the old men
Lost in their overcoats
Waiting for the sunset
The sounds of the city sifting through trees
Settle like dust
On the shoulders of the old friends

Can you imagine us years from today
Sharing a park bench quietly?
How terribly strange to be seventy...

Old Friends
Memory brushes the same years
Silently sharing the same fear


Time it was and what a 
time it was it was
A time of innocence
A time of confidences

Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They're all that's left you”

I love us. And I dream of us sitting on a park bench, underneath pink skies and wispy clouds with the yellow, autumn leaves falling all around us.

In your Face, book!

I love the chill of winters. I love how cold and pink my toes are and I’ve to wear colourful socks to keep them warm. I love how I’m all cuddled up in my quilt and the warm laptop feels good on my belly. I love the steam in the bathroom after hot water baths. I love my extraordinarily long fingers wrapped around a mug of hot coffee.

Ahh, winters are here :) My friends tell me it was foggy in the morning. I, of course, missed it. There’s something about it. It’s strange and mysterious and it adds this moody splendour to everything around you, don’t you think?

I just finished a tedious, tiring, eye-drooping assignment and I’m feeling good because I did not leave it until morning. Ideally, I should hit the sack because I have another pending task which I plan to do in the morning, but um, I won’t just be me if I sleep before 3, now would I? :|

I suddenly want days to become twice as long. 24 hours is just not enough. I want to read more, write more, see more, talk more and do more of constructive work, while at the same time having all the time to do all the nothing I want. 

I hate Facebook. I hate that useless, brain-damaging, pest of a site. People are just swarming all over it, all the time. They’re everywhere. What’s with all these new features man? For instance, take that creepy, crawly Tickr, which runs across the side of your screen screaming the tiniest detail of what everyone is up to. WHO needs to see that a friend of yours (whom you actually almost dislike and he's only in your friends list because he unfortunately happens to be your classmate) has commented "you looks to pretti" on another classmate-hence-FB-friend's picture where she's standing sloppily in front of a shopping mall?! WHY do you need to know some long forgotten junior you had in school took up a “Will Edward dump your for Bella and drink your blood and you will have tiny blood-sucking kids” quiz?

And I hate this trend of putting a god-awful godforsaken god-only-knows-why picture of puppies/teddy bears/hearts and then tagging all your gazillion friends like a mindless drone. Next thing you know, you have '47 notifications’ of all sorts of weird people commenting over the picture.

“awweee! Choo chweeeeet! Thaaankk yyeewww!! : * :*”

hearts hearts! kisses kisses! muah muah! 

Please! :|

'Liking' something has completely lost all meaning.

"Ahh, just had a bath"

23 likes.

"I'm an arrogant bitch"

56 likes.

"I fell in the gutter and broke both my legs"

73 likes.

Even the 'I hate Facebook' community on Facebook has a 17,381 likes! I mean, DUDE?!

And the kind of pictures people have started putting up! MY GOD! Artificial smiles plastered on shiny faces standing in front of a mirror showing off not only their clothes, but also their cell phone, their watch, their LED TV, and their Macbook. (Okay, you might not be that lame if you have a Macbook, but you get the point)

Everybody wants to show how much fun they are having; while secretly they’re all caught up in the web of their miserable lives. Oh come on, aren’t we all? Secretly, we’re all spying on to other people’s profiles comparing our lives to theirs, how many comments they get, how popular they are, where they went for their vacation, who they are going out with. Nothing is private anymore. Off on a trip, BAM! Your pictures are seen by your entire family, plus people you probably don’t even know. A baby is born, BAM! He is already on Facebbok, being koochi-kooed and getting his virtual cheeks pinched. Change your relationship status from ‘Committed’ to ‘Single’ and you get hoards of unwelcome, probing, sympathetic comments:

"aww what happened?!!” 

“oh dyyyuuuude, never mind. Plenty of fish in the sea.”


Someone you barely know shares something with you that would have made NO difference to you or your existence if it wasn't shared. Someone you don't even remember meeting did something that you don't even remotely care about. Nor does anyone else, actually. Some weird loony you met at a party pops a "Hye" every time he sees you green. Unknown people poking you. Obnoxious-people-you hate-but-sorta-have-to-be-nice-to throwing virtual pigs and ducks and porcupines at you. All sorts of whackos from Loserville asking you to become an online farmer or an architect. (REALLY?!) Click Click Click. Post Post Post. Like Like Like. Meaningless clutter. Jabber Jabber.

People copy and paste the same links, the same quotes, the same lines they saw on someone else’s profile and think they’re cool. It is all so fake it is depressing. I mean, what happened to the real world guys? Why do we need to share our every waking thought with the world?

What is personal anymore when Facebook gives you the option of writing ‘What’s on your mind’ to hundreds of people all at the same time? Your entire life, your image, your social circle is practically exposed on an online profile which you can demolish at one click? I sometimes long for simpler times. What happened to sitting by the fireplace, all alone, reading a hardback book? I remember I used to read MUCH more before I got lured into this world of 'social networking'. Ugh. 

I know it is highly hypocritical of me to say this because I spend a lot of time on Facebook, probably for different purposes. (I think) See, I like Facebook for a number of reasons, (hell, I love Facebook for a MAJOR reason) but I do not want to become, what is said to be known as a 'A Facebook addict'. No way, Jose. And now it has begun to irritate me. One day, I might just deactivate my account on a whim. Who knows? Let's just hope I don't have to reach to that stage.

A Saucerful of Secrets

Sleep continues to elude me. Another night. Sigh. I don’t know why I’m always trying to determine whether I’m happy or sad. If only I stop doing that, I will save so much of time to do the things I want to do. And take care of pending tasks. I can feel myself retreating again. I’m withdrawing into my shell once more. Disconnected. Lost. Unenthusiastic. Indifferent. Dreamy. Listening to music, lying under the sky and gazing at the stars.

I guess these are the repercussions of settling back into my routine life after what could possibly be the two greatest days of my life. Two beautiful, magical, wonderful, fantastical days. Chee does it again. I don’t know how he does it, but he crosses a new milestone every time. It just keeps getting better.

But looking at my college life I feel sad. I’m asking myself questions like: Did I really want to do this? Really? Why am I not enjoying this? I might have taken a faulty step but it’s not like I’m kicking myself and regretting it. I can still correct it. There are a lot of possibilities that lie in front of me. Only this time, I’ll be careful in making the right choice.

I have to take care of my lifestyle or it will be the death of me, I swear to god. I get up late, I skip meals, I forget things ALL the time, I bunk classes, I sleep like a baby pig on drugs during the day and my class performance is seriously degrading. I will start looking like a zombie if I continue like this, not to mention I’ve started behaving like one already.

I’ve always felt like I have a lot of layers to me. Everyday a new shade of me. I change, all the time. Like a river. And I assume people are not going to understand me and so I don’t even bother. Like I like myself most of the times, but sometimes, all of a sudden, out of the blue I loathe and berate myself so much I feel like I can’t stand to be with my own self. You know what I mean? Not sure you do.

I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just a self-loathing narcissist. And I don't know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t know where I’m going.

In Rainbows

Missed classes, skipped assignments,

Messed up dates, forgotten tests.
Medication, notes, phone calls, pending tasks, unfinished meals.

Misunderstanding, misconstruction, misconduct, misfortune.

Loud noises, bumpy roads, painful memories, angry parents.

Game theory, industrial laws, business strategies, research designs.

Everything settles lazily, dismally in the background.

The hazy, crazy, unclear, uncertain, cluttered, spinning background.

The one true thing that stands out,

Is the emotion which you cannot even remotely come close to describing

The rush in your heart, the hurricanes inside your body, the stoppage of time.

The moisture in the eyes, the beating of the heart, the languorous smiles.

The feeling of forgetting everything else in the entire world in the bliss of that one moment.

The breath, the smell, the heavy sighs, the soft touch, the surge, the hidden tears, the lazy, contended elation.

The gush; more powerful than anything you could ever experience in a lifetime.

The feeling of losing yourself,

The feeling of finding yourself.

Of sinking,

Of floating,

Of drowning,

Of flying,

Of dying,

Of living,
Of reaching the peak of a mountain,

Of falling inside an infinite abyss,

The feeling of the absence of every other emotion other than what you are experiencing.

The feeling of being safe.

Feeling at home, at ease, at rest, at your best.
When it's your own world.
Your own unreal, surreal, dreamy, magical stupor.

The void when you’re not together, 

The gnawing pain inside your chest, the severe feeling of being deficient.

Of fear, of longing, of separation, of desperation.

The feeling of knowing that while you have this, you may never ever have to worry about the background.

The hazy, crazy, unclear, uncertain, cluttered, spinning background.

Time

Time.
Please fly.
Tonight, just for tonight.

A mistake.
Words that were not meant to be spoken
Flew away amidst the careless jokes
Carried away on the wispy winds of a winter night
Suddenly fell upon me like a glacier
The words that left me
Sleepless, shocked, in a state of disbelief.

Is it true?
I cannot help but shiver
At the enormity of the gesture
I cannot help but get lumps in my throat
At the thought, the effort, the love.

How am I supposed to sleep?
How am I supposed to react?
How am I supposed to survive the entire night?
I cannot feel my legs.
I cannot feel myself breathing.
The salty tears are the only silent spectators
The soft music the only company.

Time.
For once, please fly.
Just for tonight.
I cannot wait for the moon to go away,
For the sun rays to shine upon me.
I cannot wait
For the morning to come.
I cannot wait for the moment.

Time.
For once, would you please listen?

Good times

“Good times for a change.
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time.
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time”

This is a song by The Smiths and I cannot get enough of it. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. It’s beautiful. I want to check out all their songs now.

Well, I’m 21! Yup, yup I said it. Myself. Man, I can’t believe I’m at such a good stage in my life and I’m stuck in this place. I need to get out there! I will! Fingers crossed.

I received lots of phone calls as soon as it was 12 on November 9. One of them involved two silly girls singing a silly made-up birthday song (I love you guys!) and one included a friend singing ‘Happy Birthday’ on his guitar. Out of the world. Then it got better. I got a chocolate cake and multi-coloured roses at 12 AM in the night. Yep, it was Chee. It had to be Chee. Of course, I shrieked till my already sore throat became almost fully clogged up. I cut the cake and mom dad hugged me and became all teary eyed for no reason. (So that’s where I get my weepiness from!!)

The first part of the next day was a disaster. My friend and I had an Industrial Law presentation and we had to go through 16 pages of excruciatingly painful information about the changes that took place in the workplace. I don’t understand why these books have to use such a convoluted language. You cannot understand the meaning at one go. I would read each mammoth paragraph-long sentence aloud and then both of us would at each other with an expression of horror and utter bewilderment trying to make sense of what we’d just read. It took forever to make the slides and we had to bunk the first two classes. Although we kicked ass during the presentation. We share a good presentation chemistry. (Hypo hi5 girl!)

Well, when I finally got free I realized everyone had gone home. Meansies!! I went out with girl to CCD and well we talked about the philosophy of life, standing up for our rights, and why parents never understand their kids and how we will always understand ours. We seemed to have gone high on caffeine. It was good. We were like two chirpy teenagers. But after that, NOTHING happened :(

A lot of my friends forgot to wish me and I was just sitting in my room; grumpy and alone. And then I changed from “I hate my friends” to “I love my friends” in a matter of seconds :P

Three of my friends, Chuski, Godfather and Fairguy (Yes, they’re not real names :P ) appeared on my doorstep, with huge, WIDE grins intact, holding a chocolate cake! And it was unbelievable. It was a chocolate vanilla cake with walnuts, cashewnuts, chocolate chunks with chocolate icing and gems on it! It was amazing! The rest is easy to guess. I don’t even have to write it down. I hopped, I hugged, I cried out “I have friends who do stuff for me! Lalalala!” and we sat around and talked. It was so nice!

The next morning I received the most amazing and the most endearing mail I’ve ever received. Sigh :) 

And so, another year has whizzed by. And it seemed like yesterday when I was cribbing about turning twenty! 

In the end it just comes down to this: it’s only about the people who matter. And the people who matter, will always be there for you to cheer you up.

Happy birthday to me! :D

P.S. Today’s date: 11.11.11. :)

The Gift

I'm spurting. Big time. A few days back I got a courier. From Flipkart. A book! Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson.

From?

Chee of course! Of all the Apple fans I know, he is one person who genuinely and honestly idolizes Steve Jobs. I've never seen anyone whose a bigger fan of anything or anyone. I really respect that.

Anyway, so there I was, having a perfectly normal day, ptch-ing around because there wasn't anything much to do, when BAM! There it was. Out of the blue. A blue package, with the nicest message written on a piece of paper. (Oh and the book was covered in very pop-able bubble wrap!) I would tell you what my reaction was but I don't know if I will be able to explain. It was a cross between crying, squealing, laughing and shaking.

That's my Chee. He does the nicest of things. And the best part is, he never needs a reason to do anything.
It's just him.

Omg I'm spurting all over again now. Chee, thank you for existing!


"Because Steve is, and forever will be, etched in our hearts."